Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Long story but the marriage counselor fired us last night. The techniques recommended to us weren't implemented properly so they didn't accomplish what they were intended to accomplish. Very frustrating all the way around.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm hoping that she changes her mind but then again how safely can we address anything with someone that's missed a session and fired us.

 

[somerandomguy]

Uhhh ... how long have you been going to that counselor? Only a couple of sessions, right? Sounds like you dodged a bullet - I don't think a counselor who would drop a client for not doing their homework after only a couple of sessions is a good counselor.

All the good couples counselors I've been to have been interested in why we didn't do the homework if we didn't do the homework.

Sorry you got a crappy one. Are you going to try again?

 

[HealingMama]

Uhhh ... how long have you been going to that counselor? Only a couple of sessions, right? Sounds like you dodged a bullet - I don't think a counselor who would drop a client for not doing their homework after only a couple of sessions is a good counselor.

All the good couples counselors I've been to have been interested in why we didn't do the homework if we didn't do the homework.

Sorry you got a crappy one. Are you going to try again?

Thanks. Yeah, I mean, we need it. We were doing online and she said we need in person but that's really not manageable for us at this point in time.

It's not entirely clear why she's dropping us. Some of her likely reasons I can understand. The way we are getting therapy she's probably not getting paid appropriately for how complex our situation is. (The internet platform takes a cut.) That may be a big reason she is ditching us. Which I can understand but she's supposed to find some alternative people for us to try not just recuse herself. I confronted her about that. We will see if she delivers some names.

My husband actually cried when I told him she fired us. It was very sad.

We both realized last night that our dynamic overall is much healthier than it used to be, but everything goes out the window when we get triggered. Which was nice to hear him say, recognizing that we are better overall, because he usually talks like I'm not different and haven't busted my ass to take responsibility for my acting out and made an effort to show up better.

I made some bad choices last night so part of getting fired is my fault. But in the bigger picture my actions are a side effect of how we both respond to each other so I'm not going to beat myself up. My husband spent years acting like all of this is me and that's bullshit but I can continue to work on the elements that I recognize are my own stuff.

We are visiting family this weekend including my abusive mother. She tries to play nice so she maintains access to her grandchild. She called me by the name of her most recent dog a few minutes ago.

My husband was laughing about it privately and I said well, it's apropos of how she's treated me at times. It's gonna be a great week to challenge the energy work that I did on my retreat. If all else fails I've got my prn anxiety med with me.

 

[HealingMama]

Visit with family was overall tolerable. I did take my prn but mostly because I was going to be in a long string of social situations which makes me irritable and the prn helps me.not care that I'm doing irritating things.

In other news I am getting a promotion and we are getting ready to move out of state. I have been told that I will be able to telework in this role but the specifics aren't clear which makes me nervous. I'll probably have a pretty long commute until the telework kicks in.

The upside of high levels of anxiety is it makes you conscientious and a hard worker due to perfectionism. This move will bring my son closer to his extended family and I'm happy about that but not looking forward to starting over with medical, school, and social stuff.

 

[HealingMama]

Just had a pretty severe anxiety attack. But I didn't act it out. I contained it. I didn't ask for reassurance because that perpetuates the faulty thinking. Instead, I asked for warmth. I didn't get angry or let my protector part out. I just asked questions, sat with the waves of discomfort, and at one point left the room because I couldn't hide my intense anxiety anymore and was crying.

Part of me is still seriously freaked out but I am managing it much better. I guess the new med I'm on is helping me.

My mind also fed me something like a flashback of my dad dying so that was fun.

 

[HealingMama]

I'm tired. After several weeks of connected and comfortable interactions, my spouse was unable to hear my frustration with him, engaged in defensiveness and stonewalling, and now we are talking about living separately when we relocate. Maybe to each work on ourselves, but I have to say if I can get past the grieving of lost potential, I think it would be better for us both to just be done. I need things that are hard for him to do. I have hurt him from not getting those things. I cannot accept a relationship with Stonewalling like this.

