General Other Supporters, How Do You Handle The Concerns Of Loved Ones?

[LadyAnne92]

So...

I have already posted a good bit about my relationship with my boyfriend. Combat Vet, TBI and PTSD, been a civilian for about 5 years now, and has anger issues. I love him very much, and he loves me, but right now he is really really struggling. I don't know if we will ever have a "normal" relationship, but if we ever will, it is a long way off. Things are hard right now, and I'm doing a lot of giving and he's not doing any giving back. I'm ok with it because I know he needs me and I want to walk by his side as he journeys to recovery. However, there are times when I am down, and emotionally drained. Our relationship is so far from what I had envisioned it being at the beginning...it's not even funny. Though I know he is giving me all he can give right now, our relationship is lacking many things...in a lot of ways it feels one sided. We don't have much in the way of romance, as he is often "zoned-out", so to speak. He tends to keep to himself. He literally cannot meet my needs at this point in time. He also has had several episodes with explosive rage, where he yells, curses, and screams at me with very little provocation. I am close to my parents, and they would know that something was up if I just told them nothing about the relationship, and I'm certainly not going to lie to make it look better than it is, but I am having a hard time with being repeatedly advised to leave my sweetheart.

Have any of you found a diplomatic way to explain your reasons for staying in a less than ideal relationship? I know I don't owe them an explanation, but I would like to at least attempt to convey my stance to them.

 

[Laura 2]

You really want this relationship to work, don't you?

Most relationships are less than ideal. But from my experience as a parent, there is no assurance I could accept from my children if they were in the sort of less than ideal relationship with all the abuse you've described here and on other posts. I want the best possible for my children, most parents do.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm not sure I have advise, parents are often very protective of their kids, which as it should be. And especially protecive of girls. I guess I would tell them that, for now, you want this relationship. Do they know he has PTSD? If they do, then explain how you feel about sticking it out. If they don't, tell them it's not perfect, but for now it's choice. I personally would tell them to just support you and your decisions. Tell them you don't want negative feedback, but want to keep them in the loop. Tell them if they can't do that then you won't speak about him to them, but you prefer keeping communication open. I'm not sure if it will work or help, but that's my two cents.

And if the anger issues escalate, remember you come first. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Good luck!

 

[blackswan]

Being told to leave is horrible :(

I've found explaining my boundaries to concerned friends/family helpful - "I know things are difficult right now, but I also know I love him and don't want to leave him. I will look after myself first though and if things escalate to ### point or positive change isn't occurring by ### time then I'll need to actively review whether I can stay" kinda thing.

Bearing the brunt of explosive rage is also horrible :( we have a pretty effective time out strategy now so (as long as I don't get angry and forget) I can leave the room until emotions have settled. Took quite a few goes to get it working smoothly but it's made a big difference.

Good luck :)