Overprotective Parenting And Ptsd

[Powder]

I'm having heavy PTSD symptoms because I'm stressed and triggered by my child's teachers. Has anyone had this?

This is a new problem for my family.

My 5-year-old in (full day) Public K-12 Kindergarten goes where our older child went. We had no problems with the school or staff then. They have changed as there is a 10 year gap in our children, who are very different in temperament.

Now, naturally, our 2nd child is the diametrical experience of having every teacher ask if she's been tested for ADHD yet and would I consider drugging her so that the day would be less hell-like for everyone involved. She's a fantastic, brilliant, charismatic, lovely child with a very strong opinion about everything, which usually runs counter to everyone else's.

Her pre-school teachers doted on her. She's frankly adorable. But her latest teacher in Kinder is at the end of her tether and is angry.

After meetings and complaints and involving the principal, now my child was not paying attention yesterday during story circle time, and the teacher bopped her on the head with the book she was reading. The whole class laughed at my daughter, age 5, who cried (which is rare for her) due to the humiliation.

I do not like this teacher; she is a huge trigger to me. So I emailed a very carefully worded and edited by my calm spouse note to the Principal, who apparently, thinks that the teacher can do no wrong, and my child OBVIOUSLY has some sort of disorder. This is triggering to me, but the principal, himself, is not. He's a safe kind of person.

I'm really upset that, once again, the adults get to win at the expense of the child. Doesn't my child deserve to be treated with a modicum of dignity? Does she have to put up with being humiliated in the class for her off task behavior? Is society's answer always to blame the child and medicate her? Why isn't the teacher held responsible for whapping her with a book?

Has anyone else found that their child abuse induced PTSD has made it hard to deal with parenting issues and authority figures without becoming dissociated, mute, and triggered? I'm so angry and triggered, but I am forcing myself to hold it together and try to find solutions for my daughter.

I know my reactions are overprotective, and this behavior isn't the worst thing that could happen, but I go totally "mama bear" and "apesh*t" when part of me feels an adult is overlooking, abusing, or just not respecting my "poor, defenseless child." I know my own severe at home, at friends, and at school child abuse trauma and now fuc*ed up PTSD brain makes me this way. But damn it, I love my kids to hell and back, and if I can't feel I can help/protect them from the bullies of this world, I don't know how I'm gonna be alright.

 

[rightkindofme]

I would call the police and file a report. There were witnesses. That's not permissible any more. You can take action.

I would ask for her to be immediately taken out of that classroom. There are teachers who can find a way to work with spirited children. You might have to move schools. I home school my very spirited kids because I don't think I can handle working with a school. I have too much education about the process of education. My kids are talkers and they have opinions and they don't conform very well. They will do great later in life. For now, I think the best thing to do is let them play.

Have you ever heard of unschooling? I have no idea what your family situation is like but it might be worth looking into. Don't squash your kid. There are other paths.

 

[Powder]

My h is a cop and thinks I'm over-reacting. She wasn't hurt or bruised. It was the equivalent of putting a dunce cap on her to be made fun of for a minute. My daughter is very proud, and won't be laughed at. So for her, being laughed at was the worst of it.

I agree with you that she is spirited and that in itself can be an asset later in life. And if she does "have" something, I think that learning skills to cope and adapt is also an asset later, not being drugged.

My niece had very severe ADHD and I notice she listened and behaved more calmly when she DID NOT take her meds, so I very much doubt that her diagnosis was accurate. This kind of science is in its infancy. I don't think they've come close to mapping the terrain at all. I do not think my child has ADHD. Rather she is too brilliant and totally bored out of her nut.

She is very passionate and way too smart to keep up with, even for me, and I have a Master's. I know she's much more intelligent than I am, and so I think she needs to be more interested and challenged. But she does need to learn to "give peace a chance" with other people as well.

Gawd! I wish she didn't rub everyone the wrong way.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I don't have PTSD but I am known to be a fiercely protective mama bear. I think there aren't enough parents that are willing to advocate and stand up for their children so I support your motherly instinct 100%. With that being said, my daughter was evaluated for autism when she was little and I was frightened of her being labeled and treated differently. Turns out she was just delayed and needed therapy to assist. She is now in gifted and just inducted in to Junior Honor Society.

