Im sorry I do not know this story, but get the drift of what you are saying. It feels like no matter "what we do",, we are defined by our diagnosis. Like you Meadowsweet, I did not do anything to cause myself to suffer ptsd, and the depression and anxiety that goes along with it. I have been a very caring person.
My story is a bit different. While I was raised in an alcoholic home (mother and 4 sisters) with a depressed mother and there was a lot of chaos and trauma, I never thought It caused ptsd. I married at 17 and he abused me. After 6 yrs and during seperation, he stalked me (back in the early 80's). I was told that I had symptoms of ptsd then. I ended up abusing alcohol for a year or two, half bottle of wine to sleep every night. I was later diagnosed with ptsd and fibromyalgia. I set myself up for a safe and secure environment as I remarried and had 2 small children. I became very positive and healthy.Good fitness, healthy diet, socialization, pta mom, etc. I loved my life. For the next 10 or more years-life was great, except for one thing, my husband was passive aggressive, but I am a very adaptable person so it worked. He withheld sex, or had no desire, he sabotaged my parenting some, but I just worked harder. After his many refusals for counseling. I checked out emotionally and we seperated. I was in grad school at the time with 2 teen daughters. I had confidence, good self esteem, was inspired and motivated and creative. I had a great job helping battered women.
During seperation, the oldest daughter was very mean, cruel to me, rebellious. I admit I was a bit over protective. Just before her graduation, I had a bad fall where the back of my head bounced off a concrete floor to unconsciousness. I broke a rib and had a partial pneunothorax. I came to with management of the store and paramedics over me and very confused. It was 2 yrs before I learned that I suffered an axonal injury with frontal lobe damage. But I think this was the beginning of ptsd-or according to therapist, might have triggered. It was the realization that my life could be over in a new york second. One would think that this would make me precacious, but it was opposite-I became more of a risk taker. During those 2 yrs my personality changed. I got frustrated and was impulsive, and too sympathetic to others that did not deserve it. I also realize looking back that I was often a smart ass to some people.
Then I dated a guy that I really liked. He made me feel so safe, and he was there during my daughters abusive spells, which helped me to not feel so crazy. One day we had a fight and I asked him for us to take a break. He gathered his things but then wanted to go back into my bedroom. I would not allow so he called the police. Since I worked in this field, I knew the law. This was my house, his stuff was by the back door, he does not use this address or pay any bills here, so they would tell him to hit the road and if I had something of his, take it up with magistrate. I offered to go get what he forgot but he would not say what it was. I told the officer to go get it. I told the officer that I would not interfere if he gave him permission but would hold him responsible if other items were missing. The officer knew me from working with victims, but possibly confused, insisted he arrested me somewhere. He was mean to me and made me sit on the floor and would not allow me to dress as my pj's were not covering me. Long and short, he used excessive force in an arrest that he called "obstruction". It clearly was a false arrest according to 15 attorneys. But none want to sue a cop (locally).
This set full blown ptsd in motion. I was a real mess. I was at the bottom. I would awake on the floor or in the bathroom with pills spilled. I finally overdosed from anxiety , pain, and muscle relaxers given me for injuries sustained by police. Since then, 6 yrs ago, each time I get a bit better physically and emotionally, there is a set back, some which is police harrassment. What I am guilty of is picking lousy men-I suppose from my upbringing. The last man I dated for only 4 months knew my fear of police. I would not call if I was being murdered. Maybe because I would welcome murder, but not further trauma. The last guy was a drunk and mooch, and I finally kicked him out and told him not to come back. This was after 2 months of emotional abuse. My impulses did kick in. Afterwards I texted him messages, some mean words, but other things I seem to need for closure and pointing out how he is hurting himself. He began frequenting the only place I go with friends, or sending his friends to harrass me. I have annonymous threatening calls. He threatened that he gave me HIV and Hep C which is what really put me over the edge. I admit some bad behavior. I dont know whether the police, prosecutors, magistrates think I am crazy, a liar, or so smart that I am trying to outsmart them. This guy has entered my house 3 times and I told him to stop in texts. In my state, all you have to do is ask someone not to contact you and if they do, they can charge you with stalking. After he sent that message, I asked him to call his buddies off of me and just make a truce. He filed stalking charges.
I live in a small town. I have a license to practice counseling independently. Word spreads quickly and inaccurately too. Its like being shunned. People in general are not kind here, they are not compassionate. They know I have a head injury and ptsd which is quite a combination. From this, I have many other major problems, torn rotator cuff, return of fibromyalgia and cfids, documented sleep disorder. I have worked very hard to become more responsible and less impulsive and not a smart ass. I think people do treat the symptoms of ptsd as a plague. My T insists that I can turn my life around, and I charge myself up to do so. Then the left shoe always seems to drop. My response may not be "normal". When I told the magistrate that the bf had entered my house and done these other things, he asked why I didnt call the police then. Hell no, if I dont answer quick enough and the cop is impatient, they beat you up. People with ptsd can be some of the most compassionate and caring people, yet we can be treated like we are defective, therefor defining ourselves as nothing but ptsd.
Sorry for the length, but my point is that if police, magistrates, and prosecutors do not understand the disorder (never went anywhere this guy went or near his home-have not seen him once since I ended relationship), how can we expect the ordinary people to understand it and not be in fear of it. These charges are retaliation for my ending the relationship, one that he thought he could keep abusing me in because of my sharing my tolerence, fears, ptsd from the false arrest in 2008.
So I also agree that ptsd it not a free ticket to commit crimes and use as defense to get off, and I commend you for taking responsiblity NovemberStar. I am willing to take responsibility for any actions I committed, and I admit that I was revengeful in ways. I dont think that we should be used as a target from the public or government. Im sure government is not the same everywhere as it is here. I have spent $60 in printer ink to print off messages, false facebook invites, letters left in my home when his friend harrassed me and two of my friends in a public establishment, destruction of property. With my brain injury, it takes me 10 times as long to organize documents. I am the one being stalked and if I can get this all together-I can prove it. In the meantime, the police reports make vague statements without dates. I am trying to get all phone bills in order for proof, but the charge was filed may 10 and they wont tell my attorney what I did until July 23rd.
We are stigmatized so harshly. Is it any surprise that so many people who post share that they have suicide ideation. We can only do our best to be the best we can, practice positive thinking, meditate, see a therapist, medicate if necessary, try to live as normal life as possible. Try to ignore the ignorance in our society and see the good in ourselves and accept our shortcomings. I just dont want this police harrassment to get me back to the point of suicide, and it has been on my mind ever since
