Piecing things together

[Deanna]

. I can hire a maid but I can't pay someone to treat me like an equal emotionally, and to treat my opinions with respect. That plus his withdrawal is the one two punch that activates all my attachment trauma to a level that I become the worst version of myself.

Sorry. That's heavy. I think if you could trust a maid, long enough, to do what you do.. Maybe you both could get involved with things outside of your relationship. To me.. You have your relationship, the first thing that hits your face when you walk in the door. That is really boring to men ( when its ALL the time) So something different with your time gained, by a maid service and see if your relationship gets better, but I really think it will have to be found outside of yourselves. He sounds put-out with the relationship.

 

[HealingMama]

Just a question, but are you aware that rejection sensitivity is very very common in people with ADHD? Which...is really very similar to your own attachment trauma. Many people respond with defensiveness and attacks when they are overwhelmed with those kind of emotions, particularly when they're not even aware that this is a thing and they've never learned how to deal with it. (I myself become explode when feeling emotionally overwhelmed, and really hurt the people around me that I claim to love -- I feel awful afterwards)

Which is absolutely not meant to diminish your own pain and deserving of emotional stability. Just saying that this might be similarly not easy for him as it is for you.

In my own experience, I had my worst fights and struggles with people who are very very very similar to me in personality and emotional responses. It's kind of a feedback loop of same-same that amplifies everything.

I understand the rejection sensitivity issue. It is very hard to remember that or care about it when my limbic system is taking over.

If he feels awful about the way he behaves in these situations, he never lets on. He very rarely apologizes without prompting. He very rarely takes responsibility for any of it without prompting. I understand that there are some brain-based difficulties and i do forget that sometimes but generally understand it. But the way he navigates these difficulties with me (too much pride... Even if it is false pride, it is distancing and hurtful) is why I'm burned out.

But yes you are right we feed each other, and honestly he is more understanding of my issues than I am of his. I guess he is a better person than me.

 

[HealingMama]

Sorry. That's heavy. I think if you could trust a maid, long enough, to do what you do.. Maybe you both could get involved with things outside of your relationship. To me.. You have your relationship, the first thing that hits your face when you walk in the door. That is really boring to men ( when its ALL the time) So something different with your time gained, by a maid service and see if your relationship gets better, but I really think it will have to be found outside of yourselves. He sounds put-out with the relationship.

I should clarify that this is specifically the context of an argument. He struggles with perspective taking and defensively responds with disdain. Most of the time he tries to respect what I want.

But I agree... I need a life. His variable schedule and having a kid makes that harder than I'd like it to be. I would love him to be on a traditional schedule then we each have 1-2 days a week for a not-relationship thing as individuals. The relationship definitely needs outside energy.

We are both put-out but he is the one that keeps saying he loves me when we are in the middle of these multi day conflicts.

I have already made a friend in the area we are relocating to so hopefully I can do more with playdates and such. I am going to prioritize self-care and try to just get along as parents, roommates, companions. I want to try to get a bit more, eh, not sure the word. Casual, surface, idk. Stop trying to work out my attachment stuff and focus on civility and maybe the relationship can stabilize and I can then do more work on my trauma with someone who can properly put up with my parts and all their craziness.

 

[Sideways]

Stop trying to work out my attachment stuff and focus on civility and maybe the relationship can stabilize and I can then do more work on my trauma with someone who can properly put up with my parts and all their craziness.

This.

You make references to the occasionally dysfunctional way you communicate with him when you're triggered, when your limbic system has been set off (so yeah, ptsd emotional dysregulation? Is a b!tch!), and it sounds like occasionally you even hit fight/flight mode?

That's all stuff that you can definitely work on. And the thing is, as we get better at managing these ptsd symptoms, we can bring our baseline stress level down in the process.

That's very likely to improve things, the home environment, if not the quality of the communication going on. Straight ptsd treatment. Attachment stuff taking a bench seat for a while.

