Other Ways Of Saying 'f*ck Off'!

[Deleted member 1860]

I wish you the best!

Setting boundaries with family is hard. I'm in the midst of doing so right now with my overly intrusive, overbearing, controlling mother. She still has no idea what she's done wrong even tho my dad has told her 5+ times. I dread Mother's Day next month. I'm sure it's only a matter of time until I get the "why are you doing this TO me?!?" sort of whine.

Protect your child. It's not worth having another generation affected.

 

[Mayday]

I feel your pain

An aunt once offered me a weight loss cookbook because she'd *accidentally* bought the same one twice. I politely declined.

My mother then took it upon herself to hide the weight loss cookbook (that I'd said I didn't want) in one of my bags so that I'd find it once I got home.

A few weeks later, a different aunt came up to me at a family function and said "Don't worry about the rest of it" (said while making a vague, sweeping gesture to indicate my entire body) "...at least you have a pretty smile"

Sigh. Families...who'd have 'em?

Loved the video clip :D

 

[HëllaBubz]

Families...who'd have 'em?

I REALLY hope that was a rhetorical question! :p

 

[p-no]

and I really, really need to sit down with Gran and give her a clear idea of what I find acceptable, and what I don't.

Bubzilla, this makes me feel that you might think that you put up boundaries once and the others have to adhere to them "forever" by their own doing. If so, that's not the case. The whole thing can start like this but at the end of the day, we have to reinforce our own boundaries again and again and again. If, on the other side of the fence, those (reinforced) boundaries are not accepted again and again and again, then I think it's time to face that people don't respect them period. Meaning: continue having them in your life and therewith continue your own boundaries getting crossed and having to deal with all the effects that has on you again and again and again. Yes, people can change, but if they don't they don't! It is then time to see that, acknowledge it and make yourself very aware what your choices are and that staying saying "but they don't change" is a choice, too.

I find it tons of times on the forum that people seem to honestly believe that they are setting up boundaries by stating them period. Then, when they write posts and the story develops, they get their boundaries crossed again and again and partly massively so, and yet they stay and find excuses, really waiting for the other(s) to change not wanting to accept that they haven't in the last 20 years, chances are, they won't in future.

Fact is, if you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out. Plus all it does to you inside and out.

 

[p-no]

And I would like to add that I do not think that you should look at the intention of people. You should take those into consideration, that I'd agree to, but if they have all this other stuff going on as you have said in your posts, then their intentions are clear and those are not respecting your boundaries.

Sometimes I think many of us long-term abuse sufferers we try and try and try and compromise and try something else and try again and compromise more and think a little more and will be patient just one wee bit longer and all that happens is we prolong our own pain.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I find it tons of times on the forum that people seem to honestly believe that they are setting up boundaries by stating them period.

Bubs, PN is correct. Telling your grandmother, or anyone else, what you will and won't accept is just a small "courtesy" you're paying them in the interest of fairness in your own mind. What they are most likely to hear is, "Blah, blah, blah." That is not to say that you shouldn't do it, but don't expect that it will change their behavior. The only changes will come from you to the degree you follow up on protecting your boundaries.

With some sick individuals, it only causes them to push harder, so brace yourself for that as well.

Vanilla custard slice on the way.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I was going to quote part of the above post, until I realized that I should just 'like' the whole damn thing!

However,

their intentions are clear and those are not respecting your boundaries.

I love this, and I totally agree, NO reason is good enough to be sneaky, pushy, or crossing boundaries that are clearly laid out.

Fact is, if you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out. Plus all it does to you inside and out.

I don't, I won't, and this isn't good enough.
The only thing that is going to be consistent from now on is my responses.

But I will give them this fair warning, just this once, so they can't say I didn't tell them, and keep changing my mind.
I have a child on the way, this is a life changing point and it is the pure catalyst for my finally realizing that I really need to start enforcing my boundaries consistently.

The topics will be given to them, what is acceptable, and what isn't, and responses they can expect if those boundaries are crossed.

I guess that laying this out is to satisfy me as well, at least I know that I have done my part, and have every excuse to crack down.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Vanilla custard slice on the way.

You have my undying love for ever and ever amen. :notworthy::inlove:

What they are most likely to hear is, "Blah, blah, blah." That is not to say that you shouldn't do it, but don't expect that it will change their behavior. The only changes will come from you to the degree you follow up on protecting your boundaries.

Yup. I was actually in the process of writing my last post, and when I hit 'post', your's came up.

And let's just say that from now on, I'm hooking up electric fences on my boundaries, and using tasers on any body parts that cross that fence.

 

[Mayday]

Sometimes I think many of us long-term abuse sufferers we try and try and try and compromise and try something else and try again and compromise more and think a little more and will be patient just one wee bit longer and all that happens is we prolong our own pain.

This is so true.

 

[HëllaBubz]

Might I say, WillThereBeCake......get out of my head, you say exactly what I think before I had a chance to say it!

It's kinda nice when someone else says things before you think it!

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm having a similar problem. I have family members constantly intruding in my life trying to "fix" and or "make me better".

I think I saw in a different thread that we're realtively close in age? Early-mid twenties? Forgive me if I'm wrong but I think that has a LOT to do with it. We're trying to get on with life and do what we need to do but they aren't letting go. The old boundaries haven't been severed to make newer and more up to date ones that are aplicacble to our current age. That's THEIR problem. They need to get with the program. Neither you nor I are at fault for that.

I like what NoCake said, that all they hear is "blah blah blah". They may hear your stated boundaries but that won't mean they'll abide by them. Because it's so true. I've repeatedly told family simple things like "No, I don't want that" and yet they'd still do it anyway. And for the longest time I relented because I wanted to avoid conflict. Conflict really upsets me.

But there gets comes a point when that meddling becomes downright infuriating. I'm starting to say NO loudly. I'm refusing their "help" and I'm constantly angry and annoyed with them. And yea, it's been causing a lot of conflct. But you know what? It feels GOOD to put my foot down. Because as much as I hate conflict, so do they.

It's been about 3 months of me really standing up for myself and bluntly stating "no" and it's only NOW sinking into them I think that things aren't the way before.

I'm demanding their respect to my wishes. I shouldn't have to, but unfortunately I must. I'm the kind of person who respects something someone says, having a person not give me the same courtesy baffles me. It still does. But I won't let it slide anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is, there are no easy solutions to this kind of problem. Which reallly SUCKS because it's exhausting. But it's so worth it.

 

[Mayday]

Early-mid twenties? Forgive me if I'm wrong but I think that has a LOT to do with it

I don't think it the age thing affects why they do this, people who are interfering just feel compelled to interfere and will find any reason to do so.

But I do think that age range is when a lot of people start getting really annoyed and frustrated with this and start standing up for themselves. Unfortunately, family dynamics can be hellishly hard to break, and boundaries sometimes need to be constantly enforced. It's unfortunate that we have to be so vigilant against people who are meant to be close to us.