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Only took 50 years to deal with my abuse.

Then I realized I have no proof, other than my diagnosis and tons of therapy... It's not like there would be medical records from back then.... Even if there were, I don't think I ended up in the hospital... So there's nothing...
Now that you seem to be feeling better — I just wanted to say that you would be surprised.

For example, police were willing to do a report for my abuser without any proof at all. The proof to them was that I had PTSD — they didn’t really mind that it came from multiple abuses/situations. They didn’t do an exam on me.

In fact, our of fear, I didn’t say where I had been violated most, so the gynecologist was confused but still believed me. It would be hard to fake being scarred for life. And I imagine no one would want to fake something so horrible. (I can’t see a benefit, anyway.)

That said, I’m still too afraid (of being told that I lied) to fix up the chance to take the pedophile to court. So I completely understand.

Hope you’re having a nice, sunny week :D
 
Now that you seem to be feeling better — I just wanted to say that you would be surprised.

For example, police were willing to do a report for my abuser without any proof at all. The proof to them was that I had PTSD — they didn’t really mind that it came from multiple abuses/situations. They didn’t do an exam on me.

In fact, our of fear, I didn’t say where I had been violated most, so the gynecologist was confused but still believed me. It would be hard to fake being scarred for life. And I imagine no one would want to fake something so horrible. (I can’t see a benefit, anyway.)

That said, I’m still too afraid (of being told that I lied) to fix up the chance to take the pedophile to court. So I completely understand.

Hope you’re having a nice, sunny week :D

Wow, not sure where to start... I've been literally carrying the forms for the criminal injury commission in my car for a week - upside down on the passenger seat.. Where I glance at them when I get into the car.

My big concern with reporting the abuse is that my abusers are dead. My father died in 2001, and my mother died in 2014 or 15... Reporting it would feel like a victory, but in my case, a dead end. I can't imagine them wanting to take a report on something that happened in the 60's when I was a kid.. I guess I can check with the police when I visit hell my home town this summer, since it's thousands of miles away.

It is amazing how 50 years later, and with both of them dead, I'm still afraid of being accused of lying. They're not going to do it, obviously - but it still worries me... I can just imagine how tough it'd be to go to court and talk about your abuse if your abuser was still alive, @littleoc

But if anyone wants proof of PTSD, unfortunately I have lots of proof of that... At this point, my therapists and psychiatrist can probably hand them hundreds of pages of notes on my abuse. Then again, who needs that? My name alone should prove it - I mean, it isn't "CuteLittleBunnyGuy". What more proof do they need? ?
 
Damn, it's been almost a week since I wrote on here... I hate the way things start seeming like they might be improving, then my brain decides, "Oh, you're feeling better, time to remember more crap"...

I was so overwhelmed with everything that I didn't even do EMDR at EMDR... I spent most of the time spaced out. Got told by the T that the week before I had said some profound things about my childhood... I don't even know what I said...

I've been having at least one flashback per day, sometimes two... One of my therapists tells me I should stop them ASAP because I could be retraumatizing myself, and the other one says that because I'm remembering more each time, that it's OK to have them. I guess I'll decide on a flashback by flashback basis...

All I know is that what I'm remembering now totally freaks me out... I've spent my life avoiding it - my brain has decided otherwise... and yet, it explains some things I've always remembered but ran from...

As if I wasn't overwhelmed enough, I started reading books on dissociation... I've been fighting the whole idea of roles/parts/etc forever... But suddenly realized that I definitely have an angry part inside that comes out and takes over, and I feel like it's not me... And when he takes over, it's instant.

So now I have to wrap my head around the idea of the whole thing.... I spent all of my regular therapy this week complaining how the idea freaks me out... and yet it makes sense. There's "Little PTSDGuy", and now "The Angry Guy"... I'm terrified that there might be other parts that I don't realize in there...

Thank God for medical marijuana...
 
I'm not sure why I even try to have conversations outside of my diary on here. Both my therapists brought up the idea of parts, and since there was a discussion about structural dissociation on the board, I thought I'd post. I'm really confused by the whole idea, and have been trying to figure it all out.

Instead of figuring things out, I just felt talked down to, and put in my place. It only took around 400 posts to realize that I don't fit in on here. My choices seem to be write about the same whining in my diary every day, or just shut up. I'm going through enough shit right now... I don't need more...
 
It's been a really hard week. This whole parts thing is killing me...

At EMDR, my T asked if I wanted to work on the flashbacks of my mother, but a couple of the questions he asked, and the look I saw on his face made me think he thinks I'm a liar... He asked if I really thought my mother had sex with me, or if maybe the flashbacks represent her lack of support, etc., and if I believed it happened.

The rest of the session, even while we were doing EMDR, part of me was attacking myself for being a liar the whole time. And of course, instead of saying anything to the T about it, I said nothing.

I've been on a downward spiral since.

I'm having a hard time accepting the idea of roles or parts or whatever... and thought it would be useful to discuss it on the main part of the board. I always think people are going to be supportive, and I always end up getting f*cked. Nothing ever changes. (See, I'm f*cking whining again...)

I'll check that site out, @somerandomguy. You always have great info. I went to the link you put for a paper about intimacy, sex and abuse. I'll read it eventually. If I ever feel halfway sane again.
 
Hey, don't worry about posts from others too much. It happens occasionally that people either misunderstand or have a sensitive issue messed with -- if someone isn't helping you, you can just ignore it. :) They don't know you! And you don't know them. So it's okay. :hug:

Do you still have two therapists? It might be worth it to talk about this with the other therapist. I think that was inappropriate of the therapist to question you like that, but if he's a good therapist, then he won't be doubting you about your own trauma. If he is? He's not right for you.

People have a hard time understanding trauma sometimes. It's not your fault. I believe you.

Hope you're having a calming break away from the forums!

P.S. I have no idea if this will help you, but I personally don't find parts to be helpful. I actually find it to be triggering. I don't look down on anyone who does find it helpful, though, but only wanted to say this so you don't feel forced to wrap your head around something if it won't work for you. (But if you find that it does work, then that's fantastic, too!)
 
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