Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Took inspiration from Sideways and started feeding my spiritual side. I prayed for deliverance, rearranged the bedroom, burned some incense, went to church, been listening to spiritual music and living more intentionally. Been practicing affirmative prayer.

I feel so much better if I almost want to cancel therapy this week. But there's still pieces of me that need healing.

 

[HealingMama]

Hypnotherapy today.
Husband's shame issues are stirred up and he's being a jerk. He hears things I'm not saying and lashes out. He yelled a lot again yesterday, mocked me at one point. He has hung up on me like ten times today. I'm so tired. There's no space for my emotions if they are about his actions and if they are negative. I complained about how his ADHD approach to task management creates a lot of chaos and eats into quality time for the family because he tends to procrastinate and everything has exploded. I find myself trying to take care of his feelings rather than him giving empathy for mine.

And not only that but I called him right before he was going to be in an environment where he feels judged. I called him to point out that he has misinterpreted the situation, so that he wouldn't suffer so much from his shame reaction, and he accused me of trying to make more problems for him. He doesn't believe I possibly have good intentions.

And because I've had mental health issues that he's helped me through, he's also angry that he could say he's done and I respond by saying ok then move out rather than trying to sit beside him while he deals with feeling broken.

Dude, you say you're done to someone with problems attaching to people, what do you expect. If you don't mean you are done with the relationship then you need to be more clear.

Especially when my efforts to help you are interpreted as me trying to add to your pain.

I'm so tired of small things becoming big things that drag on and on. He has been very disrespectful.

I used to want to move toward him during arguments when it was clear it wouldn't be finished by the end of the day, to get some comfort and closeness. Last night I didn't even want to. I'm so over this.

If you marry someone with ADHD be sure they have done their personal work so they don't point their shame issues at you and convert it all into rage at your expense.

Luckily my spiritual hygiene has helped me move through this conflict without fear. I did have anger because my partner's reactivity ruined our only night together all week. I did not lose myself. Because I did not have fear my protector stayed away. I am proud of myself for working so hard at staying centered even though I don't really have much support in that.

 

[HealingMama]

It is safe to choose to live my best life.

That is the affirmation that came from my first hypnotherapy session.

That shit was really hard.

That affirmation is a really good one.

 

[HealingMama]

I want to talk about attachment. My trauma issues have made me have a hard time trusting my partner. In the past I lashed out in shame and fear. I tested him. Every small betrayal was felt so deeply and at times I berated him for hurting me so much. I don't handle disappointments well.

Basically now the tables have turned. I'm more stable and my partner is lashing out a lot, disrespecting me, hanging up on me and mocking me and he says, effectively, after all I've done for you, you're not willing to be patient while I work on my side of things?

I'm not sure he wants to work on himself so much as punish me for what I have put him through. It doesn't really appear that he is trying to grow.

He says he has to control himself around me at all times and can't be human with normal human emotions and needs.

Yelling at someone is not just being human.

He wants me to see him collapse and withdraw and go stand beside him and help him through it like he did for me.

But he gets so angry then runs away. He doesn't own his emotions. Doesn't say hey I'm feeling vulnerable and defensive right now or I'm feeling shame. He just acts it out. Leaves physically and emotionally.

I just don't know how much of this is his poor self regulation and poor coping skills and how much is basically that I've ruined him as a person with all my neediness.

All I can do is work on myself. I don't have the capacity to be there for him when I am triggered especially when he is doing it and he talks about it like that isn't reasonabls.

He complained that he told me he was done and I said ok then move out but you cannot expect to say that to someone that struggles with attachment and have them say no, please stay. It's hard enough to stay. It's hard enough to keep opening up my bleeding heart so you can hurt it again the moment I have any negative feedback.

I mean you aren't acting like someone that wants to stay so why would I try to make you. I have spent our entire relationship chasing you and I'm tired.

He told me he's not sure I ever loved him and I just wanted to soak up his love and validation.

Actually, my life is easier without love in it. I know I won't have to cope with my hopes and dreams being smashed to pieces if I don't have it in the first place. Love is hard and messy and frustrating. I think I might be better off without it. If this is love anyway. Love isn't supposed to hurt like this.

Possible limiting beliefs at play:

I'm defective.
I don't deserve to be happy.
Everyone I love leaves.
It's not safe to be happy.
Bonding means pain.
I have to be in control.
Love is pain.
Everyone will let me down.
Nobody is really there for me.
If I don't have all the information something bad will happen.
I have to put up with bad treatment because no one else would want me.

 

[HealingMama]

I got yelled at again.

At least he's managed to keep it away from the kid.

I made a decision to try to rebuild a positive space. He had really done nothing at all to help me do so, I was making the sole effort. And it was working sort of. He is depressed so he was minimally present but I was determined to let him be his own person with his own moods and not be affected.

Then he is saying something to me quietly as the toddler is talking loudly and I said I couldn't hear him. He says never mind and leaves the room for his bedroom.

I found myself in a body flashback of fear and stress because that is exactly what he does in a fight. He leaves.

So I sent him a text explaining that this was very triggering and I know he doesn't like trying to fix things once his actions have triggered me so I would no longer be able to hang out that night. He was initially apologetic but then got angry with me.

Today he is saying I picked a fight because he wanted to charge his phone.

:(

No, I told you plainly I was having emotions and rather than acting them out I put them into words.

I have a feeling relationships aren't supposed to be this troublesome.

Of course I am not without fault. He has had a reduced work schedule this week. I had 3 paid jobs to manage yesterday. And it didn't occur to him with all my responsibilities and his minimal ones that he should be the one to handle the dirty dishes. I asked for the second time if he was going to do them and explained why it seemed more appropriately his task. He said all I have to do is ask does he mind doing the dishes. Um, no. I'm not pandering to you like you're king of the castle doing me a favor when I'm busting my ass to work three jobs and you're sitting at home all day. No sir.

I do not feel like I am splitting. He does have good qualities. I don't hate him. But he is not being a good partner. He's only a good partner when I'm a sick puppy he can pity. That's not love.

Maybe it is my fault this relationship is trash.

He tries to help when we aren't fighting. He is a hands-on dad and has tried to be more proactive about chores. As scary as it is when he yells I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hit me. He's never tried to have sex against my will.

But I can't talk to him. There's no room to solve problems. We do get in terrible places where we are stuck and can't get past an argument but again, that takes two. He just waits for me to push the positive again. He runs and hides or yells if I have decided there is a problem that we need to solve.

A friend is supposed to be a friend even in the hard times.

I am still much less dysregulated and reactive than I have been. I am doing some ayurveda. I am doing nasal cleansing, dry brushing and singing mantra regularly to help me not get too embedded in these toxic places.

 

[HealingMama]

Affirmations for the day

It is safe to choose to live my best life.
It is good to seek the positive.
I don't have to have all the answers.
I deserve to feel safe.
I deserve to be happy.
I choose to love myself regardless of what others are choosing.
I don't have to tolerate abuse.
I can protect myself.
I turn to God and accept God's wisdom and guidance for the places I have confusion about.

 

[HealingMama]

So in my hypnotherapy session one of my regressions went to a time when I was very young and cut my own hair and it made both my parents very upset. My dad kept making me apologize to my mom and every time I went to her she got upset all over again.

Others hear this story and scratch their heads because it is just hair right? Hair grows back.

But I was in beauty pageants and cutting my hair off meant my mother couldn't show me off like her little doll.

In the regression I was supposed to speak as my five year old self to my mother and I really kind of couldn't do it. I have no idea what my little girl self would want to say to her or needed. There is a huge disconnect there. I have not really connected with my child. She is lost.

Even at that age I had to live for my mother's needs and emotions not my own.

Writing that out it's like what a stupid thing to have so much fear about. There was no obvious abuse happening. I expected to uncover a repressed memory of sexual abuse or something for the level of difficulty I have had. Not me cutting my damn hair.

I feel like a fraud or like I've just hyped up my experiences and have no business being on a trauma board.

Maybe I just still don't feel safe to be fully aware. I mean even that memory, I don't directly remember. It's just a story I've heard told over and over. But in the regression my mind did not feed me any memories before age 8 so what was I supposed to do?

 

[somerandomguy]

I feel like a fraud or like I've just hyped up my experiences and have no business being on a trauma board.

Yes ... all of us have felt exactly like this before. And it's turned out that, in fact, all of us really DO belong here.

This is minimizing your trauma and is your brain's attempt to regain control. We've all done it. A lot of us still do it.

The fact that you don't have any memories before age 8 ... well, a lack of memories usually is your brain's way of trying to keep you safe. For example, until EMDR, I had no memories of most of the events that caused my PTSD.

All this to say that you are normal for a traumatized person. You belong here.

 

[HealingMama]

Yes ... all of us have felt exactly like this before. And it's turned out that, in fact, all of us really DO belong here.

This is minimizing your trauma and is your brain's attempt to regain control. We've all done it. A lot of us still do it.

The fact that you don't have any memories before age 8 ... well, a lack of memories usually is your brain's way of trying to keep you safe. For example, until EMDR, I had no memories of most of the events that caused my PTSD.

All this to say that you are normal for a traumatized person. You belong here.

Thank you for helping me feel like I probably did come by my issues honestly. I assume whatever is there will come out eventually when I'm truly ready.

 

[HealingMama]

Oh yeah small victory!

Last night after he yelled at me... It was a lot of yelling and really loud and scary even though he was on the other side of the door...

I was trying to self soothe in my room, and really wanted to take some Xanax but it was downstairs. With him.

Victory is that I managed to calm myself down enough to sleep without the Xanax. ?

Here is the mantra I am working with:

Spoiler: Asato Ma

asato ma sadgamaya
tamaso ma jyotirgamaya
mrtyorma amrtam gamaya
om shanti shanti shanti.

Lead me from the asat (unreality, lie) to the sat (reality, truth)
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me from death to immortality
Om Peace Peace Peace.

(Brhadaranyaka Upanishad — I.iii.28)

 

[HealingMama]

Some proof that I have legit trauma.

I am a workaholic which is a method of avoidance.
Struggle with hypervigilence
Hyperarousal and irritability
Not normal to have no memory of childhood
Not being able to unravel from an unhealthy relationship is not normal
Body memories when talking to my mother
Attachment problems/being content to have no close relationships

 

[HealingMama]

Used to write a lot of poetry and feeling inspired.

I am awake to the shadow of you, dark side
Of the moon pulling this tide out to drown
Me in an ocean of blue.

It slides over me like a cruel sheet.
I meet my broken heart there.
Sunken treasure, bungled pleasure,
I stumble trying to measure this for you.

Where should we start?
Let's target the shark bite of dying.
You didn't mind lying.
I bought it hook, line and sinker.
Now I'm sinking, drowning, and you can barely look.

You don't care what you took.