Parents Want To "understand"...help?

[Springer80]

Hhhmmmmm, Sounds like it might be tricky. Are they in any way connected to the trauma directly or are they complicit in any way, through denial/bystander etc?

 

[Emma13]

Are they in any way connected to the trauma directly or are they complicit in any way, through denial/bystander etc?

Neither. They didn't know it went on until I told them two years ago when my memories came back. But my abuser is my uncle's step-son.

 

[Eleanor]

Hey Emma, it sounds like you need to find a therapist. My best friend, years and years ago when I was looking for my first therapist told me to pick at least three, and better five likely looking prospects from the phone book. (You should look for people who specialize in anxiety disorders to find PTSD folks) Call and talk to them on the phone. You are interviewing them. Ask what their approach is to therapy - what school of thought they follow. Ask if they've ever treated someone with a problem like yours. Describe what you are experiencing and a bit of history (very general) and ask how long they think it will take to ... whatever your goal is. If they don't have a good idea of how long it will take, move on. You are looking for someone who sounds sensible and who you connect with.

I've done this a couple of times since, and I've come up with pretty good people each time.

Here is the thing, your parents can't "parent" you through PTSD. So they are kind of fifth wheels in this thing. If they are not total ***holes (and they may be in the relevant respects, I don't know!) they will need a lot of information, and will probably be "in and out" in terms of support since they will have a lot of guilt and tendency toward avoidance in thinking about/acknowledging what happened to you.

They don't need to know any of the details of your trauma to learn to be sensitive/considerate/supportive of what you are going through NOW.

 

[Emma13]

Thanks Eleanor, I am actually going to call around for therapists.

Oh dear, my parents are saying my PTSD is a crutch and that they really understand. That I am letting PTSD control me. Can I call BS on that? I mean really.

Italics=sarcasm.

 

[Eleanor]

Sooooo, are you using it as a crutch? That is to say, there is a natural enough tendancy that we all fall prey to sometimes to take an easy way out, make excuses etc. So this is a good thing to be aware of and watch out for. "The Dreaded Comfort Zone" quickly becomes a padded wall prison with PTSD.

OR are they denial/paper it over/happy talk kinds of people anyhow? I know to ask this only because my parents are total experts at being ruthlessly pleasant and nice. They live in happy world where nothing bad ever happens, and if something really bad seems to happen you just ignore it until it goes away. Seriously. And their capacity to forget stuff seems limitless. Sometimes this comes in handy, as when my not-then-yet-ex-husband wrote an email to the members of my immediate family accusing me of having an affair with a colleague. The truly awesome thing about this is that I knew that according to my family rules No One Would Ever Bring This Up with me unless I brought it up first. And my parents would instantly forget about it. I made him write a retraction anyhow (it was totally false) but that was kind of symbolic gesture.

So if it is BS, yes, I would throw the B***S**t flag. And unless they have some experiential basis for the claim that they get PTSD (long term anxiety disorder? Parent with mental illness? Chronic depression?) I'd guess they, like most well-meaning people, haven't a clue. And I'm guessing you've protected them from most of it? Or am I just blowing smoke here and projecting like mad?

 

[Emma13]

Well, I don't think I am using it as a crutch. I've been diagnosed with PTSD for nearly three years. For two years I was one of the primary caregivers for my grandmother. I was so focused on her that I hardly had any reactions to anything trauma or PTSD related, but since she's died I've been grieving slowly. There are some days where I just want to sleep for days. I don't want to get out of bed.

My parents are the type that imply that I am not trying hard enough to move past it. So they like to try to "encourage" me to try harder. Their "encouragements" just stress me out. Also, apparently my mother has an anxiety disorder. I had no clue till she decided to yell it at me early tonight.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I call foul.

No, they don't "really" understand for the simple fact that they can't. Those with PTSD will understand the best perhaps, but even so, our experiences vary with this disorder and no two traumas are identical. I get the feeling this is their way of brushing you off.

I get into an episode and whine that nobody understands. My dad tells me point blank "nobody is ever going to understand because they can't". He's not an ass about it or anything. He just knows I've been struggling with this for a long time and lying to me and saying that people really understand would be counterproductive because I see right through it.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Emma,

I don't think your parents have a clue that they are being anything but supportive and are probably confused by the whole situation. But it isn't your responsibility to educate them or to conform to their concept of healing, as your responsibility is to do what you need to do to get better.

You've been given some advice about finding a therapist and a therapist can help you with setting appropriate boundaries with your parents. Sometimes the best support is having the space to do what you need to do and just knowing someone is there to listen when you need to talk. No one can fix another person and we can only fix ourselves. Tough for parents to understand, especially is they really care.

Just my .02.

Debbie

 

[saffy]

I printed out articles to give to my parents, but I haven't yet. I am a little apprehensive.

My parents are the type that imply that I am not trying hard enough to move past it.

Hi Emma

I think by what you have said it is even more important now that they know the full facts of PTSD.

Giving them your printouts will give them time to read and digest the facts better and with hopefully come to understand the dynamics of it. Without this knowledge they can only speculate on how you are feeling and what is going on.

Until then hopefully you can stay strong and know that they speak and act through ignorance even though their intentions might be good.



Hopefully you will find a good therapist, as suggested.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Springer80]

http://www.trauma-pages.com/a/nijenhuis-2004.php

my parents are saying my PTSD is a crutch and that they really understand. That I am letting PTSD control me. Can I call BS on that? I mean really.

 

[Emma13]

I gave my dad the articles. He did the thing where he read a little, then talked to me, then read more, then tried to get me to understand from where they are coming from. All the while my mother was yelling comments from their bedroom. There were even a couple of times where my dad stood in the doorway of their room and would tell my mom things which were all about me.

I will say this when it comes to my parents I like my dad more than my mom. I am a very creative person and my dad is very supportive when it comes to that. He always likes to know what crafty things I am doing. My mother not so much.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry not to have been back yesterday (didn't show up on my alerts! ARGH!)

So your dad is trying. And your mom is freaking out. Hiding in the bedroom and then yelling in comments? Honestly she could just come in sit down, read and talk? Did your dad go straight to defensive? Did he ask any questions? Try to get clarity on your experience at all? At least he read! Did anything get through?

I hope they settle down and can get to where they are calm enough to try to understand you before they go off on you understanding them. By rights, they should go first. Since they are the parents and all.:)

One of the genuinely rotten things about growing up is that you learn who your parents actually ARE. And then you have to choose how to handle it. :hug: