Piecing things together

[HealingMama]

In other news, I've relocated. New role. New house etc. Adjusting ok. Really burned out in my relationship. As luck would have it, it appears that hubby will need to live separately for a bit. I am considering this a vacation from marital stress. He will miss me. I'm not sure I will miss him. There are elements of the marriage I will miss.

He is planning to expand on bartending work, so I'm sure I'll have intrusive images of him sleeping with other people once he's not living with me anymore.

But I will not miss cabinets and closet doors left open and his unpredictable approach to sleep. We argued 3 times over the last week around coming to bed without being disruptive, sticking to the agreed upon time, etc. His chaotic rhythms trigger my hypervigilance.

Speaking of which, where I live now there is more traffic and aggressive driving and people honking their horns at me just wrecks me. Like, fight or flight for 30 minutes even if I know it is likely to happen. I wish I could turn that off.

If all goes well, I would love to downsize and then continue to live separately. I think we will get along better this way. Just have to figure out the sex, which mostly feels like a big obligation these days anyway.

 

[HealingMama]

Ugh I am feeling really raw still. Hubby and I barely spoke at all yesterday because we were both busy. He was working on something and it was getting late so I said I was going to bed and he said okay, and I got way more upset about that than I should have.

I make him responsible for my emotions and I need to stop doing that.

Then I sat down and made him have a conversation for nearly an hour about attachment and how I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me and doesn't care if they have not had a chance to talk to me all day.

I got stuck in this weird compulsive space where... if I just say enough something, if I can just be understood well enough, then... I don't even know. I'm all better, he's all better, he'll say just the right thing to heal the moment for me and help me feel safe again.

Logically I understand this is not possible.

I got upset again and flounced out of the room... walked back and said here is the part where you're supposed to stop me.

I hate that I need that from him. He doesn't want to do it. I wouldn't either - when I'm like this I'm annoying myself also, surely annoying him too.

I left and called him and apologized for making him sit through such a long conversation. I could see that this was not helpful or good for the relationship. I apologized a lot. Then I said I think I need inpatient treatment, but I don't think it will do any good really until after my mother dies.

It's hard to admit that you have a serious enough issue that you need intensive treatment. I've done outpatient but I feel like I duck and dodge and present as different facets of myself and it would take YEARS to fix me that way. Maybe I can find an intensive residential program for adult children of narcissists or something.

Booked psychiatry and therapy for myself today as well. Found a therapist who is also a yogi, so hopefully I can tackle more than just the mental level of these problems.

Feeling out of sorts perceptually still also.

All my dissociative forum friends, do you ever have an experience where it's like just part of you is outside of you but you are still experiencing life from inside of your body? I wonder if that is what is happening. It's like part of me is way up above my head. I feel like I sound really crazy.

 

[Deanna]

part of you is outside of you but you are still experiencing life from inside of your body

I did that a lot. I know you don't like the medication word.. But it stops there. It's a form of dissociation. That's how you distract yourself from yourself. I use to hear words but not acknowledge them. That's why I didn't do well in school. I was somewhere else. Mostly, hovering over my body.
As far as your husband, you said in the the post before the post above that you were eventually split. But now you're apologizing. His lack of communication is driving you crazy. ( pun not intended ) I don't think he is going to change.

 

[HealingMama]

I did that a lot. I know you don't like the medication word.. But it stops there. It's a form of dissociation. That's how you distract yourself from yourself. I use to hear words but not acknowledge them. That's why I didn't do well in school. I was somewhere else. Mostly, hovering over my body.
As far as your husband, you said in the the post before the post above that you were eventually split. But now you're apologizing. His lack of communication is driving you crazy. ( pun not intended ) I don't think he is going to change.

Yes we have communication issues for sure, but I am also recognizing that I've had some crazy attachment stuff playing out as well. We are planning to live separately but more for logistical reasons than relationship. I feel terribly guilty for things that I cannot really elaborate on here as it isn't my business to discuss.

In other news, I dissociated at work because I was off by myself without enough work to do. Nobody noticed. Just boredom taken to an extreme.

And now I'm hiding in the bedroom because I still feel out of sorts. Avoiding my family. Avoiding my life. Feeling numb and like I'm clicked into the wrong order.

 

[HealingMama]

Ugh more conflict with my partner. He told me last night the only reason he's still with me is he doesn't have the self respect to leave.

I told him if that is the only reason you're still here then please go.

We love each other a lot but are also so bad for each other. His ADHD is managed poorly and so I have the predictable consequences from that lack of management - anger, demands, criticism, overwhelm.

