Out Your Abuser

[anthony]

The public/private issue is one thing that I have thought about while here. How many will be afraid to join because much of the board is public?:(

But they will, because their not getting any better on other forums... because if its promoted to keep secrets, then their not getting better. Those who really want to improve their life, to get stuck into the trauma aspects, support and dealing with sexual abuse, will join regardless as they see others getting benefit from it.

People join based on reading what others get out of it.

Its like PTSD Forum... it has become the biggest on the web for PTSD because its never supported the encouraging behaviours that are PTSD, instead it is based on keeping things real, open, honest, helping people past denial and secrecy, etc... it works and works well, because people are sick of talking on forums and getting told what they want to hear vs. what they really need to be told.

 

[anthony]

Protection doesn't solve a thing with any type of trauma... it only enables the problems. This forum is everything for the benefit of sexually abused, and not just being told what they want to hear, and are getting told on other forums.

I have read them... and quite disgusted reading some things I do... where people are encouraged to just hide, to keep things tucked away and secret, its like a form of encouragement that reinforces shame, which is exactly what is already felt in trauma sufferers and hinders recovery... nurturing has a time and place... and some forums live in it too much and have reverted to being safe vs. helpful.

 

[anthony]

Its like many military forums I have read upon, where members speak poorly about their partners... and it becomes encouraged or acceptable behaviour... so it continues. Unhealthy comes to mind and counter productive to being on a support forum in the first place.

I actually blame administrators, because the majority are so worried about popularity, they lose focus of their sites purpose. They allow members to dictate the entire course of the site, instead of having a purpose and helping members achieve that purpose... especially when it comes to something like a support forum. Obviously not applicable to all forum subjects.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Anthony,
I have to agree. I know just thinking about breaking out of my comfort zone(If you can call this comfort!) scares the bleep out of me. Some of the things you have said to me have really increased my anxiety. (You could be a bit more subtle!:p) however though I considered running from the forum, I didn't and feel stronger for it. That's when a few of my light bulbs started lighting up!:rolleyes:

Over the last 4 years I have been increasing on hiding away. I am still elated on sitting on my porch!:D
Even with therapy, I stopped going because of all the anxiety. Like I mentioned earlier they are in the process of getting me hooked up with from my understanding is like tele/video counseling.

So ok, I might have felt bullied by Anthony's non sugar coated advice but though it was a VERY LARGE BITTER pill to swallow once it made its way down. I made the 1st step forward or in this case, the 1st step on my porch!:p in 4 almost 5 years. Before that my only movement was backwards.

So as uncomfortable as it is, and he could be a little kinder and gentler but I think he has a good/effective approach.

Nicolette,
I hope his head fits through the door ways.
Also, shhhh don't tell him, but I know who the brains behind this all is. You & CB!;) Thank You :D

 

[Nicolette]

This proposed forum is only about outing your abuser, not about feelings. Members naming their perpetrators, based on facts, not feelings.

May I ask CB....what do you think holds you back more......Your feelings about what happened or the facts of what happened? I have been to the Police and dealt with facts and while I know that doing so was the right thing I would not have coped if I did not have someone else (therapist) assisting me with the emotional side of it all.

If you take the emotion and feelings out of rape and just dealt with the facts, say like in a court of law, even if the rapist gets convicted, you could still be in the same 'position' as what you are in now depending on the person.

So, I agree with Anthony in that everyone is different and what they need to do is different. I also said that (or meant) that I didn't thinking 'naming someone in an attempt to shame them' was the optimal result; I do agree in actually naming them for the purpose of holding them accountable if that is what the person wants.

 

[cherryblossom]

May I ask CB....what do you think holds you back more......Your feelings about what happened or the facts of what happened?

Both actually. Probably more the feelings, hence why over the years, I have written and rewritten 'my story' several times in an attempt to explore my feelings not just write down the facts of what happened.

When I said it was about fact, not feelings, I meant it in the same way that I described it, when I started this thread. If you are going to name someone it has to be based on fact, not supposition, or feelings.

So you can't say John Smith from the High Street in Manchester, makes me feel uncomfortable, because he looks at me strangely. I'm sure he's a peadophile.

But, if it were a true fact, you could say John Smith from the High Street in manchester is a paedophile. He raped me when I was 10 years old.

Yes, you could then go on to describe how you feel etc, but the 'naming' part has to be based on Fact. Perhaps my phrase 'name and shame' was misused, and perhaps 'out' your abuser isn't the best term either. Maybe 'name' your abuser, would be better?

I agree that everone is different, and deals with things differently, hence why I asked the question, to see if anyone would use such a forum, and whether they would want it public/private etc. I'm not really best placed to answer my own question, because I don't know his name.

 

[Nicolette]

What about a section titled "Tell Us About Your Abuser" or "Who Was Your Abuser(s)?"....just a couple of ideas which come to mind.

I get your point about facts versus supposition, I just can't put my finger on what I'm trying to say. Maybe if my head wasn't stuffed from the flu I could think better.:rolleyes:

 

[Nyx]

You all have a point and you all are right. I think that such a thread should be created for the ones that want and feel that they can name their abuser. Depending on everyone's situation, people can decide to do or not do that.

