Parenting

[subtleomen]

How do you do it without letting the darkness out? My little one is such a trigger for me, but she does not deserve the wrath of my trauma induced distorted thinking. I am deeply afraid of repeating the cycle.

 

[Kubash16]

Are you in therapy?

 

[subtleomen]

Yes, I am in therapy. It is helping, but I’m getting worse before I get better sort of thing. In order to untangle all the noise, I’ve got to go through it. I want to prevent any “collateral damage” during this process.

 

[Kubash16]

I get that and I am so glad you are in therapy!

Firstly, have you talked to your therapist about your child being a trigger?

Is there another adult in the home that can take over care for you when you start feeling overwhelmed/angry?

Have you talked about general coping skills with your T?

Are you getting enough alone time to go walking/swimming/hiking/something physical on your own to let out some of that energy?

 

[subtleomen]

I get that and I am so glad you are in therapy!

Firstly, have you talked to your therapist about your child being a trigger?

Is there another adult in the home that can take over care for you when you start feeling overwhelmed/angry?

Have you talked about general coping skills with your T?

Are you getting enough alone time to go walking/swimming/hiking/something physical on your own to let out some of that energy?

Yes, we have talked about my child being a trigger.

Yes, there is another adult around. We discussed me needing to remove myself suddenly on occasion.

What are general coping skills? I pretty much have three, denial, avoidance and a fight response. LOL. No we have not. I am only 4 weeks in to therapy this time.

No, I am not getting enough alone time. Also discussed with the other adult in my house.

 

[Chris-duck]

How old is your kid if you don't mind me asking? Just cos it probably changes how much freedom you'll have while you're actively parenting.

Mine are 10,9,5,4 and I've had them since they were 7,6,2,1. I only have them half the week but sometimes on crap days I'll force myself to set up an art station or obstacle course in another room with cushions so they can run around with minimal effort. Or I'd take them soft play for few hours and watch YouTube on phone while they play.

For babies or toddlers it's harder because they demand attention when they want it. Do you have someone that could babysit n get you some real chill time? Or what sorta things help when you do have time alone? Could you negotiate with the other adult that you always get that hour or two to decompress or is that not an option?

 

[Kubash16]

Yes, we have talked about my child being a trigger.

What do they say/suggest for this?

So coping skills is a broad topic that you can find a lot about on here. Some things I would suggest for you is like Chris said, asking the other adult to take over long enough for you to have decompression time. I would suggest leaving your house altogether for this so that you are truly getting some head clearing time without distraction. If you can’t, go to a different room or something to write in a journal, talk to Youper/Woebot (smartphone apps that can sometimes help), paint or some other kind of art or hobby you enjoy. If your child still has a nap time- that’s a great chance to have some alone time.

 

[subtleomen]

How old is your kid if you don't mind me asking? Just cos it probably changes how much freedom you'll have while you're actively parenting.

Mine are 10,9,5,4 and I've had them since they were 7,6,2,1. I only have them half the week but sometimes on crap days I'll force myself to set up an art station or obstacle course in another room with cushions so they can run around with minimal effort. Or I'd take them soft play for few hours and watch YouTube on phone while they play.

For babies or toddlers it's harder because they demand attention when they want it. Do you have someone that could babysit n get you some real chill time? Or what sorta things help when you do have time alone? Could you negotiate with the other adult that you always get that hour or two to decompress or is that not an option?

She is 6, and she LOOOOOOOOVES her daddy which is great. The attention thing is not so much an issue, but she has no concept of physical boundaries which for me equates to hypervigilance and being startled over and over again. Once it starts it's a downward spiral that begins with me trying to explain my own boundaries and asking her not to do specific behaviors several times, but almost always ends in me shouting at her to get away from me which she doesn't deserve. Thing is, any self-control I can muster in this situation is a monumental effort. She ends up crying and hurt and it's like I am looking directly at my 6 year old self.

 

[Chris-duck]

but she has no concept of physical boundaries which for me equates to hypervigilance and being startled over and over again.

For me this was a pretty gradual thing tbh. It was a bunch of "yeah! Sure! We can totally snuggle! Just ask and your wish is my command ? *insert dramatic pose here*" now they consider them asking to jump on me the start of a game. Which makes it more fun for them to ask than for them to jump on me unexpectedly. Without it even registering to them that I really hate being touched unexpectedly

 

[sunshinedaydream]

My children are triggers as well, and it can be really difficult. I rely a lot on distraction. and if I have to, I let them watch TV.

 

[PreciousChild]

I wanted to compliment you on your efforts to manage the ptsd for your child's sake. I think that if you're trying, you're going to make things better.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Do you have something that you do for you, like a fun class-something you can look forward to for just you? Maybe yoga, water aerobics, line dancing class, art class (water color, clay sculpturing, etc), if you are social-a women's group, a meet-up, a hiking group, or whatever is a real interest. Having a regulated time, once a week, when the kids know mommy is taking care of herself and you know you have that time to do something you want to do can be just time for you, to do something you want to do. It is hard being a parent, because we are always doing for others and forget to take care of us, too.