Even if it doesn't improve the relationship with your partner? It will inevitably improve your relationship with yourself, and reduce the amount of distress we carry around when we aren't getting professional support for our ptsd symptoms. And that's potentially going to make really positive internal changes for you that will definitely be worth it. You don't have to carry around the amount of distress that you're living with internally. You deserve to move on from that stuff, and prioritise your own healing.

 

[HealingMama]

This.

You make references to the occasionally dysfunctional way you communicate with him when you're triggered, when your limbic system has been set off (so yeah, ptsd emotional dysregulation? Is a b!tch!), and it sounds like occasionally you even hit fight/flight mode?

That's all stuff that you can definitely work on. And the thing is, as we get better at managing these ptsd symptoms, we can bring our baseline stress level down in the process.

That's very likely to improve things, the home environment, if not the quality of the communication going on. Straight ptsd treatment. Attachment stuff taking a bench seat for a while.

Even if it doesn't improve the relationship with your partner? It will inevitably improve your relationship with yourself, and reduce the amount of distress we carry around when we aren't getting professional support for our ptsd symptoms. And that's potentially going to make really positive internal changes for you that will definitely be worth it. You don't have to carry around the amount of distress that you're living with internally. You deserve to move on from that stuff, and prioritise your own healing.

Thanks. I feel like the attachment stuff is part of the PTSD stuff. I've heard of attachment focused EMDR. It would be nice to find someone that can do it.

I also became incredibly dysregulated last time I attempted trauma therapy and dumped a lot of that in my partner's direction. So I'm worried about that happening again. But I definitely need to transfer this emotionally raw self into a professional setting somehow instead of expecting my partner to reparent me or heal my abandonment fears.

 

[somerandomguy]

I also became incredibly dysregulated last time I attempted trauma therapy and dumped a lot of that in my partner's direction.

Yeah, it definitely happens. I didn't know it would, which did lead to a lot of rancor between my very stable wife and me. If she hadn't been basically the rock in our relationship, I'm sure either we would have broken up or our relationship would have been extremely damaged. It suck you don't have a partner you can emotionally rely on even when you're not dysregulated.

 

[HealingMama]

Yeah, it definitely happens. I didn't know it would, which did lead to a lot of rancor between my very stable wife and me. If she hadn't been basically the rock in our relationship, I'm sure either we would have broken up or our relationship would have been extremely damaged. It suck you don't have a partner you can emotionally rely on even when you're not dysregulated.

Thanks. I knew that trauma therapy can be destabilizing but I had done so much work already, I didn't think it would happen to me this time. I have a protector that is really good at their job.

Last night my husband and I discussed three things he would do. Check some new addresses, eat some of the food I cooked, and share the same bed instead of our usual separate quarters. He literally did NONE of those things he said he would do. This is the story of my life. This is why I complain so much.

At 4am I found a story about friendship and Peter Levine where he talks about the need for security in relationship with others. I have basically none of these qualities in my relationship. I have all of them sometimes, but none of them regularly.

He promised to set an alarm to take over the parenting this morning so I can get a break. Something tells me he flaked on that too, but I'm never allowed to say stuff like that because I'm assuming the worst about him ??

So, I'm over here vascillating between feeling angry and reminding myself he can't help it. Him not being able to help it doesn't actually change my feelings though because being able to trust someone's word is a normal, fundamental relationship need. If I bring any of this up he will eye roll and say I'm picking a fight rather than say you're right, i let you down in several different ways and I'm sorry. If he could do that, instead of make it sound like I'm the problem for wanting to rely on him, we would be in a different place.

 

[somerandomguy]

Hi @HealingMama - I found this article online today and I guess I thought of you while I was reading it ... maybe it would help you gain some clarity ... or perhaps not.
10 Ways That Couples Know It Is Time To Divorce - Dr. Psych Mom

Please ignore if unhelpful.

