Piecing things together

[siniang]

Coparents, roommates, activity partners basically the stuff that most men find easy

I think you are overestimating the numbers of men that find these activities easy.

More so, I think you're overestimating the number of people that find these activities easy.

And that is for neurotypicals. Now add in legit medical disorders for both of you.

I agree with @somerandomguy and I'm sorry you're hurting so much @HealingMama, but you should give yourself (and probably your husband) more credit, regardless of what the outcome will be. And also agree that you both should see therapists -- separately.

 

[HealingMama]

I forget, are either of you seeing a therapist? If you're not seeing a therapist, you really should be if only to assist you in your professional capacity.

I am, yes, spinning my wheels there just like I do here sadly.

He was, at my insistence, then she went in vacation and he didn't reschedule until I made him earlier this week. It's the fact that I have to make him do it that's so hard. I never can fully tell what of that is the ADHD and what is just no intrinsic motivation to do his work (and even that could be an ADHD issue I guess?).

 

[HealingMama]

More so, I think you're overestimating the number of people that find these activities easy.

And that is for neurotypicals. Now add in legit medical disorders for both of you.

I agree with @somerandomguy and I'm sorry you're hurting so much @HealingMama, but you should give yourself (and probably your husband) more credit, regardless of what the outcome will be. And also agree that you both should see therapists -- separately.

Thanks. Yeah, in thinking about it, I guess he isn't always the best roommate. Our approaches to cleaning and tidying are not the same, ha. But he does try to be considerate when he's paying attention and he does what I ask for the most part.

I just really feel like such a shitty wife. I have been so hard on him and on us. My perfectionism has done so much damage. I haven't been very understanding about his issues and overall he has been so much more understanding of mine. I feel like such a jerk. I have held him to such high standards. He just wanted to love me, take care of me, and show up for me and make me happy and I couldn't even chill out long enough to let him do it his own way.

 

[HealingMama]

Someone on another website with ADHD told me they think my husband's comments about not being able to work on himself if we take a break are intended to make me feel guilty. If so, then it is working. I dont think he necessarily has ill intentions but perhaps I seeing himself as a victim and as broken to such an extent that he would rather flounder and force others to help him than help himself.

I can't fix that. I shouldn't try to fix that. What he does or doesn't do during a break is not my responsibility.

I do know he would move in with his parents and historically their beliefs about mental health treatment work opposite of the encouragement that I would hope he would have. But again, I am not sure I have the capacity to keep trying. If he didn't take nine damn months to start his own therapy I would see it differently but he has not prioritized working on himself and has blamed me for that pretty much the entire marriage.

 

[HealingMama]

Getting my hair cut at a training school. Brought the kid with me. We almost had to go because they don't allow kids. Luckily my kid is well behaved so they made an exception.

So, this is going to be my life. I'll have an almost permanent sidekick.

I am my stylist's very first live human client. I'm being so brave ???

 

[HealingMama]

Haircut turned out quite good for being her very first human client.

Did something unusual and touched base with my mom about moving and separating and my ambivalence. Didn't share many details because gray rock is important to maintain, but she had a good point.

Trying to relocate, and start a new job, and start my kid in a new daycare, and also suddenly have my kid's dad not living there is too much change to navigate at one time. I could manage it somehow, trauma makes me compartmentalize like a champ. But I shouldn't do that to our son.

I don't want to do that to my husband either im just really burned out with the anxious-avoidant dance on top of everything else.

So, this will be tomorrow's problem.

 

[siniang]

Just a thought.... because just from reading your posts and between the lines, I'm still not convinced you really want to separate, but you're also clearly struggling and hurting.

Any chance to get (outside) support with your day-to-day life stressors? Both you and your husband desperately need to catch a breath and without doing this, things won't likely improve, but life keeps pushing on, making it possible to even attempt catching a breath, with all the things that need to be organized and figured out etc. .... and this does seem one of the main stressors, between your husband just not being reliable with those things because of his ADHD and your attachment-trauma which takes this personal.

 

[HealingMama]

Just a thought.... because just from reading your posts and between the lines, I'm still not convinced you really want to separate, but you're also clearly struggling and hurting.

