Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

Sex fixes a lot of problems. That's all.

 

[somerandomguy]

Have you seen this Gottman article? I couldn't believe it when I read it because it sounded so much like me. Not sure if you'll relate to anything in it but it might be worth a look.

 

[HealingMama]

Thanks @somerandomguy I really like how they talk about being on a path of connection vs a path of protection.

I am often pushing for connection then when I get enough of it a switch flips. I want it, but it's also scary.

 

[HealingMama]

I want to memorialize the fact that I've not had any Identity issues this week. I've been grounded. Even with ups and downs in my marriage generating stress I've been able to feel pretty stable.

I cancelled today's therapy session and blamed it on last minute childcare issues which isn't inaccurate but I was prepared to bring kid with a phone into session if it was that or pay a cancellation fee. I wasn't going to get into anything heavy today so don't worry, dear reader, about the idea that I would have brought kid into the session.

I did reschedule though. It's important to not just ghost. As a T myself I know there's healing to be found in directly addressing unmet needs and concerns.

I didn't realize how much of the relational issues were influenced by disconnection and lack of sex. He didn't even realize that I had stopped initiating sex until I asked last night if that seems to sync up with his perception of increased arguments.

Before he decided to jump my bones, I had to take a Xanax because there was a very high level of distress. I was highly aware of a dead space in my heart where my loving feelings were supposed to be.

Which means I feel great today. Xanax doesn't make me drowsy. It makes me feel like I can actually handle my life. The rest of the time I'm a bit like a pin cushion where small things are pins poking me and it leaves me frazzled. Too bad sustained depression/anxiety meds don't work well for me. I could probably use them if I tolerated them better.

So, yay Xanax and sex and being able to avoid my trauma work I guess. No, that's not fair to me. I have been doing my work, but I need to find more stability in the present and that's an appropriate goal. That IS the trauma work. That's addressing dysregulation, hypervigilence and the past becoming present through triggers.

 

[HealingMama]

We are getting along better. Last night we reviewed some diy counseling options and started the free trial for one of them.

I am an empath, so I'm sensitive to energy and unfortunately even more so with my husband because we are so close. He's been playing this game on his phone and it is making me sick. I was feeling better after lunch then he left the room and I started feeling sick again.

It's hard to show up for my family when I am knocked over by the energy of other people's choices.

We have some unexpected negative financial news. Not exactly my husband's fault but definitely his responsibility. I am stressing over getting bills paid and having enough for retirement. I don't make enough to cover both of us.

He has been able to have a conversation about forgotten chores and other things without it becoming a fight.

Now if only I could be around him no matter what he chooses to do without feeling like crap. He works tomorrow so I'll get the house cleared a bit then.

 

[HealingMama]

You aren't supposed to administer EMDR on yourself for lots of reasons.

But I just did exactly that.

My history makes it hard to feel safe around anyone so in a way it probably worked better to do it myself than to try to accept help when I don't trust anyone.

 

[HealingMama]

Exploring the theme of perfectionism. I have incredibly high standards for myself and also for others. It is hard to accept my partner's humanity. It is hard to accept my own. I am full of anxiety because I am trying to make sure everything is perfect.

Limiting beliefs:

Everything must be perfect.
If I relax something bad will happen.
I must be in control.
Out of control means death
Safety is more important than love. :(

 

[somerandomguy]

I don't know if you're aware but almost all PTSD sufferers have issues with perfectionism, so you're not alone. It's really good that you're exploring those perfectionist beliefs. I did some EMDR around that, and it was helpful, but I'm going to do more in the future.

That said, and I know you know this, do not do EMDR on yourself. Trust is an important part of the process and is worth working on, if you can.

 

[HealingMama]

I don't know if you're aware but almost all PTSD sufferers have issues with perfectionism, so you're not alone. It's really good that you're exploring those perfectionist beliefs. I did some EMDR around that, and it was helpful, but I'm going to do more in the future.

That said, and I know you know this, do not do EMDR on yourself. Trust is an important part of the process and is worth working on, if you can.

Yes I know. I only used it for issues that are long standing that I've done EMDR for already and I used slower processing.

I am a bad patient.

I weaned myself off all my psych meds once upon a time also.

Those control fears run really really deep. That is actually something I know I can't tackle by myself.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Exploring the theme of perfectionism. I have incredibly high standards for myself and also for others. It is hard to accept my partner's humanity. It is hard to accept my own. I am full of anxiety because I am trying to make sure everything is perfect.

Limiting beliefs:

Everything must be perfect.
If I relax something bad will happen.
I must be in control.
Out of control means death
Safety is more important than love. :(

@HealingMama I'm really impressed with your ability to identify your cognitive distortions. I really have a hard time with this.....you are really self aware....

 

[HealingMama]

Thank you for the kind words @TruthSeeker ?

Proud of myself. I approached an unmet need in a healthy way and my husband raised his voice and started cussing at me. I left it alone to focus on my self care. He texted if I was ok and I said yes, I'm avoiding you because you keep cussing at me. I told him if he doesn't have respectful things to say to leave me alone.

And I'm sticking to it. I can have self respect even if he doesn't think I'm worth respectful treatment.

He has since apologized but the boy kind of killed it for me today with that mess.

I deserve to be treated with respect.
I can take good care of myself even if others reflect misery.
My world doesn't need to revolve around my marriage.

 

[Deanna]

My world doesn't need to revolve around my marriage.

This is really good to hear coming from you! And so healthy! Like anything, it takes practice. Damn, i almost fell on the floor when you said that! :laugh: