Panic Attack Brought Self-harm Urges

[Sally sue]

So, I totally don't get this!!! A couple days ago I was in a PTSD seeking safety group (safety from others and ourselves), and this guy started talking about his trauma (which is not allowed because it can trigger people, duh!) and I had a panic attack! I blasted out of the room just about hysterical, the T came after me, helped me calm a little bit, then I went into the bathroom to try and calm a little more AND i desperately wanted to throw myself down the stairs OR bang my head HARD on the wall!!! It was all I could do to try and stop myself ahhhh!

I really don't understand why when I'm having a panic attack, self-harm seems like the answer!!! It's SO hard to fight the urge!!

Does anyone else know what I mean or am I just a freak?

Sally Sue

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Sally sue Can you explain what a 'PTSD safety group' is? That is a new idea for me and I don't think I have ever heard that on the forum, or anywhere else before.

 

[Sally sue]

It's through Kaiser and since I only just started, I'm not that clear ha. From what I understand it's a group where everyone has PTSD AND they self-harm (most are recovering alcoholics)...each week we have a lesson with a T and discuss how we cope interpersonally, personally, and what good coping skills and community resources we use.

Does that help?

 

[Justmehere]

I have felt the same way at times. For me, the self harm urge is about desperately wanting to feel anything other than the fear or what I'm afraid of - and some kind if internal conflict I don't understand myself.

 

[Sally sue]

But it doesn't seem like a "normal" reaction to panic, is it?

Is it from my past? Am I trying to punish myself for being out-of-control? It bothers me a lot that I don't understand!

I came from an abusive family and was taught never to show emotions, or you'd get something to cry about, but it's like a knee-jerk reaction, a panic attack...:( I just don't understand... And I think it scared me because the self-harm impulse was SO strong!

 

[Fadeaway]

It is normal for me, because I need something to override the anxiety or emotional pain and physical can do that. It has never scared me, but it has certainly scared those around me.

I want to point out that it depends on the level of anxiety and emotional pain for me. Minor anxiety, no. Severe anxiety yes. It takes a lot to get me to that point, but when it happens I feel like the anxiety won't go away until I cut, although that isn't true. It just feels like it at the time.

However, I cut more out of pain than anxiety.

Frustration with not knowing how to control certain emotions can drive me to other forms of self harm as well. It is like looking for off the wall methods to figure out how to cope when you can't think clearly. The quickest easiest way is to turn on myself because I am the one not able to get a grasp on myself and what I am feeling.

Hope that helps and makes sense to a point, because i am not even sure it makes sense to me, I just know that it is what it is.

 

[Justmehere]

Self harm is a way to try to regular emotions - one of many unhealthy ways of regulating like eating disorder and addictions. None of them are healthy ways to regulate but they are all done because for a brief time, they sort of "work."

The more intense the emotional dysregulation, the stronger the pull to act on the unhealthy way of regulating emotion.

For me, when I was a kid, crying was grounds to get punished or even abused. I internalized the message that emotions are intolerable, unacceptable, and must be stopped at all costs, even if it takes self harm to stop them. This is especially strong for me if anyone is around to see my emotions. It's not a thought process but a well ingrained message in me.

In therapy, I have worked on undoing that message I internalized, learning to experience the emotions without acting on self harm and replacing the self harm with other healthy skills and the urges have dramatically reduced and keep going down.

 

[digger]

But it doesn't seem like a "normal" reaction to panic, is it?

It is 'normal' for me because self harm in some form was my go to response to out of control emotions from a very early age, so even though I am less likely to act on it now, it is still one of the first things that comes to mind. Do you have a history of using self harm to regulate emotion?