There is nothing wrong with being protective of your child while being open to other options that may benefit them. FYI: my husband is also a LEO and I appreciate him staying calm when I'm ready to storm the school. We balance our parenting as a result. ;)

 

[Chava]

I've worked a lot in the schools (more universities lately but still teach little ones), had a great education myself (school was my "normal" place and I always felt good about myself there for the most part, loved my friends and the things I learned and activities I was involved in). I'm sure both you and the teacher are frustrated because it sounds like there is no common ground yet, ?? I don't believe meds are the answer for such little ones either. But has the principal helped you find a middle ground? It is hard to have 15-30 kids to teach all at once and making sure they are all getting needs med and moving forward, so some socialization and attention skills are necessary, as well as sometimes other assessments if there seems to be good reason.

Does she have an art or music teacher that can add their perspective to this? I tend to advocate for the gifted kids who are not doing so well attention or behavior-wise (I understand their boredom and developmental inability to manage it at times). I assume switching classroom teachers isn't an option at this point? Are you able to observe for part of a day to see what is happening exactly from the perspective of the classroom? It's quite different than the home environment and some kids thrive while others struggle at various times. But it sounds frustrating in that maybe the teacher has made up her mind. ???

That being said, if a kid "drifts off" for a bit I don't humiliate them or need their 100% attention 100% of the time. It sounds like the teacher is pretty rigid but I don't know the whole story. I'm glad you feel okay about the principal. It's really hard to know about ADD or jump into diagnosis because of all the developmental realities and quirks of the age. I've had 5 year old students who simply weren't ready to learn violin. For others, attention was the primary lesson (is for several years of music, I believe). If you think she's bored there are still lessons to be learned in managing boredom but also let the teacher or principal know. I've always tried to have a range of things for students to attend to and work on, so the brightest ones are simply working towards more challenging goals.

Finally, it is important that you advocate for your child, but if you feel really triggered by this teacher and feel like your stuff is playing into the frustration, consider having your husband make more of the contacts. Having him proof your notes makes sense. I can really understand your anger. But it sounds like there simply isn't a workable understanding yet, so you want to keep the communication open. Best wishes!!

 

[Neverthesame]

I do understand your concern about how best to proceed with regards to your overprotective tendencies. I do also think I understand where your H is speaking from. As yes a little bop on the head probably was not done with intent to harm.

But, as it's been a while since I was in my first year of primary school, maybe some things have changed. I don't recall ever having to wear a physical dunce cap, or figurative one for that matter. Sounds like negative reinforcement to me.

Not being a parent I can't really speak to what is normal child behaviour. Yet, really? This teacher is actually surprised she can't get a 5 year old child to sit still and face forward for a full school day? That's what 7-8 hours? Forgive me if this rude but it sounds to me like your child is the only one that isn't high in class. As for the principal's suggestion, I would personally tell him that unless he has a doctorate in pediatric medicine he forgot to tell anybody about. He should really keep his medical advice to himself.

Whoo, went on a bit of a tangent there. This just pushed some of my buttons for some reason.

 

[Chava]

p.s. asking about assessment, whether in line or not, is fair, but teachers shouldn't bring up medication at all. It sounds like you need somebody else's perspective. Any other teacher, the principal, anyone who can casually check in on the classroom without "watching" her just to see what is going on and being with some more reasonable or first-line recommendations (medication is not first line and it's not up to the teacher to even suggest).

 

[Powder]

The Principal suggested starting at the family Dr. and go from there with referrals, but yes, he did say testing was improved for assessment and that the drugs are carefully monitored and altered until just right over time. He said that it has open up "a whole new world" of possibilities for some children.

I appreciate that, but it doesn't really help us right now. I don't think she will Dx with ADHD, based on my training in Ed Psych classes, psych classes, and just observation. She has more sensory issues, which I believe are somewhat based on genetics and age. For example, I used to not be able to handle my different foods touching on the plate; it would put me off of the food altogether. It was the tastes mingling. At about 7 or 8, that was gone.

