Overcome With Misery

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

As Misery, is also the name of a part (DID) of mine, this seemed to be a fitting title. I just got back from a week long car trip vacation. My husband, two boys, and I traveled to see friends and relatives. That means a week of trying not to be crazy. That's hard. It's hard not to show my true fearful reactions. It's hard to keep my parts from popping out (though overall they are pretty good about not doing that around people, but a whole week was hard).

And I have been plagued by dreams about teaching. They would be nice happy anticipation of a new school year dreams, except that I made the decision not to work again next year. I feel like a failure. I feel miserable. I feel like I definitely made the wrong choice and only made it out of fear. Though I know there were other reasons, I can't think of them or make them count more than the feeling of being wrong.

I am tired all the time. I can't summon up enough energy to play with my kids and I am going to be left with my kids by myself next week. I don't think I can handle it, but I have to. But I already feel the failure that will come setting in.

I feel like I am just taking up space. Yet, there is a part of me that feels that I must hang on. That there is something more, but for now, I just feel overwhelmed with misery.

 

[ladee]

I feel and think that way when my depression is at it 's worst. Go thru the motions. Always exhausted, not just tired, exhausted. And the part about 'taking up space', oh my, that is my mantra when I feel like that.
You are not a failure... failures have no clue why or why not they do anything... they don't because they just don't... You have to work on you. Sounds like, if you went ahead and taught, you would be setting yourself UP for failure. If you aren't ready, you just aren't ready... I'm not ready to go back to work and I am in dire straights financially... oh well, picking my pain here... Stress of paying my bills or stress of letting myself down in a huge way by doing something I simply can not do right now... We aren't' failures... we are healing warriors !!!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

We aren't' failures... we are healing warriors !!!

I like that phrase. Wonder if I can remember that.

 

[Friday]

I am tired all the time. I can't summon up enough energy to play with my kids and I am going to be left with my kids by myself next week. I don't think I can handle it, but I have to. But I already feel the failure that will come setting in.

YMCA
Summer free movies
Drop-in Daycare
Sleepovers at a friends
Camps
Etc.

Just because you're going to have the kids on your own, doesn't mean you actually have to have the kids on your own.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Just because you're going to have the kids on your own, doesn't mean you actually have to have the kids on your own.

True enough. I am dropping them off at "camp" (daycare) during the days.

However, I will still be responsible for packing everything the need including lunches, making dinners (or at least serving it), and getting them cleaned and to bed. Sometimes, that stuff is okay and sometimes that stuff seems insurmountable. And if I switch at all, things just get worse and there will be no back up. I know I am worrying about the future, but I know how my kids and I work alone. Especially when I have absolutely no energy, but maybe that will miraculously change by next week. I've also been in pain that is severe at times and I can't take the pain killers when I have to drive (oh, yeah, I hate to drop them off and pick them up from daycare- it scares me) and take care of the kids so that's another worry. Maybe I need to seek out reinforcements, though I always feel like I should be able to do this myself and feel too much like a whiner for asking for help with my own kids!

 

[ladee]

Being truly responsible is having some back up and help... it's not whining, it reality.... hope you have someone to count on...might not feel so overwhelming then....

 

[ButterflyBean]

I second @ladee! You're not a failure; you just need a little help, and that's OK, although I know it's hard to ask for it. I sent you a PM, but I just thought of something else. Is there anyone who your boys enjoy being around? Can you set up a sort of play date with supervision from another adult so you can have time to yourself? You could use the alone time to check in with parts and talk with your therapist if you have trouble meeting their needs. Just an afterthought.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Is there anyone who your boys enjoy being around?

I might try asking a church friend, my aunt, or my mom to help spend time with us in the mornings and evenings. Maybe even spend the night. We'll see. I see it as yet another failure that I need help with my own children so it's hard.

 

[ladee]

Moms withOUT PTSD need help with their kids.... Instead of constantly telling yourself you are a failure, replace that thought with ,I AM a good mom, I do what is necessary for them and myself.... you won't believe it at first, but you might be surprised how much better you feel when you stop when you start feeding your brain that negative... and replace with it something that is positive... I AM A GOOD MOM.
The other day, I got triggered on here and started the ' you are so stupid' thinking.. I stopped... I mean consciously stopped... and said out loud... That is not true.. I am not stupid. I am not., and other things that was affirming.. I know it sounds silly, but it works.. within a few minutes, the bad feeling was gone... and it didn't derail my whole day...Hope that helps..

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@ladee , thanks for that reminder of changing what message I feed my brain. For a while I was writing down challenges to cognitive distortions and then reading them every day. I think perhaps I should do that again with this issue. It does work, I just forget about it when I am in that mode so definitely thanks for sharing that.