 

[HealingMama]

Hi @HealingMama - I found this article online today and I guess I thought of you while I was reading it ... maybe it would help you gain some clarity ... or perhaps not.
10 Ways That Couples Know It Is Time To Divorce - Dr. Psych Mom

Please ignore if unhelpful.

Thank you! I do not tick as many of those boxes as I expected to. But then again in the middle of a pursuit-withdrawal cycle, I tick a lot more of them ?

We are playing nice again, but it just feels so flimsy. However, it's for my child's security and stability. I am trying to focus on teamwork and on positive reinforcement. I am making sure positive comments outweigh negative ones.

To his credit, he woke up to complaints about the tasks I felt he hadn't done and addressed my concerns without escalating the issue. And then he circled back and said sorry I should have started with (empathetic validating statement instead of proving wrong statement). So he is trying. I just have a lot of resentment, and a sense that the good won't last so it's hard to appreciate it. I am going through the motions and guarding my heart, and will see what things look like in a few months.

 

[HealingMama]

Something different for once.

Bonding. I suck at it. I am so scared to put myself out there due to a fundamental unconscious belief that people will hurt, take advantage or judge me. I have a group of friends but I am on the outskirts of the group, mostly by choice out of fear. I go out with them just often enough to not stop getting invited. I am a terrible conversationalist. I rely on other people to do most of the talking. I'm afraid to show up, open up. I get so self conscious. I need a person to show me they mean well over and over and over before I put myself out there.

I'm thinking about this because I invited some of my friends to come over for a "packing party" (I wine and dine them and they help me pack one room in my house). Two of them have said they are interested. One of them said she has something else going on but clearly just doesn't want to do it. The other hasn't answered. My husband is much better with people in this way. I often invite people over knowing that I will rely on him to fill in the awkward pauses. I just get so shut down. I hate being like this, so fragile. I have to be in the right mood to be socially open. I guess it's a parts thing.

So, I have been going through the motions of friendship the last 30 or so years. I don't know what I'm doing. I just copy other people and hope nobody notices. I can build rapport etc. no problem, but in unstructured social environments, I just tend to get stuck.

I've been in group dynamics before where there is a crescendo of positive energy and that ish just makes me so nervous. Like... I don't even know... Someone is about to come and attack me for being happy.

I wish I could find a weekend retreat where you rewire your unconscious fears or something. Chipping away at it from within the middle of it over years is tedious and exhausting. When do I get to feel socially comfortable? When do people stop seeming scary, unsafe and/or opportunistic by default?

 

[HealingMama]

We had a fight but a less severe one. I think him hearing that my concerns weren't just bluster in the midst of an angry outburst has meant he is trying to accommodate my needs.

I am sick from my chronic condition. The stress is part of it. He's working more hours and I'm getting no breaks really except maybe an hour before bed. I am mentally exhausted from the regular admin needs plus moving needs and also physically exhausted from long worn hours, parenting, etc. I really need a vacation. And my next vacation will be spent moving. Hooray.

 

[HealingMama]

He forgot that we planned to have sex.

Then, I'm trying to discuss how that feels for me, and he says he's in the middle of something but will answer my messages that I said are important to discuss before I go out of town. Then he forgets to answer my messages.

I need to accept that this should be a sexless marriage. Stop trying to have emotional or physical intimacy because he is going to be passive and neglectful and hurt me every time.

He does it for ADHD related reasons then if I bring it up he blames it on me. He won't own his Intimacy issues. He wont own his neglectful behavior. He won't help build a positive connection, but gets mad at me if I am frustrated with not having one at all. He gets mad that I expect to be able to lean out and have him lean towards me. He won't even do it for sex.

He expects me to be able to go three weeks without getting upset about anything but his ADHD is so bad that the man forgot we were going to have sex so what the ufk else can I do but get upset it collapse into a heap of grief then try to remember how much this hurts so I never do this to myself again.