Paranoid About Being Watched

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm paranoid.

It's nothing new -I'm just bringing it up here for the first time. I have a slight idea where it's coming from, but only slight. When I was a kid I used to have weird visualizations that I can't place anywhere rationally, of being sort of locked up and have people watch me like some kind of medical experiment.

I know it sounds weird. In my family people tend to believe in past lives and say that we remember stuff from it. Since I have no other explanation for it, I have just assumed maybe they are right. But the other root of the problem I do understand. When I lived with my dad, I wasn't trusted.

I was observed by my dad on a near constant basis. He wanted to know what I did, where I was hanging out. I wanted to feel protected and close shutters and curtains, but he was against it. To make matters worse, we had a house with one side of my room being a gigantic glass door, so it was like living in a fishbowl.

My paranoia is at its worst when I have to shower. It's not so bad when I am renting my own place, but I live with different people here and my mind is convinced that they must've put up devices to spy on me, even though rationally I can tell myself it's improbable. I would feel much better if I could just take apart everything in the bathroom to see if there was anything hidden in it.

I'm not sure how to deal with this except getting therapy (I am looking for it).
Can anybody relate? Do you have any advice?

Thanks.

 

[illusionist]

I was exactly the same when I shared a house with two guys, I'd only shower at night and put a tiny tealight candle on so I couldn't be seen. Then I decided that I would be the one to take over the cleaning of the bathroom, so told them that toiletries etc were to be kept to a minimum for easy cleaning. I could then see that there were no cameras. I later told one of the guys and he laughed and said he had exactly the same fear!...maybe it's more common than I realised.

I've had the same thing when I've been on my own renting a place, checking the place out in case landlord has put cameras in. I have no background reason to be like this.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm happy it's more uncommon than I thought, but I still hate it. Just came out of the shower after deciding to venture in. Anxiety all over the place. I feel disgusting and invaded...

I've tried just washing up in my room, which feels way safer, but sometimes I think maybe if I take measures "not to be seen", then I am enabling my own paranoia... :(

 

[illusionist]

That's what I thought when I was using the tealight....I was just enabling the paranoia. It did stop for me once I had a clear view of the bathroom. It became an unconscious scan.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I shared a house with six guys in my twenties. If they were all home, I felt incredibly safe. But if there was only me and one of them home, I was terrified. I did the housecleaning and forbade them from using "my" bathroom. It helped knowing it was just my space but I still took all my clothes to change into and locked the door. Five of them were a rock band so you can imagine the partying that went on. Still, when the house was full, I felt safe.

 

[illusionist]

Does your shower have a glass screen?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

yeah. But it isn't see through (has some kinda bubble pattern). That's not a solution though, since there is some sort of air vent above (in the ceiling) that I am paranoid about too. Even if I took apart all the things in the room, I'm not sure the paranoia would be over...

It is one bathroom, with washing machine, dryer, a cabinet, sink, and window to the street in it. And the shower cabinet with glass (well more like plastic) panels.

 

[Hope to Encourage]

I'm paranoid too :( at night I have to check the trunk of my car and backseat before leaving work. I have worried so many times about cameras or people watching me. I hate driving at night when only one car is following me. I have so many safety procedures in my daily routine.

 

[Born to Run]

Would it help to put a shower curtain around the plastic cabin, when you are in there? I know it is not see through, but I never like those things. What if you would take all things apart in the bathroom and see what it does for you? Just some ideas.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

I do not have PTSD .. I'm in the forum primarily as a "supporter" .. that said, I freak out over vents in bathrooms and possible hidden cameras, etc. I may have seen too many horror news reports - I won't tell you what I know, cuz it could trigger some of our friends, here! .. But I have to coach myself calm every time I venture into a public restroom!

.. now .. this doesn't speak to trauma related fears, but I definitely feel less anxious about it now that I have lost so much weight, and it makes me wonder if there are underlying "body insecurity" issues perhaps at play? Not so much a "being violated" fear, but a deeper "feeling shame" that puts fuel on that fire? And if so - perhaps continuing to address "feeling shame" as a root might help bring greater peace in this area?

*thinking out loud*

:hug:

~S2B

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Taking it apart would draw a lot of attention... haha... but you definitely gave me a good idea, @Born to Run! I might buy a couple of these really big black towels and hang them around the cabinet and on top of it... will make it feel like a sauna :roflmao: but it might help with the idea of being watched.
Thanks!

@ptsdspouse2b with me it is a different kind of issue, since I actually am quite slim, and I am not so much insecure about the looks of my body. I can't say that I appreciate my body much, but I have other kind of trouble with it -which actually ties into the post @RussH posted after I wrote this one. There is so much of an unhealthy obsession with the female body out there in this world, which makes me feel kind of sick.

My issues with being female are also rooted in my childhood and the role of my parents, but that one definitely is a part of it. I feel like I am "one of the targets" of this rather unhealthy obsession, and I don't want to be the target. Ergo, I don't want to have an attractive female body. I don't want attention for that reason. I don't want to be a man, either. Would be so great if I could transform into a crab :D

 

[Born to Run]

I was thinking, maybe taking apart and checking out that air vent thing above the shower would not be too invasive. As you suggest putting towels on top, might be difficult if you have the water running. If the air vent is declared safe by you, it might be easier maybe.