On my end I'm anxious, dissociative at times, obsessive compulsive in conflicts making him sit there for 45 mins as I talk an issue to death.

He apologized this morning but also said maybe he needs to leave, because that seems like the only way he can escape the issue of never feeling good enough. (To me, he's never fully treated his condition with all recommended dimensions at once, so it's worth doing that to see if the relationship is viable then.)

He said in a message he should have left a long time ago, and I replied in agreement saying I should have let go rather than pushing him to be someone different, to cope differently, to get help, in ways that have at times been very unkind.

We talked on the phone during a break and he sounds so sad and defeated. I don't know what to do anymore. We trigger each other on such a frequent basis. I am absolutely overly controlling and I'm sure I'm a huge pain in the ass to be with. I'm sure my anxiety is tiresome, and my ambivalence is difficult to experience. I'm sure it's hard to love me. I'm sure it's been hard for him having to stop sex fairly frequently because I get triggered, or I switch/dissociate, or I numb out.

But it's also hard to feel like I have to parent my partner, and to see that we have such different standards around cleanliness and personal affairs. It's hard to see him spend like an hour a day in the bathroom when there's so many chores to do. It's hard to deal with him acting like a huge jerk when it's time to initiate a task he finds boring, unpleasant or difficult because he absolutely takes his frustration out on me. It's hard to feel like there's no space for intimacy because the entire relationship is suffocated by administrative issues.

I have been such a shit partner though. I have overreacted. I have been defensive. I have been unrealistic in my expectations. I have made him responsible for my emotions. I have hurt him on purpose because I felt like he was hurting me and doing it on purpose. I think the nature of my complex trauma symptoms means that I'm not even fully aware of the ways I have hurt him because I don't hold memory for everything that's occurred when I am triggered a certain way.

There are two sides to every story. One side says that he has just tried to love me as an imperfect person, and in the beginning I didn't know how to receive that love so I pushed him away over and over. Another side says that he saw me high functioning in practical areas and decided to attach himself to me and lean on me, avoiding his own baggage as long as possible, and refusing to acknowledge how much weight he was putting on me.

One version says that I cannot handle too much positive and calm so I pick fights. Another version says I want positive and calm so when his ADHD or whatever else is intruding on the possibility of a stable calm environment, I want that to be addressed. He would prefer that I avoid bringing anything up.

In other news, I had a psychiatry consult and am about to start a couple meds for anxiety, hopefully these will replace the Xanax as I don't want to be taking that even occasionally. I wish I tolerated ssri meds better because I'm sure the ones that show promise for OCD would otherwise be helpful for me.

 

[HealingMama]

A thought occurs to me.

Maybe what I want is enabling behavior. I crave stability and predictability so much, that my brain forces me awake if the room changes in the middle of the night. If the dog gets up, or the husband gets up, or the air turns on sometimes will even wake me up.

But in wanting that predictability, and at times demanding it or getting angry because things are chaotic, am I also interfering with my recovery? There's this trauma therapy mindset around not colluding with avoidance. And me wanting perfect predictability is a form of avoidance. I can't believe I never quite connected this before.

So I can see the value in trying to let go of the need for order and predictability... but at the same time holy shit the fight or flight is so strong, when there's unexpected things happening. I don't know how I can calm down enough to really face the trigger like this. I guess that's why I am starting meds.

 

[Sideways]

So I can see the value in trying to let go of the need for order and predictability

The illusion that ptsd invokes for a lot of us is: "If I can control this situation, I will be safer/feel better/be less distressed".

Life is a messy venture at the best of times, and incredibly unpredictable. It's not necessary about learning to like mess or unpredictability, but at least being able to comfortably live alongside them, riding the ups and downs.

ETA I know that you are a therapist, but do you think maybe working with a trauma T could help you identify and resolve some of these issues more effectively?

 

[HealingMama]

The illusion that ptsd invokes for a lot of us is: "If I can control this situation, I will be safer/feel better/be less distressed".

Life is a messy venture at the best of times, and incredibly unpredictable. It's not necessary about learning to like mess or unpredictability, but at least being able to comfortably live alongside them, riding the ups and downs.

ETA I know that you are a therapist, but do you think maybe working with a trauma T could help you identify and resolve some of these issues more effectively?

I was working with a trauma T and I decompensated. Currently have a t that knows Somatic Experiencing but we haven't been trying to address my trauma specifically, more life adjustment issues.