Any chance to get (outside) support with your day-to-day life stressors? Both you and your husband desperately need to catch a breath and without doing this, things won't likely improve, but life keeps pushing on, making it possible to even attempt catching a breath, with all the things that need to be organized and figured out etc. .... and this does seem one of the main stressors, between your husband just not being reliable with those things because of his ADHD and your attachment-trauma which takes this personal.

You mean like a family organizer or maid or something? Our relocation is going to increase our debt in the immediate future, so in the immediate short term, no. Eventually I will be working from home, so it will be easier for chores to be closer to my standards, and that will take some pressure off. Maybe one day he will learn some strategies to help him stick to a cleaning schedule of some kind, or we will work out a way for him to balance out the level of effort that I put into those areas. In the meantime we have company coming in about a week so he will want to clean for that, and then we will be moving which forces his brain to find the motivation. It's when there's nothing outside pressuring him that things get more difficult. I may look into ways to get a maid, but it's really the clutter driving me crazy and he won't pare down his things. Clutter is solved with better organization and I'm hoping to get him an ADHD coach or a professional organizer to just get myself out of the process altogether.

 

[siniang]

You mean like a family organizer or maid or something? Our relocation is going to increase our debt, so in the immediate short term, no.

Yep. Any help, really.

We recently started hiring someone to help with our yard work. This had been a major stressor for us and caused a lot of tension between hubby and me.

My T highly encouraged it. I was extremely worried because of our financial situation, so I emphasize your point, but T said she really things that if we at all could save the money at another point to put towards that help, it would be extremely well invested, just to reduce some of the stress and tension.

Eventually I will be working from home, so it will be easier for chores to be closer to my standards, and that will take some pressure off.

I don't really think it will help, longterm, because you will still feel like you have to shoulder everything and he's not helping/reliable.

 

[HealingMama]

Yep. Any help, really.

We recently started hiring someone to help with our yard work. This had been a major stressor for us and caused a lot of tension between hubby and me.

My T highly encouraged it. I was extremely worried because of our financial situation, so I emphasize your point, but T said she really things that if we at all could save the money at another point to put towards that help, it would be extremely well invested, just to reduce some of the stress and tension.



I don't really think it will help, longterm, because you will still feel like you have to shoulder everything and he's not helping/reliable.

Yes, I see what you mean. We will need to figure something out. I think a coach helping him figure out how to approach it will help but that's an "eventually" thing.

Honestly, those things do bother me, but I was ready to leave over the communication problems. Me wanting to be able to bring up a problem and have him respond with defensiveness, having him write me off rather than try to understand my feelings and perspective, that's what's been upsetting me enough to leave over. I can tolerate a mess if I have to, but having everything break because I've got negative feedback is just impossible. It short circuits the greater mutual understanding and intimacy that can be had on the other side of those conversations. I can hire a maid but I can't pay someone to treat me like an equal emotionally, and to treat my opinions with respect. That plus his withdrawal is the one two punch that activates all my attachment trauma to a level that I become the worst version of myself. Then I stand there calmly saying here is an example of what I said needs to change where you make an effort to show understanding... And he does absolutely nothing any different. THAT is what put me at the edge. I don't want a lifetime of that shit.

 

[HealingMama]

The disconnection and defensiveness upset me horribly but you are right that i regularly read the home management status as a reflection of how much I can trust him @siniang and often all of it mixes together in my head. If I fall will he catch me. In a true crisis he is there but I don't want my whole life to have to reach a crisis state for him to show up either.

A lot of it is the kind of coping skills he uses and that is definitely something that can change. But it requires him wanting it and being able to push past his own whatever to do it.

 

[siniang]

Me wanting to be able to bring up a problem and have him respond with defensiveness, having him write me off rather than try to understand my feelings and perspective

Just a question, but are you aware that rejection sensitivity is very very common in people with ADHD? Which...is really very similar to your own attachment trauma. Many people respond with defensiveness and attacks when they are overwhelmed with those kind of emotions, particularly when they're not even aware that this is a thing and they've never learned how to deal with it. (I myself become explode when feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and really hurt the people around me that I claim to love -- I feel awful afterwards)

Which is absolutely not meant to diminish your own pain and deserving of emotional stability. Just saying that this might be similarly not easy for him as it is for you.

In my own experience, I had my worst fights and struggles with people who are very very very similar to me in personality and emotional responses. It's kind of a feedback loop of same-same that amplifies everything.