Personal Self Image

[wife of]

I get the whole self esteem thing,I was like that a lot when the kids were little,I was constantly knackered,looked exhausted all the time,lived in training gear,cause itseasyier to throw on and off when you get puked on etc,never had time to make myself feel or look good,hubby was away for months at a time,was away from my friends and family,nothing like the brighteyed,cheeky vivacious girl he fell in love with,Couldnt think for myself most days and felt extremely worthless,yet everytime Joe came home he would treat me like a princess and was blind to the mess I was in,he used to hold my chin,look into my eyes as if he was speaking directly to my soul and tell me,"all this doesn't matter,its just a part of life ,and I love you" Now I do the same for him on a daily basis.They say with neglected kids/abused women that if they are told they are worthless enough then it becomes reality I'm hoping that me daily affirming his worth on the planet will help til he is strong enough to do it for himself...

 

[princessx]

I think that all you can do is keep repeating that you love him and that he IS worthy of your love.

This sort of reinforcement is ancient. The Romans would hold Triumphs when a general would win a major campaign. During the parade, the general would be treated like a god and would be driven through Rome on a golden chariot, in purple and cloth-of-gold toga, red boots and his face painted red. A slave would stand behind him holding a golden wreath constantly reminding the general of their mortality by whispering into his ear, Respice te, hominem te memento "Look behind you, remember you are only a man" and Memento mori "Remember (that you are) mortal."

Absolutely amazing advice.

 

[Steph_F]

Red,
I don't take compliments well and don't beleive I am worth anything in what I do, this is crazy as my job has me making life changing decisions everyday, I always beleive people say nice things to my face and think I'm an idiot deep down inside. It's almost like my mind says to me I don't deserve to be proud after what I did

Sorry just rambling.

How do you do with gratitude? Because I am very very grateful for your words lately.

The art of forgiveness is a very hard study, I bet you can forgive others 100x easier than you can forgive yourself, but you can still do it. Its possible, but very very difficult. I don't want to go into this too much as I don't know that much about you or your feelings of guilt and I don't want to upset you, but when and if you ever feel like sharing, we are listening and caring.

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Red,
I don't take compliments well and don't beleive I am worth anything in what I do, this is crazy as my job has me making life changing decisions everyday, I always beleive people say nice things to my face and think I'm an idiot deep down inside. It's almost like my mind says to me I don't deserve to be proud after what I did

Sorry just rambling.

Sounds like my Veteran. I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Red

 

[nomedic1]

Steph I have a weird outlook dont do gratitude either lol, I'm repaying a debt and till my really stupid brain tells me that debt is paid I carry on. Problem is I think I have pushed that debt up over the years. Probably just me

 

[Ned]

Hey,

a weird one, has anyone found that their self imaige is off.......... I just found myself sticking my fingers down my throat because I ate a donair........ however, Im catching flack from everyone for loosing too much weight, but when I look at older pictures of myself I freak......... whats wrong????

You're being hard on yourself. Normal. I think most of us, after too long indoors/sat at work/trying to copy what everyone else does end up looking at ourselves and saying 'f##ing sort it'.
Being lazy, I've just gone back to having a programme and if I don't want to go out it's the Concept Rower (buying that was one of the few sound decisions I made when I got out), if I do go out it's the walk to work or the hill..

Jimmy is on the mark, choose exercise over denial, you will feel (and sleep) better.

Jimmy I just f###ing love the Wi & treadmill!

Red, Sue. Fargo is absolutely right, just keep telling him he is that good man you love. That old school reinforcement does work. Here's a thought, you know those really irritating cosmetic adverts? 'Because I'm/you're worth it'? Those cynical bastards in the advertising world wouldn't use it if it didn't work.
You don't have to be like them, just keep telling him the truth....
My lass does keep telling me and sometimes I'm even grateful. Can't guarantee what hit ratio you'll achieve but you WILL get some hits!

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Thanks Ned (and Fargo, Jimmy, nomedic1, and all Veterans). I'll never give up on him but it feels like he has given up on me and us. Hurts but he keeps putting off moving his things out, so I'm taking that as a good sign. The things he has left are the things that mean the most to him and I hope that means that he trusts me to take care of them and that he isn't running as hard as he says he is. I fully expect he'll take them and I have gear up to come home to an empty house every night but so far so good. Once they're gone, I'll cry for awhile and mope around but I'll keep praying for him and hoping that he is safe and well. I wish he'd let me "in" or at least not push me away but I understand (as much as anyone else can) where he is in his head right now (thanks to you guys) and will just have to wait it out. Maybe one day, he'll want to talk to me and we can see what happens. I'll be here because he's the one for me.

If anything, I think my constant reassurances or compliments didn't help and possibly hurt. Wish I had a do-over. Don't know how you DON'T say reassuring things....might have to work on that. Maybe it is a girl thing...this constand need to nurture and help and fix and do and uplift and reassure. Maybe not.

Thanks to everyone in this thread. It seems a pervasive and contant PTSD issue so the input is helpful.

Red

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Ididn't lose mine! I never had it to begin with. I was born an ugly kid, grew up ugly. The good thing is I didn't miss anything!

Just a joke, guys!

Sarg

Sarg, You crack me up and you sure are cute to us! Keep making me smile, I need it right now!!!

Red