Overload?

[Justmehere]

Over the past 3 years I have really shut down around people. I just spent 2 days, on a "retreat." Basically it was me and 6 other women from my faith community hanging out in a (gorgeous) cabin in the mountains for the weekend. t is something I have done before, but it was a huge step for me to do this time. It was hard to not shut down and I almost backed out of the trip. I'm home. I managed to have the courage to go and to stay and made it through the weekend with only one panic attack. The rest of the time was a good time with everyone and almost relaxing. It took work for me to stay engaged and to not isolate the whole time while up at the cabin. I did have my dog with me, and I broke away from everyone to take her for walks. I just got home and I'm completely freaking out. I have no idea why. I'm filled with horrible panic and dread and horrible thoughts about me that don't seem to have anything to do with the weekend.

Everyone was nice and kind. I didn't know anyone super well, but half the group was friends and the other half was new friends. But here I am, fighting back self injury urges even (which I am easily resisting but shocked I have that urge after a good weekend.) It has been awhile since I spent so much time with people continuously in a friendship (as opposed to work or volunteer) environment.

This did not used to be a big deal for me to do in the past, but I knew going into the weekend this was going to be big for me to do now. I did it anyhow. It went well, except I'm home and melting down and I have no idea what is going on with me. Anyone ever experience anything like this?

 

[FindingMyself88]

:hug: first I want to say how brave I think you are for going! I could NOT have done that in the stage of recovery I am in now. That was a huge step out of your comfort zone and it sounds like you did amazing. Having your dog helped I am sure :)

Secondly I want to say I can relate to some degree. I too had a church thing this weekend. It was called Life Retreat, only because it was local, we all just went back to our homes to sleep. I couldn't have went had it been overnight. You can read my last post (They talked about Abuse and I didn't dissociate, and something else) to see details of the retreat as I don't want to take up your thread. Anyways, I know coming home I was extremely exhausted and in a dissociated fog. I did good at the services, except for one detail, but once I got home I think all of the anxious energy that had built up imploded. I will say I did some MAJOR painting then went to bed early.

I think it is normal for what you did this weekend, which was a LOT. You contained all the anxiety and such, then came home to a safe place and it released. Do something nice for yourself or that you find relaxing. Painting does that for me, but it also was a way to express my emotions about the retreat. I think I remember you saying you used oil pastels? If that is calming for you, maybe it would also be an output for all the anxiety. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I think it is normal. You contained all the anxiety and such, then came home to a safe place and it released.

This sounds pretty reasonable. I trigger in my house (or anyone's as I feel trapped due to a part of my trauma) so that is where my head went on this one, but without an obvious 'house trigger', I am going to go with FindingMyself88 and suggest that it is the release of being in your 'safe place' that is allowing you to relax out the anxiety of the weekend.

Feel better @Echo. :hug:

 

[atthree]

"I know when it's (panic attack) coming" and it happens sooner or later (Later is that we are prepared, know ourselves so well). This seems to be classic for me on remembering things. But remember I have been dealing with this from the age three, through school not knowing.

 

[open eyes]

Yes. When I'm around people for a long time, whether the interactions are good or bad I always get overwhelmed by the end of the trip. I wouldn't consider myself even close to being a loner but being around people for more than a few hours at a time gets me really anxious.

 

[shimmerz]

Feel better @Echo. :hug:

Awesome when you are replying to the wrong person. So sorry @Justmehere and @Echo. Please forgive. I had just read a posting of @Echo on my mind at the time I posted this. I will be more careful next time.

 

[Justmehere]

@FindingMyself88 - Big steps for us both! It sounds like you handled it well. I think this may be a case of anxiety catching up with me and imploding. You have inspired me to get out my oil pastels and an hour of creating with them and my heart is resting a bit easier. I am completely exhausted. My body is actually quite sore, and I wasn't that physically active. It feels like all of me is decompressing from the weekend. It's so confusing. Thank you for sharing your experience as it is helping me feel so much less like a freak and that is helping calm some of the self injury urges.

