Part Of A Group That Just Isn't Working

[ladee]

So happy to see you checking in Florian..... have missed your 'voice'. And you have made a lot of progress. A lot more insight. So the journey is not so hard when we understand it better. Learning and teaching..... that's the gift you give us! Gentle hugs

 

[Virtues]

Well... another tough day at the ranch; Cannon, Coffee, & Dunny are all still injured so we're running short on horses. Cannon is still healing up from the puncture wound. Coffee got her foot caught in the fence a while back and she's still healing up from that, and the new horse "Tank" got a hold of Dunny Boy and took a few chomps out of his backside so he's stepping gingerly. My therapist decided after the run in with Dunny Boy that Tank wasn't going to work out in the heard and he was sold to the Police Department; he will be part of their mounted police division. Besides the 2 foals we only have 4 horses left. Rey (who is always ridden by one of our other veterans), Ginger (my therapist's horse), QT (one of the program director's horse) and Casey. So this brings me to Casey. Casey and I have never had a good relationship, but I figured I would give it another try. It did not go so good. She was not responsive to my commands at all, so we spent the whole day in the arena working on basic commands and I never did establish a bond with her. The program director told me not to be so hard on myself, but it's really hard not to be. I was very critical of all of my mistakes and the more critical I was the more I magnified them and the more pronounced the mistakes became. I could bore you all with a list of everything I did wrong, but I will save that for my dressage instructor. I'll just say what I learned and that is that I need to be more forceful and not so gentle (this probably applies to my life as well). The horses I fear working with the most are the ones that force me to be bold and forceful. I need to go to these places that are uncomfortable for me. I need to be brave. I need to find the courage that was there before the trauma; it's still in there I just need to learn how to harness it again. This is going to be a big stepping stone for me, a huge benchmark in my recovery...

 

[Sighs]

The fact that you can identify and articulate it so well is a huge indicator that you are well on your way to harnessing it.

We had to put down my horse last weekend as he broke his leg in a paddock accident. I now need to decide which of our "spare" horses to work with. Neither is ideal, but I'm going to really try and push through and work with one or both of them this summer. Thank you for sharing your story - it has helped me find the courage I need to do this.

 

[ms spock]

I am enjoying reading your experiences @Florian7051. Amazing insights.

 

[Virtues]

...We had to put down my horse last weekend...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the herd becomes like family. When I approach my herd in the pasture there is a totally different dynamic than when I approach them in the barn. The alpha male and alpha female will only allow certain horses to come up to greet me. They will chase the other horses off, so I know I fit somewhere in the pecking order of the herd. I am as much a member of their family as they are mine. I don't know what it feels like to lose a member of my herd; I haven't had to go through that passage of life yet. I'm sure it is a deep sense of loss. I hope you connect with one of the other members of your herd. I have made several unique connections with mine. Each of the connections I have made is different, but I value them all, from the round pen to the arena and everywhere in between.

 

[Sighs]

Each of our horses has a very different personality and I need to remind myself to value the connection I have with each of them rather than comparing it to the connection I had to my Little Man. He was a very affectionate horse and would leave the herd to approach for cuddles. I know the only way to build those connections is to spend more time working the horses so plan to start doing that in the next few weeks.

 

[Virtues]

