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[Deleted member 12723]

(((Mandy))) I am happy that you are journaling and crying. It is so good for you to get that kind of release. I have never cried, I do not cry. It took me many years to recover. Probably because I did not have good support for what happened to me. I could have used the forum. It would have helped me so much.

I am happy you belong here now. Thank you for the kind and gracious words. My heart just goes out to you. This has caused me so much pain, and wasted years. For along time I did not know what had happened to me. I blamed myself. I was hard on myself. I have quit doing that. It was not my fault, like it is not your fault. You are innocent. You were targeted because you were so good at what you did. You are bright and very talented. Bullies hate that and have a compulsion to destroy a person for being so good. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

There is nothing wrong with you. I will keep on saying the truth about what happened to you. It is a bullying environment there and they have done it before and will keep on doing it until someone is able to bust them and hold them accountable. If ever. It is a very bad way to treat people. It is bad buisiness. They need the light of exposure and getting caught. It will have to take a person who has alot of support and money.

The people at work probably distanced themselves from you. They all complain, but cover themselves so they do not get targeted. It has its own dynamics. People are like sheep and just go along so they do not get targeted. They cover their own asses. Some may even join up with the bullies. It is all about maintaining the status quo.

They are probably working on their next target now. Gossip is rampant. You surely must feel so raw and overexposed. It is stigma you are dealing with as well, and that is a very hard thing to manage without good support. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You will heal from all that has happened to you.

What you experience now is similar to an identity crises, is an identity crises. You will move through all of the stages of grief and come out on the other side. It will not happen to you again, because you will recognize the red flags and remove yourself to safety. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Gizmo, I think I was lucky, I faced bullying for 3 years, the last year being the worst. Going to work was horrible especially when HR too did not help instead knew but did nothing because they wanted to look good in the eyes of the managers who were the bullies and the head office. I was promised to be helped and looked after when I took the matter higher up but 3 weeks later I was made redundant in a company restructure. Managers told me to go and see a lawyer because the team I worked with still had their jobs. They put another person to do my role but gave it another designation and got away. Big corporates know how to manipulate the system and cover themselves.
I dont know how to get over the loss of a new job due to the flashbacks, it pains me every moment of the day. Now I have got another job (due to start mid Oct) and I am very very scared. I dont want to have any more flashbacks but I dont know when it comes and what will happen then.
I am sharing the letter I had written but not yet sent to the company with you -

Dear Simone,

This is probably one of the most difficult letters I have ever had to write.

I would like to explain the reason why I had to walk away from a job, a position that I was so happy and proud of achieving. When I was interviewed by you and Nilesh I was so happy that you had seen potential in me and valued my experience and gave me the wonderful opportunity to be a part of the AB team even for a short time.

There was a reason why I did not return to AB the next day. On the first day I, sorry thought this would easy to write after so many months. Okay this is it.. I had strong flashbacks and was seeing people who bullied me from my old workplace. I tried my best to push the images visions away but the more I sat in the meeting room, the worse it got.

The next day, I just could not get myself to even sit in the car, I kept saying Mandy this is not your old workplace, this is AB, the people there are very nice, I had seen it, but I was just too scared and frightened. My mind and body just did not move and I collapsed at home and was rushed to the doctors to later find out that I had PTSD which was caused due to the constant bullying.
I was told to walk away from the job, as I needed time to heal. I was scared and frightened .One of the hardest things for me to accept or agree, that I as a person who always was strong, worked through everything and would not let these issues bother me at work,had a strong support from all my managers and colleagues, I did not even think or imagine that I would be affected this way.

The past few months has been a struggle, denial, withdrawal, hatred towards myself for not being able to get back to AB and work, it has been a struggle, but with the help of professionals I am beginning to make sense and accept that you cannot control your mind and body in a situation where you have emotionally abused however strong you may be.

I could not speak about this earlier but now I am accepting it and know this is something that can happen and sometimes you cannot control what will happen. I hope you and Nilesh will understand and I sincerely apologize if I had left you in a mess. This was never my intention, I just did not know what was happening to me to even explain it to anyone. I was throwing away a career change, my hard work but I just could not be strong, the trauma was too strong.

To write this letter has been very difficult, not sure how this would be taken in the corporate world, people have told me not to do it, it is not wise, but I know I have to. This is important for me to do.