He's a great guy and well-liked by almost everyone, but then again they don't have to rely on him outside of structured situations. I've no doubt if we do separate he will fairly quickly charm someone else into keeping him together. He says that I've been so awful that he will avoid any kind of relationship for a long time, but I think he will quickly forget, and will want or need the support, and his mother is only willing to do so much, so I suspect he will find someone out of necessity.

And you know, that's good, if it's someone that can better accept where he is at in his life and thinking and priorities. He should be happy. He should be with someone that respects who he is, not someone that needs him to change to be able to fully respect him, or who keeps trying to get things that he cannot really give. I can't really tell if what I need as far as conflict and communication stuff is a can't or a won't for him, but it's not happening regardless. Things are good as long as I don't have complaints is not a fully successful partnership. You have to have open communication and he's so prickly. I am tired.

I don't know how to process this emotionally. Last night I did tons of junk food emotional eating (literally an entire medium takeout pizza), and got a donut for breakfast today. Last night I was trying to just relax before bed and randomly had this giant wave of sobbing.

He locked himself out of his car while we were still at odds. I thought really hard about whether I was going to bail him out. I didn't want to. But I did. He said he appreciated me, but that's bullshit. He appreciates the ways that I help him function. He doesn't actually appreciate me, or he wouldn't be so contemptuous when I'm trying to get emotional needs met that require him to do some introspection. He would try to do what I need when I am plainly explaining it, or when I send ten screenshots from experts saying invalidating your partner's feelings will screw up your marriage, he would swallow his pride and say he's sorry and try not to ever do that to me again. He didn't say or do that. So I have no Goodwill left.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[HealingMama]

I should add, that I am sure this is all hitting on my previous traumatic loss, but I don't feel like I can open up to any of that emotionally until it's all over. I have to function at work, and for moving prep, and for a separation plan where I'm the primary parent.

 

[HealingMama]

And now I'm eating Cheetos because of course I am.

 

[HealingMama]

Blah blah blah maybe my marriage is over, maybe it isn't. Maybe we are separating, oops, I chickened out. Maybe this is all the consequences of my attachment issues and poorly controlled rages earlier in the relationship coming from interpersonal trauma.

Anyway, same sh-t, different day, trying not to forget to come here altogether.

 

[somerandomguy]

It sounds like it's really, really difficult.

 

[HealingMama]

It sounds like it's really, really difficult.

It is, and I feel like such a broken record. That is part of why I've not been coming here. I've exhausted all social outlets of emotional support with my up and down stuff where I won't follow through on anything and stick with it.

I've been feeling sad, resentful. There were two big fights that start innocently then he gets into a defensive/Stonewalling space. So invalidating. Invalidation is such a trigger for me (yeah I sound BPD saying that but whatever).

The assumption that he gets to decide what is or isn't worthy of discussion, what or isn't a valid concern, is just the most horribly self absorbed thing.

And it is so common in hetero relationships according to what I've seen in my various support spaces.

65% of hetero husband's fail to accept the wife's influence which increases the risk of divorce by 81%.

Add in "your wife was raised by a narcissist, and has not had most of her validation needs met" and it's difficult to tolerate it at all.

Add in the division of labor issues, the making excuses, the slow process of change, and the refusal to even attempt a reasonable discussion of he can tell I'm angry... Yeah. It's very difficult.

But I'm the reason he runs if I seem angry. There was a time that I was absolutely awful to him. I did go throufh a period of punishing him for loving me because my shame was so overpowering.

And now that my issues are more manageable, I'm ready to bail because he is taking so long.

Maybe that's not fair of me. That is definitely not what love is. I struggle because the ADHD causes a perpetual overdrawing on the relationship account. I am always being forgotten, I'm tasks are not done, i cannot even handle delegating important things because the track record is so bad, and he's depressed right now and it's just ugh, can't you work on some of this stuff? And he is, but it's so slow. I guess I am not built for marriage.

There is another piece to all of this that I've never discussed here, and won't, but suffice it to say it is another way that hus issues strain and drain the relationship.