My child has many sensory issues with sounds, foods, motion, and social activities, so I think that has more to do with her, as well as anxiety, such as separation anxiety.

She does really well one-on-one with adults. She does not do well with other children, as she seems to have trouble resisting temptation, like Pinocchio in Disney. He just goes along with everyone's antics and joins in. She's even joined in on name calling. We've talked about how hurtful that can feel, but she did it again today when I visited her at recess.

Yes, it's frustrating. She's only 5. I hope we can figure this out.

Does she have an art or music teacher that can add their perspective to this?

Yes, the music teacher was invited to the meeting. She said my d. is "brilliant, creative, and not very cooperative." I had to agree, but not being cooperative is, I read again today, still a norm with age 5. By 6, it is normal to have gotten most of that under self-control. However, I think my child's main issue is temperament, and her grandma was far worse and similar. "Rebel without a cause" she is known as. The grandma used to slam other kids' fingers in doors on purpose. My kiddo would never do that, but she occasionally is a pest to the family dog, not too hurtful though.

Honestly, I think the teachers want total compliance and attention 100% of the time.

That being said, if a kid "drifts off" for a bit I don't humiliate them or need their 100% attention 100% of the time. It sounds like the teacher is pretty rigid but I don't know the whole story.

I think Chava summed a lot of the issue up right here. You got it! Why do they expect that of a small child???

I don't expect it of my college students 100%. You have to hold people to a slightly unnaturally high anxiety level for that to occur, even in adulthood. They talk about good anxiety levels for learning. I guess I understand, it's for focus and attention, but not at this age.

 

[Ms Terri]

You don't sound like you fit any labels you have used to describe yourself. I would offer my perspective as a former art teacher and mom and PTSD hostess, who suffered greatly at the hands of DCFS(Dept od Child &Family Services) or as I fondly refer to them as THE SS.
The problem is, schools and teachers can and do but in to your business. If you avail yourself of some very good advice on a website , American Family Rights print out Cheryl's booklet, 10 pages or so. In any event familiarize your self with your rights as a family.
If my child was ever hit by a teacher I would press charges for physical assault and have her license revoked. PERIOD. Depending where you are it's the state vs the teacher. You are just reporting a crime against your child. What might that teacher do next? If she wants to be paid to practice corporal punishment, she could join the oldest profession in the world and whip men for money.
This is inexcusable and you are feeling guilty. It's a 180 degree turn to see the situation clearly. If you get versed in your rights as a parent and educate yourself and family, nip this out.
If you feel shakey, is there an advocacy group to go with you and stand your ground. It really angers me that the agencies we used to trust are now the ones causing damage, as this teacher has done to you, your daughter and your family as a whole.
It's very difficult and scary, but protecting your kids is priotity. On the hierarchy of what's needed for learning to happen, first is safety.
I hope I don't come off as lecturing or critical, I am angered when I learn of people hurting children when its their job to protect them. I'm further angered that we as parents feel punished for caring about our kids.
I hope you find your way out of any self blame or second guessing your instincts.
Yes PTSD gets in our way, of course. If you were in a wheelchair and the school was not accessible would you feel this way? PTSD carries so much baggage with it.
Yes, it's hard and NO YOU NOR YOUR DD HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.
I'm very sorry this happened, I hope your principal helps you. Why didn't he already?
When I taught school I became disgusted at the amount of bullying by teachers, and the lack of protection they offered. I had no problem marching a class of special ed kids back to the teacher who had them just before me, shaming them to tears, I would walk right in and announce to her and the classes the good news: YOU WILL NEVER CAUSE ONE MORE CHILD TO CRY IN SHAME, EVER. YOU WILL ALWAYS TREAT THEM WITH RESPECT. HEY EVERYONE, A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MS ...HER FIRST DAY STARTS NOW!
The kids never ever trashed the art room when they broke in. I miss my job.
Cheers to you for being a great loving mom, getting some bolstering up and checking with others. A+

 

[Chava]

I don't think she will Dx with ADHD, based on my training in Ed Psych classes, psych classes, and just observation. She has more sensory issues, which I believe are somewhat based on genetics and age.