As I said, I would only get paranoid after, because if my abuser would ever find me it would end up badly. Either he kills me or I kill him. He is a sick man, alcohool has ruined his brain, so I know for a fact that he couldn't be responsible for his actions if he lost his temper. And me, I couldn't either, because for now I am still controled by rage. Rage I have held inside since I was a little kid, rage that is for the moment controling me. Rage that I saved his life that day and I regret that - what tells me I won't act on that regret? Nothing. I have no warranties, so I wouldn/t act on it. At least not now. But who knows how I will feel about it in a year? This is why I think that a forum like that should be created, if only as a tool for those who are not in danger if they expose and feel the need to do it...

 

[WonderingWhy]

Nyx has a point. If we create that it is not like anyone would have to use it.
Those that would like to however would then be able. I see only a benefit to some and harm to none in creating it. If just one person uses it and feels some benefit from it in the path towards healing then it is worth it. IMHO :rolleyes:

 

[sisterinsurvival]

But they will, because their not getting any better on other forums... because if its promoted to keep secrets, then their not getting better. Those who really want to improve their life, to get stuck into the trauma aspects, support and dealing with sexual abuse, will join regardless as they see others getting benefit from it.

People join based on reading what others get out of it.

Its like PTSD Forum... it has become the biggest on the web for PTSD because its never supported the encouraging behaviours that are PTSD, instead it is based on keeping things real, open, honest, helping people past denial and secrecy, etc... it works and works well, because people are sick of talking on forums and getting told what they want to hear vs. what they really need to be told.

Honestly, my counselor wants me off the forums and out of my past. We have identified the key issue being the fear and insecurity that arose out of my CSA. He wants me to focus on ways to cope with what I face in everyday life.

 

[cherryblossom]

Honestly, my counselor wants me off the forums and out of my past. We have identified the key issue being the fear and insecurity that arose out of my CSA. He wants me to focus on ways to cope with what I face in everyday life.

I honestly think that it is crucial to get a healthy balance between support forums and real life. I would actually love to see people come here, get the support that they need, the healing that they need and then leave us, to move on with their lives. That would make me happy :)

 

[anthony]

Forums are a double edged sword, being you can use them for a variety of reasons, though then you have the issues associated with being online too much. When I say too much, if your online from when you wakeup and through till you go to sleep, and only sleep a few hours because you are online until you literally are near falling asleep at the computer, then you have another issue, being an Internet addiction and need to tackle that.

Trauma has a timespan in which you need to heal it... and as I have told people over and over... you really need to jump into it once, go at it with everything you have for a hard 6 - 12 months of your life. Then you get to work slowly on more the exposure aspects to regain your life into society, without having to constantly worry about he past trauma itself. Sure, talking about it is one thing, but talking about it shouldn't then be causing a lot of negative fallout with symptoms for any type of longevity, if at all. Really... once you heal it, you should be able to leave it in the past. If you haven't healed it, then its not going anywhere either... so no amount of ignorance is going to change your current day to day life until you deal with the problems. If there are no problems, then there is no reason to discuss it. But if there are... then it has to be resolved, not just discussed, but resolved.

Some things need time, and no amount of discussion will solve them. Some aspects of PTSD need time.

If you have unplugged from forums and you are still at the same point... then your therapist is an idiot. If you haven't unplugged from forums and the Internet, and actually given yourself a good decent try and getting through problems and reintegrating yourself into life, dealing with aspects yourself... ie. support is great, but you MUST walk the path yourself without all the support at some time to get the benefit.... then if the later, your therapist is absolutely correct.

You must answer the question for yourself...

I will be very blunt about trauma therapy. A good majority who state they do everything they can, that they really push themselves, actually lie about their own effort. I absolutely fooled myself for years... before I really knuckled down and gave it my all, handed my trust over and allowed others to start pointing me in the right directions, then actually doing the work, not just saying I am, or that I was trying, etc. Trying is great, but it doesn't resolve the problem. Doing, redoing, and continually doing until the problem IS resolved... that is giving it 110%. Trying is a nice word in trauma therapy for bludging and giving things a half hearted effort.

The next question for you is... really how do you honestly categorise yourself with your true healing effort at this stage? Have you healed your past trauma? If not, why not? What have you done? What honest effort have you put into exposure therapy? What honest effort have you committed to the emotional aspects of your therapy?

My philosophy has always been that being online longer than you need is destructive to your healing. If you have got everything you can and healed, now need to put all your knowledge into action to finish your healing off, to reinforce to your brain the knowledge and lessons learnt... then yes, online is hindering you.

It doesn't matter how or where you heal... as long as you do it. Its like when people tell me they've been in therapy for 5 years, 10 years, etc... I just laugh. Because it means your absolutely bludging... there is no way any trauma takes that amount of time to heal. Sure... if you go there just to discuss things, not trauma specific... that is different, but anyone who says they have actively been working on their trauma for 5+ years... my response will be the same every time, being: you're kidding yourself that you know what hard work and trauma therapy is, because your bludging and your therapist is an idiot who is taking your money and stringing your along by keeping you ill.