@shimmerz - My house is somewhat of a trigger for me too. The cabin was so relaxing, with a creek that went under it and everything. It was a pretty amazing place and it was nice to be away from the city, high up in the mountains. I loved the time with just me and my dog running in the snow early this morning. Some of my tears just may be from the heartache of coming back to reality. p.s. no worries about the mix up :) Besides, I consider it an honor to be mixed up with @Echo!

@atthree - I do wonder if my body is opening up and letting me feel more. I am feeling deep grief tonight for friends and family that I have lost.

@open eyes - thanks for sharing. It helps a lot to know I'm not the only one. Everyone else seemed to be so at ease around so many people for so long, I felt so alone in my battle. It is great relief to come here and be reminded I'm not alone in this battle.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I am so glad the oil pastels helped! :tup:. You are not a freak I promise you :hug:. anytime you need to talk, I can meet you on chat or you can message me, we seem to have a lot in common!

Hmm, you just gave me something to think about. I was physically exhausted before I even left the retreat, but I am really sore in my calves, thighs, and arms, and shoulders. What is even weirder is normally my neck is extremely tight, but it's not 0_o. Maybe when we are holding in anxiety, we tense up without realizing it??? Definitely something to talk to our Ts about.

 

[Justmehere]

I think I slept in a very tight position and I think I was holding my breath a lot of the time, not much, but after doing it all day long, it would make sense to be sore. It's interesting you feel sore too. I feel like I ran a marathon, it's like every muscle is sore. My therapist does some somatic therapy, and she does say we can process trauma through our bodies. I wonder if this is why I am so exhausted too. I will for sure be bringing it up with my therapist too! :)

 

[zaniara]

Oh.. I recognize some of this, from how I've felt and reacted this last period of time when I've started to go to a church more often, and even interact some within the parish. I sort of long to go there, and in the beginning it went really well, but as I started relaxing more I started reacting emotionally much more and now it's basically been a struggle/war going on inside. Old self-harm-impulses have came back and gotten stronger, and emotionally I've been a total mess. A lot of good feelings as well in the mix, but also hard ones(grief, pain, sadness and a LOT OF shame). I think it's partly because I've exposed my self to being vulnerable in the presence of other people. Since in church my emotions get strong and I can't 'put the mask' on like I do most times in public. I have had a hard time with being in public at all, but that was the way I coped with it: putting a mask on, holding my breath, shutting down: but now I church I seem unable to shut down..

Also I'm going to a silent retreat in two-three weeks and am scared, and possibly I will react emotionally even more there. Somehow I seem to never stop crying in church.. And then I've never cried in front of other people before if I'd help it: since it was a trigger to me(the abusers enjoyed my tears). My therapist says it's grief, and is happy about me finally getting in touch with it.

It sounds like you reacted physically during the retreat, with 'protecting your self physically' without being aware of it: so it's no wonder you are totally beaten down now! It was really brave of you to go! But someone said that healing is like peeling an onion: it's done in layers, and as we get into the deeper layers the emotions are even more raw and strong.. Be gentle with you and maybe create, talk, write it all out until you are calmer. Retreats often make people get in touch with deep feelings.

Also my physiotherapist talked today about how one can have sort of a fobia when it comes to feeling strong feelings.. I didn't really follow him first, but I guess I have a bit of that problem. (At least with letting go and feeling a lot of emotions in the presence of other people.) Also realized that feeling strong feelings and expressing them when I was little was connected to great danger: since both laughter, tears, too loud sounds or any expression of any emotion could trigger my father into a black-eyed rage(and violence). It varied what triggered him, and sometimes he didn't react: so I never really knew what made him explode.. and thus I closed down completely and didn't feel much at all.

Either way I think you are really brave and that you took a big step in allowing your self to go to the retreat and stay there. (But my physiotherapist talked about how babysteps can be good sometimes, and that taking too big steps can sometimes leave you overwhelmed. )