I do hope you keep this letter as confidential and do not discuss it with others. I wish you all the very best for the future and good luck with your jobs and careers.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mandy that was a excellent letter. I guess go with your gut, if it is something you need to do, go with it. I wish you well, and I hope you feel better for sending the letter. You seem to be very conscientious. Probably another reason you were bullied. I am rooting for you. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Yes that is right, maybe part of the way I was brought up, be honest and do it with integrity.

I dont know about what I feel anymore. I want to forget my past that is all. But been told I have to work through it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Bullies hate honesty and integrity. You were targeted because you shine bright. I hope for the day when you begin to see this and to believe it.

You have to go through the different stages of grief. Reading up on this will help you to understand where you are at in the different stages.

Think of a spiral cone. You start at the bottom and work your way up. There is a light side and a dark side. You will see this is a developmental issue as you will touch both sides as you journey through your process. You will deal with this in different ways as you live your life.

You will come out of this ok. You will be ok and you will build yourself a new life. Wait and see. You are at the beginning stages of dealing with the great aftermath of this personal disaster. It will take time to clear out all of the rubble and garbage to see clearly. There is healing and there is hope. Hang on and do not give up. You will come out of this ok. Just wait and see. You will not feel this way forever even thorugh it feels like that right now. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

I dont know Gizmo, I know I will never be the same again. I have been at home since the past year, I am afraid I will go back to being honest and pretend that I will not be affected. Even now I feel that I lie to the doctors how I really feel. I am still trying to show them that I am brave and all this is not affecting me. Yesterday when I met my doctor he said Oh you look so much better, you are smiling. I know inside I was crying, still hurt but I cannot show people how I really feel.

I dont know Gizmo, I feel I am setting myself up for failure again. Every time something good happens for me, it turns around it was all bad. Just when I feel I am getting better I have to deal with the physio who behaves strange to me and is often rude to me. I just dont say anything. If I do I know I cannot stand up and fight it too long. So I prefer to keep quiet and not say much.

What those people said about me and how they made me feel has changed me forever. What happened at the new job was so wrong. I just dont know how to accept that.

Big hugs back to you, you are an amazing and beautiful person.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mandy, you are changed forever by this experience. My experience changed me forever. It made me become more cautious about what I say and to whom I say it. I was naive. I was gullible. I was vulnerable. I have integrity and am very honest.

But I have learned from my most painful experience with the people who bullied me. I am not the same. I am not so desperately needy anymore. I have learned about people being toxic and unsafe. I can recognize a gossip now. I could not do that before.

I can say no and take care of myself now. i have boundries now. So much good health for me since I crashed and burned. It took me many, many years to recover. I had so much to learn. But learn I did. Because I never ever want that to happen to me again. I have learned how to keep my distance from bullies. I know there are steps I can take to protect myself.

I remember how devastated and destroyed and ashamed I felt when that happened to me. I ran away from those people. I even became an alcoholic and i have quit drinking and smoking. Now my only vice is food and I am gaining weight and need to lose weight.

I am in the process of rebuilding my life. I am doing emdr and did some memories of the bully experience and am no longer haunted by the memories. If someone had told me I would be like this I would not have believed it.

The one thing I deeply regret is not having any good support in the aftermath phase. My heart goes out to you because I understand how you feel because it happened to me. I was the victim of so much slander and gossip. There is no way to defend against gossip.

I even took an anger management class and learned that gossip is a passive aggressive way to get anger at at person out of one without having to be responsible for it. I refuse to have anything to do with gossips. They are so toxic and poisionous to me. I see them as lethal.

I lived in a small town where everyone knows or has heard of people there. I along with my family was destroyed and these bullies live on to destry other lives. It was killing me to see them get away with it. I moved away finally and live in a new town where I do not know anyone. For a year and one half I have stayed in my home all isolating. I am finally feeling good enough to get out of the house and do a few things.

I do not have any friends yet. I have a place I can try to go and meet people. I am afraid to go ad try it, but I am trying to get up my courage to go. I am getting ready to try another community. I have been so badly burned. But I am healing.

You have been broken by this experience. I have been broken by mine. But I am alot healthier than I was.

