Parent-child relationship and self absorbedness

[ninja]

I find I am super sensitive to wanting to make sure I am not self absorbed. I hope for reciprocal relationships everywhere, including with my parents. I have a hard time letting myself be supported. This particular dynamic has been here for awhile. I did act as a supporter to my parents as a child and felt I couldn't burden them with my own things because of the stress they were under. They are good people. The family system had some struggles.

I understand the parent-child dynamic is such that there isn't supposed to be full reciprocity. I understand that can change as the child grows and transitions into becoming an adult. I am a young adult and I feel this is an awkward and clumsy process. I feel selfish a lot. I feel I call my parents when I need some help feeling grounded. I talk about things going on in my life. Sometimes that takes up most of the discussion. I apologize to them, and I make an effort often to talk about things that they are up to and interested in.

As a parent do you expect to have a fully reciprocal relationship with you children. Young adult children. When did this happen?

And how do you tell for yourself when you are being too self absorbed? When your kids are, beyond reason?

 

[Gamera3000]

I am a 40 year old parent of a 3 year old. My 39 year old sister has an 18 year old, an 11 year old, and an 8 year old. My sister and I are half-sisters. We were raised separately by self-absorbed mothers and our dad died when I was a baby and my sister was a fetus. My sister is pretty self-absorbed and I get to watch that. :/ I am married to a man with two wonderful parents, who were themselves survivors of horrific childhoods.

It is the job of a parent to listen to their kids' problems, pretty much forever. My husband is middle aged, and he will sometimes call his parents if our son has gotten in trouble and we don't know how to discipline him, or if one of our pets has died. They listen to him as he unloads his emotions without restraint, they comfort him, and they tell him what they think he should do. He might then say what he will do and they will say if they think it's a good idea or not. His parents call him every night and he listens to the family gossip, which does not include much personal information about his parents themselves. The personal news is stuff like, "I ate a gravy biscuit just now" or "Your daddy just mowed the lawn".

Until a parent is elderly, I do not think it is normal for a parent to tell a child very much about their own personal problems. I have observed that in normal people, parents begin telling their adult children personal things around the time the adult children reach their 30s, and then only occasionally. It might be something like, "We're having financial difficulties and are talking to someone about it" or "Your father is having a prostrate issue and needs to take it easy for awhile". These type of things would be too personal for a younger adult child and completely inappropriate for a child under 18 to hear. I used to hear way worse than this as early as I can remember, as did my sister. Such as being told specifics about the family budget, the adults sex life, perhaps crimes or bad decisions the adult made. My mom used to get high and tell me rape stories. She was and still is completely nuts.

My sister does not seem to consider asking her kids much of anything and they do not seem to tell her very much. This is obviously not normal. The oldest has told me that my sister does not think to hug them or cuddle them. She will tell them what is appropriate or not appropriate, but will fail to give them specific advice about what one would do in a given situation. This is a large difference that I have seen in normal relations from my husband's family. His parents will tell him exactly what they think he should say or do and then he will make an adjustment and follow that template. We do this with our three year old and it works really well. I have noticed with my older niece that not having the template has gotten her into harmful situations a few times.

I do not think it is normal for a child to spend much time asking an adult how they are doing, or to be spending much time trying to make the adult feel better, or trying to get the adult to talk about themselves. A young adult, say, between 18 and 30, may be having trouble not knowing how much to "complain about" or "share" with parents. It might be odd to be sharing something like bar stories, but normal to be sharing work stories. Remember that a young adult is transitioning between being a child and a full adult, so you're feeling out a new way of dealing with your parents than what you were previously used to.

Sorry for the long reply. I found your question interesting. Not just because of my personal experience, but because I study something called symbolic interactionism, which are the tiny nuances of communication. Like not just what is said, but how it is specifically said and what that means.

 

[shimmerz]

As a parent do you expect to have a fully reciprocal relationship with you children.

Yep. It is reciprocal. I listen to what they need in the moment and because I love them, I give them whatever they need at that time. Mostly that is to talk to them about them. My kids are men, aged 35, 33, and 31.

My job isn't to burden them with my issues. I have friends for that.

As a nicety, my kids ask me how I am but I usually skim over that and turn it around to see what is going on in their lives. I think you are doing what a normal kid would do. Doesn't matter your age. Parents are parents and kids are kids forever.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think a parent child relationship is ever meant to be fully reciprocal.

At least that's what my therapist tells me.

 

[shimmerz]

ever meant to be fully reciprocal

I think fully reciprocal can border on (or be) enmeshment.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not know the answer. I would be happy for loving and kind communications on both sides. I never had good parents so I am just swimming in the dark and going by my gut instincts here. Yes, I would be happy with loving and kind communication on both sides. I still have so much to learn.

 

[The Albatross]

Ugh. No, kids aren't kids for ever. Reciprocal is nice but not really necessary provided at least one of the parties of the first and second part can keep a goal focused purpose. My mother's mental state has deteriorated and is increasingly teen/youth like. "I" am the rational/reasoned... and to her seem to represent the "parent like one" to my brother's ambivalence and believe me he's getting the better end of the deal. However I can deal with more cuz I got my focus on the longer term goals. A few here thought I should have given up on my mother a good while ago... but that isn't who "I" am nor what I want for my mother (my goal).