Well I haven't been up to the ranch in about a month. My sitter has a detached retina, and is awaiting surgery, so I didn't want to push my kids off on her. It wasn't until last week that she called me and asked me what's up and why I haven't been going out to the ranch. She assured me she was fine to watch my girls, so I finally decided to take her up on her offer yesterday. When I got up to the ranch I was expecting to do some riding, but instead I walked into a meeting. I kind of knew that this was coming down the pipeline, but it became official as of yesterday. As of yesterday the program is being restructured and I have been asked to return to the program in the facet of a "mentor". The program will no longer be an indefinite form of therapy, but a structured linear program that stretches 8 weeks beginning to end in which a veteran "graduates" and there is a completion date. There will also be a vetting process in which veterans will need to be screened before entry into the program. This will ensure that the vet is a good fit for the program, to avoid "drop-outs" or vets w/o disabilities taking advantage of the program, I'm guessing. There is positives and negatives to these changes, but the positives far outweigh the negatives. The positives are that the program is expanding greatly and reaching out to far more veterans (and that's what the program is all about, helping veterans). Also, I will be in a new role which I think will be rewarding. Any chance to give back to others is a worthwhile cause. The downside is obviously that this will be more of a backseat role. I have been told that over the last 2 years I have earned the trust of the ranch owner, and that if I ever want to come up to the ranch and take a horse out by myself I am entrusted to do so; the only stipulation is that if I go trail riding that I take a battle buddy with me. I guess you could say I have long since graduated the program and I am returning as a volunteer. Including myself there were 4 members within the program that were asked to return as "mentors". As far as I know the 4 of us will remain part of the program on a permanent basis. I use the term "permanent" loosely, as I know over time anything can change, but as for now it seems to be an indefinite position. I have mixed feelings about this new position. On one hand I am honored to have been selected for such a role in this new program. On the other hand I question my ability to fulfill this position. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I know the confidence I lack to fulfill this role is exactly why I need to fulfill this role, but logic and emotion are not aligned right now.

 

[Sighs]

I think you will be great in this role! You've come so far with the program and will be a wonderful mentor to vets just at the start of the journey with horses. It's great news that you have permission to trail ride. (No-one should ride alone for safety reasons so the battle buddy stipulation just makes sense.)

Congratulations!

 

[Virtues]

I'm kind of stuck and don't know what to do. A while back I was suppose to start taking a veteran up to the ranch with me, but he bailed on me and I never really knew why. I see him regularly at the VA but never approached him about it. I didn't want to pressure him into going; it's one of those things you either want to be there or you don't. He finally approached me the other day and admitted to me that he is afraid of horses (why he wants to do this is beyond me) but he wants to get over his fear and wants to be part of the program. He was at one point cleared hot to be part of the program, but now with the program being restructured I think that everyone has to be re-vetted in order to join. I told this guy that I would take him already (this is before I knew the program was going to be re-tooled) and now I don't have the heart to tell him, I'm sorry, but if you want to join you need to re-apply. He knows that I haven't been going regularly due to my lack of child care, but doesn't know about the meeting I had last week. I won't be able to make it this week again because of child care, but eventually I'm going to have to talk with this guy and I'm not looking forward to the conversation. How do I break it to this guy. He was actually doing Habitat for Humanity and gave it up so he could start going out to the ranch. I don't like letting people down (I'm sure there's an iceberg there) but it doesn't make it any easier. We have the same doctors, do I go to his doctor and explain the situation to him/her and get advice on how to best approach him? Any input would be appreciated.

 

[Sighs]

Do you know for sure that he needs to reapply? Can you explain the situation to the people who run the program at the ranch and find out exactly what the situation is regarding him personally?

 

[ms spock]

@Sighs is right find out what the facts of the situation are before you say anything. Let them know he is feeling vulnerable, and see what they say. You are thinking about having a conversation which may not even need to take place.

Now I know this distorted cognition really well! I can tell you that this distorted cognitions involves both fortune telling that you know what the situation without checking in first and mind reading - you are thinking you know what the horsey place people are thinking without actual evidence, about this particular veteran.

As I generally suck at interpersonal communication I can make no suggestions there. But you have grown and changed so much and you have a good understanding what it is like to be you, and so I think you have a good basis for doing some deep listening, and really hearing this person.

 

[Friday]

Agreed. Talk to the Ranch, first. Get it straight from them what he needs to do.

If you're shepherding him, grab any paperwork and walk him through it. It can be good news that they're restructuring, since now the guy he was looking to, to help him transition in, is in a position of leadership there. His fear of horses can also be something you talk over with the ranch now that they've got clear blocks of time, see if he can audit a course, instead of participating. That may even be something they might want to structure, or allow to happen freely (come watch for as long you like, to decide if you want to participate. Most people will probably just watch a class or three, then sign up. But people who need to ease in slow can just watch for a whole course).