I know you are her mom and understand her better than anyone, but to me it does sound like you are doing diagnosing and you aren't an MD or an Ed Psych PhD either, right? I had a very compassionate and intelligent Ed Psych friend who did a lot of evals (actually I've really liked all the Ed psychs I've met...very supportive of kids). His last wish was to medicate kids. He really wanted to understand the situation from their perspective, but backed his whole process of assessment on his training in development, education, and observation itself. And if she's not very cooperative relative to other kids and all you have is, "But her grandma was worse..." I don't understand how that will help really understand the issue, right?

Can she be evaluated to rule stuff out so you don't feel like you are constantly fighting against teachers? Is there a recommendation for a good Ed. psych within the school or from the doctor? Not someone geared towards meds, but able to look at her more holistically and perhaps even make some recommendations that have nothing to do with diagnosis or medication. ??? Family docs do the medicating. Ed. psychs typically make different assessments and different recommendations more geared towards the educational setting and developmental goals. Sorry, it sounds very frustrating and I hope things will smooth over. It's a difficult age and while structure is helpful within certain settings, flexibility is also very important.

 

[sun seeker]

Been there. Done that. I'm the mother of a daughter, now grown up, who could have been a twin to yours. The only major difference is I considered school for all of about five minutes. I've never regretted that choice.

I too was mama bear, and while I could bang my head against the wall at the challenges of parenting a very bright, very determined child who didn't listen to direction, no one had better treat her as less or say anything unkind about her or I'd be seeing red. I don't think that's a bad thing. The world needs more involved parents who stand up for their kids. I don't think your reactions are unreasonable.

On the other hand, in retrospect I was overprotective, and now as an adult, she resents it. I did need to stand back a bit more and trust that she could do things for herself and be okay, in an age-appropriate way. My anxiety about keeping her safe was something that as she got older she interpreted as hovering and getting in the way.

No one can tell you what to do, but here's my opinion: school crushes unique, determined children like yours. All-day kindergarten is too stressful for most five year olds and I think that is what she is showing you. Do you absolutely have to have her in school all day? If you could keep her home even for another year, she might mature enough that school is a better fit. Or you might find out that you like having her at home so much that you go on that way. I don't know where in the U.S. you are, but homeschooling is legal everywhere in the country (unless anything has changed since I last looked), although some states, like California, impose a lot of restrictions. Or could you even send her for half a day?

And I know it's none of my business, but please, please don't let anyone bully you into medicating her for ADHD. Do your own research and make an informed choice. Find constructive things for her to do with that wonderful energy of hers instead. Find people to fill her life who appreciate her for who she is and draw out her talents.

It's an adventure. I kind of wish I was back there again, knowing what I know now.

 

[Chava]

here's my opinion: school crushes unique, determined children like yours.

Okay, I know it's an opinion, but is it based on wide knowledge of kids? I LOVED school. It was safe and exciting. I was in the gifted programming (which was oddly boring) but I had great music and art teachers...also teachers who helped me find my writing voice. I've had my own dreams, I've played in pro orchestras and teach now. I'd be dead without music. It was my dream and it's still my joy. My parents couldn't have given me my education, even as smart as they were. Ii also developed good relationships in school, which continue with my ability to be a good colleague and friend, but I struggle with close relationships. Without my education I would be entirely disconnected and gone long ago. I respect home-schooling choices. I don't really respect notions that schools crush unique kids. My students work on creative challenges daily. Some, probably like me, go home and take the music with them.

Okay, I'll back off. But best wishes to Muse and your daughter through this. I don't think it sounds like your child's dream teacher (not defending her either...follow more leads for perspective and keep in touch with principal)... I understand it's hard but I also am not assuming it's black-and-white (??), especially not with her just starting out her first year of full-day school (that's just tough).