I've got a telehealth appointment this weekend with a therapist to try to target trauma reactions more directly. New therapist also uses yoga in treatment so I'm excited about that. Being raised by a narcissist has given me flimsy boundaries so I'm somewhat sensitive to the emotional environment of a therapist. A long time yoga person is likely to have cleared their own stuff out in a way that I can tolerate proximity better.

i am excited about the Buspar. Took the first dose last night in case it sedated me. I believe I'll be able to tolerate it during the day okay. I'm holding off on the gabapentin. Won't use it if I don't need it. The psychiatrist also recommended a couple of supplements with clinical research behind them. Sharing in case anyone wants to research for themselves. One is known as NAC, can't remember the full chemical name. It works to increase gluthianone. The other is vitamin b8. Both play a role in the relationship between inflammatory response and mental health.

 

[HealingMama]

Ugh so I'm circling back through to parts awareness. I had a long talk with hubby last night, as I have clarity and self awareness and can see my own reactivity, my own attachment stuff, my dysregulated behavior. And sitting here thinking about the times that it's clear I've behaved terribly but don't remember exactly what I said or did. I was thinking that's probably from switching and then I hear these quiet voices whispering in my head.

I also have a lot of unpleasant internal sensations sometimes that my spiritual minded self has metaphysical interpretations for. But maybe at least some of that, if not all of it, is feeling my parts "moving around"?

Dissociative forum friends who are farther past the amnesia and parts phobia, is that a thing that can happen? Can you feel internal pulling, pushing, little pockets of intensity around different areas of the body or experiences where you feel like your heart is trying to stretch out of your chest? I am incredibly somatic and I know not everyone is.

 

[HealingMama]

Just had a consult with a new T. He seems nice. He also is trained in spiritual practices. He was asking about psychosis symptoms and I told him occasionally I hear whispering in my head when I'm thinking about dissociative parts. We will see how it goes.

He wants me to do cognitive processing therapy. I'm not sure how well that's going to work with the type of traumas I've experienced but it's something.

He sent me information on PTSD afterwards. It's kind of the first time a therapy professional has validated my symptoms as PTSD. The first EMDR person I worked with just diagnosed me with Adjustment disorder.

I told him on the front end that I struggle with establishing a trusting therapy relationship because my abusive mother was a psychologist, and that I view the relationship as more mechanical. But I realize I probably need the bonding.

He's aware that I have a professional background in trauma therapy and didn't seem intimidated or fazed by that so that's good.

It's the first time I opened a therapy relationship with any information about dissociation. We didn't get into it much but he said he has expertise in it so I think it will be good.

 

[HealingMama]

More issues with dissociation. Spending a lot of time isolated without a purpose tied to a moment in time is proving to be difficult. I went to the gym to jar myself back into myself which helped some. I'm not like fully disappearing or anything but I'm clearly ungrounded and it is uncomfortable. I didn't realize how much my mind relies on appointments to keep me present. It's happened a couple of days now, and as soon as I go get my kid I'm back to my normal self.

How strange that my dissociation seems to "pick and choose" times where there's no real negative consequence from it to appear.

We are running credit card debt right now because relocating wasn't covered by my work. So, I'm trying to limit spending. But if I don't get this under control I will have to join a gym near my house to use before work, on my lunch hour, after work, or something. Working out helps. Eating helps. But I can't eat and work out all day so I've got to figure this out.

I think it will be much better once I've got more to do in my role. Boredom has never been great for me.

 

[HealingMama]

Last night I was researching dissociation and found an article written by a ritual abuse survivor about being addicted to dissociation.

I'm not sure but I might have OSDD 1b.

I think I don't understand fully what alters are. I think maybe I switch and don't realize it as such because "I'm still here." Or maybe it's less compartmentalized than that and I just have pretty distinctive ego states. Idk.

But anyway. I'm writing to give a placeholder to myself here because the author of the article (I think it's a transcribed presentation actually) was talking about the core of the person, and how you know there's a core based on the idea of rules that all parts agree to. One example she gave that she said is common among dissociative individuals is "no outside children will be harmed"

And OMG my internal experience reading that was very profound. I can't even put it into words really.

But that would explain why I am so confident when my husband says he's worried that I'd take my stuff out on our kid, and I say that isn't going to happen.

I don't feel like the abuse I went through as a child was bad enough for me to be dissociative. I feel like a fraud.

But I clearly experience "identity alteration" and depersonalization and derealization. I clearly shift into a particular protector then have amnesia for what that part of me said.