General Outlived Friendships And Moving On

[Everhopeful]

I have been finding that I am isolating myself from my few friends that I do have. I just don't have the energy to go into the inevitable "How are you?", "What have you been up to?", "How is married life?" etc whenever there is contact. And the assumption seems to be that I am having a grand old time, since having married earlier this year.

I think my friendships have outlived themselves now. It makes me sad to think that I have so few true friends.

Since marrying my Sufferer husband (Complex PTSD; Bipolar Mood Disorder and I strongly suspect Borderline Personality Disorder issues), I just cannot relate to the usual semi-superficial talk involved in keeping old friendships alive. I get irritated to the point where I just want to reply "Life is hard, thank you very much. Have you ever been married to someone who was raped by their own mother as a child?".

And we cannot do the "married couples" get-together with my married friends thing either. My husband isolates and has a lot of shame about not working, staying at home all day, being a "house husband". Along with all the rest of his traumatic life baggage. I would hate to subject him to the scrutiny.

I realise now that few people truly go deep - most just skim around the surface and live life blindfolded.

Unfortunately, most of my friendships seemed to have been very one-sided. All about me fussing over others and helping them out when they are in an emotional crisis. For example, I did not hear from one of my married friends for ages, only to receive a message from her a few days ago, out of the blue, that her half-brother had died a week before and she had had a crazy time of it. That made me so angry, like she was trying to pull me into her drama, when she knows that I have my own troubles at present in my new marriage. I just brushed her off as kindly as I could and sent her my condolences and that she should take care.

Anyway, this is just something that saddens me. Not that I would have much energy and positive cheer at present to invest in friendships outside of my marriage! What would I bring to a healthy friendship right now? Not much: just sadness and irritation.

I am so thankful for the few people in my life that "get" where I am at right now in my life: my dear older sister, and two wonderful colleagues and friends at my workplace.

And I am thankful for this Forum with the well-meaning, helpful, encouraging and supportive feedback the folks here provide for one another so unconditionally.

 

[Toria]

I had a message from an old friend the other day. She lives the other side of the country but used to live where we were and was always a friend of a friend. She then became a friend and once she moved away we kept in touch via FB. She said that she was worried about me as she felt I was living a very isolated life with just Husband and Dog for company.

I have to say it brought me up short. I know that I'm not good at keeping in touch with people - for ALL the reasons you outline Everhopeful. But I hadn't realised that people had noticed.

It is hard - you either put on your brave face and lie to your friends or you tell the truth and risk them running a mile.

Sending you big hugs - from a fellow few-friender! x

 

[StrongHeart]

This is all so true, and why forums like these are so helpful. I have a lovely friend who understands, and she emphasizes to me all the time that it's important to be social - that we are social creatures, and we need to be among friends.

My advice - go the extra mile. Reach out to people. I would love to run a real live support group for supporters and sufferers just so everyone could get together once a month for a pot luck party or picnic or something. It really is important, and there are more people who understand than we often credit.

 

[Madhather]

I tend to isolate, I have severe trust issues. In my relationship I encourage my partner to be social, it is a right and most humans require that type of interaction to remain emotionally healthy. I would encourage you to reach out and form friendships, there are still understanding people out there. :)

 

[gone]

I hear you @Everhopeful, I isolate too. But one thing I've found of late is that I actually like getting together with people who aren't necessarily so comfortable with my PTSD (because they don't understand it and don't know what to do, or because I haven't told them), and I like asking them rather intense questions about their lives—get them going on their own troubles. Honestly, it feels like a holiday to not be inside my own head with my own sufferings, to distract myself with theirs. And then sometimes, after opening up, they get to be better reciprocators. This way I avoid the inanity of chitchat.

 

[scout86]

It is hard - you either put on your brave face and lie to your friends or you tell the truth and risk them running a mile

The ones that don't run are your friends. The ones who do were acquaintances.

 

[Everhopeful]

:hug: Thank you All. It helps to know that there are people scattered around the world who understand as they are going through similar trying experiences. Yes, I try putting on my brave face with most, especially here at work. I am so bad at that though, when something is not right, I tend to get very withdrawn, irritable and even angry. People notice. It is just that when people are so glib about life, and they assume that everything is fine with someone when in reality it is not, it just makes me want to scream.

In South Africa, we have this fickle way of asking "How are you?" when we greet, and it is such a leading question - nobody really cares how you really are. The answer is always supposed to be "Fine thanks". Or people say "Are you STILL enjoying married life?" or "Are things STILL good with you?". The assumption that things have always been good and remain positive, is so annoying.

Anyway, :confused: I need to get off this soapbox of mine now and calm down a bit!!:nailbiting:

At least it is making me reflect on how I do not want to be towards others! I prefer to offer a hope that things are going alright with the other person when I greet them "Hope things are well for you" etc.

Thanks for listening!