It just takes time to heal. I call it a branding experience. I was a victim of bullies and gossips. But I am not anymore. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Gizmo, you are beautiful, I too have gained weight. I have a great diet that can knock off 3kgs in 3 weeks and plan to do it. If you want to join we could do it together and share in our joys.
I too dont have any friends. The friends I had at the old workplace dont even speak with me anymore. There was this one girl who was so close to me, her kids would spend holidays with me. She would seek my help all the time, when she had a bad time at work I stood by her and helped her. Now she does not even return my calls but posts messages on FB saying how we have to meet again. It is so fake. That's what I felt the bullies used to do. They would be sugar sweet in front of other managers and would stab me once they were with me alone. My manager helped me so much but now I began to hate her as she did not help actually she was just saving herself. My 2 very close colleagues kept telling me that the manager is only looking out for herself not us but I believed my manager. I know she tried and even wrote reports to clear my name. She too was frustrated and kept telling me not to give up. Do not give up do not give up.
I want to see a specialist in trauma management but I dont know where to start.
Gizmo, I am frightened that I will end up doing the same thing again being ME. There have been times when the bullies had been sweet with me (pretended ) and I go all out to help them telling myself everyone makes mistakes. I am such a mistake

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mandy you are not a mistake. You were their victim and target. You are a beautiful human being who was victimized by rotten people who make it a practice to target and victimize people. I am sorry it was all fake. That is how it was for me and I just realized that. It was all fake. i was naive and too trusting. I was so needy. I was so vulnerable and did not yet realize that people could be so evil in what they do and say.

I guess you start with a therapist You consider a good match with you. Someone you feel comfortable with talking to. It will be hard to talk about it. So our conversations are good pracitce for you.

Yes I would like to know more about the diet. I need to do something. I am getting so big. I have to go out and buy new levis for winter time, because mine will not fit me anymore. I would love to share joy. That would be awesome.

I too know how it feels to be shunned and rejected. People are sheep and brown nosers. They protect themselves and distance themselves from the target and hope their turn will never come.

But their turn will come. It is so tragic. This happens to one person at a time and the victims never get to talk to the other victims which would help out so much. That is how it works. I wished I could talk to the other victims. I too was warned and believed the bullies. They are so charming and covincing. I was a sucker.

I am so glad to have met you and be able to have the honor of supporting you. Today was not a great day for me. I am waiting for my anxiety meds to come in the mail and they have not come yet. I am hoping it will not prove to be a hassle. They said we would save money on the prescriptions if we did it by the mail. i thought I would save on gas too. I developed a driving phobia and have recently overcome it.

I think mabe some meds would help you to stabalize if you believe in medication that is. I do not remember if you were on medications or not. I apologize if you told me about that already. My memory is not the greatest. Oh I have changed so much because of the bullying. I am so grateful to be able to talk to you about it. You understand because it happened to you. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Hi Gizmo, you are so like me :) big hugs to you. I have a driving phobia but that is because my husband would always correct me when driving so it got me all worked up and I ended up giving driving. Since the past year being at home, I have had to go to doctors, psychologist on my own so gained confidence. I only drive with him if he promises not to open his eyes :) I hope you got your meds.

I was put on several meds since the past year, from cymbalta to endep to Valium. The worst happened when I tried to get off Valium, caused a horrible breakdown but I was told to stop taking it as it was clouding my judgement. I found it actually the most effective, it was keeping me from doing stupid things to myself. Now the doctors have given me Zoloft and I hate it. It makes me feel so light headed. I have thoughts and visions but no emotions. I want to scream at times but I am clueless and lost. I do not want to take any meds, I want to fight this without any meds. My memory too is not the greatest, and it is very embarrassing. I have gone to buy chicken in a meat shop and walked around in circles wondering why they stopped selling chickens. Came home all confused and my husband said I went to the wrong shop. Dates, appointments all have to be written down now so that I can remember.

Its not an easy diet but the results were good. It takes a lot to do this one, the first few days were horrible as you feel hungry but by the 4th day you do not crave for all the other food. By the end of the diet I was happy to continue but then came the holidays and I ate. Also if you are on meds you need to eat well so maybe it is not a good idea for now.

I have felt so much better since speaking with you. Every time I feel the thoughts coming in I read your messages.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Hi Gizmo, do you work? How do you cope with working and PTSD?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mandy, you are a beautiful human being. I did not get my meds today. So I am hanging on the best I can. I feel weird today. I am not having a good day. I hate having ptsd. You would think I would be used to it.

I suffered and endured terrible abuse growing up. I have been lost for so many years. But this year things are turning around for me. Things have gotten alot better.

The emdr has really helped me so much. I was so afraid to try it and I have had such good results from it.

I am glad you are feeling better. I am glad my experience has been helping you. It was not a waste if it helps people. I have researched alot on this topic. I needed support so bad, but the written word had been my resource. Big hugs.