Opinions Required

[Mandy Tad]

Whirlwind, After I was made redundant I put myself out there to go past what happened. I was doing volunteer work, helping people, I was struggling trying to put everything behind me, friends said I need to leave the past behind, but the past was only haunting me. I then got this great job, was excited went shopping for new clothes. The people there were so friendly, the company had many resumes but only interviewed me. I was happy and then on the first day at work, I had the most horrifying experience I sat in their meeting room and could see all the bullies from my old workplace. The door opened and my GM walked in. I was shaking and trembling. Then at lunch I was asked about my overseas trips and again it started. I was going crazy. I ran out and sat in my car screaming. This does not happen to someone who loved what she did. Please do not say I was not ready. I was ready.

I finally went for therapy gave myself time to heal and then a few weeks back on my way by train it happened again. I almost threw myself in front of the train just wanted to end it. I do not want to live like this anymore.

I dont know if I am right or wrong anymore, I dont like speaking with people as they may say something that will hurt me and then I cry. I dont want to cry anymore. I keep trying to be positive but then it happens again and again. There are good people out there but in today's world there are more bad people. I dont want to be always wondering who is stabbing me. I feel I am better off if I just keep quiet and not say anything to anyone, just do what is asked even if it is wrong and that way I will not be harassed. I hate myself and I know I cannot change this anymore. The more I try, things go against me and I have no control over my emotions

 

[NarcSis]

Again, I can totally sympathize and I know what you're dealing with. I don't trust my own decisions, I'm getting contrary advice and can't decide which path to follow. I feel like I'm being uncooperative and obstinate by "disobeying" rules in order to protect myself.

I'm tired of fighting but not sure if I should be making "hasty" decisions in this state of mind.

Rest assured, there is nothing wrong with you, you are reacting as anyone would in your situation; the only advice I can give is that you work to catch your thinking errors and actively combat the anxiety by doing relaxation etc.

You are in a heightened state of anxiety, that is all, rough yes, but you have to ride it out while taking care of you.

I wish there was a magic wand too. Hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Whirlwind, I do not want to sound that I am upset with you but what you wrote brought back some painful thoughts of my old workplace.

"Once it is "out there" you cannot take it back."

Every time I would receive an intimidating email from this senior manager, my manager would stop me from replying and would say to me, once you send a reply you cannot take it back and then I cannot help you. You will be on your own. I think she was playing the political game. Towards the end I started to reply, not harsh words or anything, just plain facts which ended up working in my favor. But by then it was too late. I have become so scared now to open emails, I used to be like this at work. If I would receive an email I had anxiety attacks as the content was harsh and untrue. But then the entire world would be CC and 1st impression is normally the last one.

Sorry but it just brought back all those horrible memories. It is like I want to tell the story, the real truth and I cannot even do it. sorry Whirlwind I know what you have written is in good faith. Hugs back to you

 

[Whirlwind]

Mandy,

You are just fine with me, this online stuff is hard sometimes on both sides, giving and receiving advice, not knowing the person or all the dynamics. I am so glad you know I didn't mean to upset you. Geez, I probably sound "like them" trying to relay caution..along the same lines! My apologies.

Oh my, I understand your feeling about the emails, its a tactic to intimidate the employee so they won't put things in writing to avoid legal culpability for the employer. It makes me really sad that this even occurs, its destructive on so many levels.

Again, I am so sorry, your experience gets under my skin too, its just terrible.

((Mandy))

 

[Mandy Tad]

I just got a new job again!, working with asylum seekers. My psychologist thinks this will help me heal, and I think so too but I am scared to even think of what could happen. After the last job I am terrified. Now a new twist, before I start work I have to undergo a medical test. My employment is based on passing the medicals.. great now just when I feel better bang! it hits me. With the hand problem and PTSD I will not pass the test for sure! So much for the light at the end of the tunnel!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Mandy, how are you holding up today? I was thinking of you. I am not feeling good, so I am not online very much. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

Not all too good Gizmo. I dont know why I even try anymore as the grey walls fall in front of me faster than I can blink. It hurts so much, I want to work.

How have you been? Did you get your meds? Dont worry even if you are not online I still think of you. Hugs

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Mandy, yes I got my meds and am calm and relaxed. I am very grateful for help like that. I am sorry you are not feeling good today. It takes time to recover from soul murder, which I believe is the effect of bullying. I am hoping you will be able to do this new job. It would be so good for you to be able to do that, but only if you are ready.

I am sad you have problems with yout hands, I really hope you get the physical therapist to hear and see what problems you are having. My husband has degenerative disc disease and tried pt and it made his pain worst so he had to quit. Now he is on celexa for the neck pain and it seems to be helping him.

Can you get a second opinion from another pt? I sure hope so. All you need is one person who can see and hear you and they will be the one to help you. Not everyone is go by the book. I wish you a good night. Big hugs.

 

[Mandy Tad]

I am going to see a Chinese naturopathy and acupuncture doctor today. I am tired of seeing doctors who have no clue and just give strong medications. With the Antidepressants and the pain meds my body is not agreeing. I prefer trying natural meds for the pain.

I hate that physio, she was so rude to me.

And I have to try this job, I need to try but I am very frightened, I dont like anyone speaking loudly or rudely to me anymore.

BTW it is is morning here in Sydney :)