Pissed Off Beyond Belief... Example Of Narc Bs

[Ladyghosthunter]

I sent my brother a message to say, "I forgive you" to set myself free. Good idea, right?

WRONG

Joel: Heather I love and I do care about you. What I said to you was not wrong, but my going on FB and saying it was. I should have discussed it with you.

That is what my brother stated. Well, duh. This douchebag stated some of the most horrible things said to me and to set myself free by forgiving him. He told me I wasn't his sister, and that I can't talk to our biological mother because of me...blah blah blah. My sinister in law was the issue here and to me, still is.

Heather:
It was wrong. I never caused you any grief....but you called Daryl and left him a horrid message.
I don't care about the past and I'm sorry you feel the way you do.(Daryl was my narc ex husband) Daryl was narcissistic in the way he treated me. It was about him and the words he told me hurt me so badly to the point he enjoyed making me feel like shit. You didn't listen. Nobody did.

Joel: You still sound angry. From my perspective both of you hurt each other. Its been 4 years since you and Darryl split up. Its time for you to move on and not wallow in the past as it's not good for you or your husband.

NARC RESPONSE! NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS!

Heather:
But what was said destroyed me. Now I have been diagnosed with PTSD with mood disorder unspecified.
You
all need to understand my point in this.
I've had no family for 4 years.
I cussed out Wally the last convo we had..Oh well. Still no family and my husband knows everything and so does my Priest.

NO OTHER RESPONSE FROM HIM...I don't want to hear from him and his bullsh*t. This is the mark of a narc as they will not be responsible for anything. Although Joel stated that I was away from Daryl for a long time, all I wanted to say "I forgive you" to free myself. I've had and still have no family Hurst as far as I'm concern as I feel they are all demons. I don't feel that it was my brother but my sinister in law Donna (Satan).

Sighs. I cried when I read the email however I told him I have no family nor do I want to have them as family. They're assholes....and this conversation has proven it.

 

[reallydown]

Hi. Just want to say, I know how frustrating it can be to deal with a narcissist, especially if it's someone you used to be close to. I've just recently had Round 2 with one and it is not pretty but this time, after a year of thinking about the previous fight and all the hurt etc, I realized she was projecting her crap onto me. I had taken responsibility for my part and even apologized for that (even though she should be apologizing to me) but of course none of that matters and my words and actions get twisted and I get blamed for everything. As you said, no responsibility, No apologies. And there's a lot more. Anyway, sorry you're going through this. Sadly, the best thing is probably to cut off all contact. Otherwise they'll drive you insane.

 

[twinkle30]

Hello
First of all so sorry you are going through this. I have PTSD from a car accident not from family strife but I have had family strife. One of my sister in laws had caused a great divide between my brother and me. It's not just me it's also all of his friends and our father. She is one of those people that twists everything you say around. For instance my father told her one day that her outfit was nice and that she had a good sense of style. She later called him to tell him he was looking at her sexually and he was disrespectful to his wife. WTF Stuff like that. I have a million stories.
Anyways long story short I was very young when she accused me of doing something I never did and caused my brother to forever dislike me. I was just a kid at the time. Well a young teen but still. I know what it's like to deal with someone with a personality disorder like I am convinced my sister in law has. If you want to forgive him as I did her it might be healthy to say to yourself ( not other people as this will cause problems) "well he is mentally ill and doesn't know what he does". I started viewing my sister in law as a mentally ill person and it made it easier to forgive her. I still don't want to be around her but I have forgiven her for me.

 

[Sammyiam]

Ladyghost I'm sorry. Family can be so hard some times you just wonder what the ... Sometimes don't you !,

 

[Lucycat]

@Ladyghosthunter from what I am reading you have not forgiven him. You want to, for sure but actually you have not been able to. If you had any response from him would not have mattered. Forgiveness is unconditional. Instead you only offered forgiveness if he took responsibility for his actions. You can't do that. You cannot control him or his thoughts however much you would like to.

I am sorry this did not work out for you.

 

[Neverthesame]

Sorry this went so poorly. Nothing worse than when you try to mend a fence. Then the prick on the other side, sets it on fire.

 

[Go Hungry]

I think @Lucycat is right, you didn't forgive him. And honestly, it doesn't sound like he deserves any forgiveness. I've heard lots about how forgiveness is more about setting yourself free rather than literally saying 'it's okay, it doesn't matter anymore'... Even if you can do that, I would suggest you just avoid this asshat. I'm sure that when/if you do, he'll try to patch things up one day, ask forgiveness; etc. All because it draws you back in. In my experience, it's just a way of trying to get your attention on him again. Narcs don't like it when people escape them. They have a terrible need to be the center of attention, and they'll fight to keep their place in it. Really, just stay away from this guy (even if it means having to stay away from others as well) as he's only going to keep being a destructive force in your life..

Dump the chump.

 

[Anarchy]

Some people are just plain toxic. The only way to be safe is to avoid all contact. You can foregive a nettle, but don't confuse that with being able to cuddle it.

Personal opinion here - trying to forgive is putting unnecessary pressure on yourself and setting you up for lots of unnecessary self blame and guilt if you don't achieve it.

so long as it is not obsessive, like constantly dreaming about revenge, it is fine to dislike or even to detest somone.

the ideal would be completely bored indifference to the narc, but thre is no point in trying to force yourself to some position or feeling, or to hurry your healing process.

 

[shimmerz]

I have freakin surrounded myself with these types in my life. I always thought being the 'bigger person' and not letting them rattle me was the way to go. WRONG. They don't think like us. Our weakness is their life's project. There is tons of stuff on youtube about this. Even some kids who have taped and posted the narcissistic abuse they suffer through. I find it hard to sit through. You may want to look up "Golden Child", "Scapegoating" as well to see how the dysfunctional roles get played out.

I find this guy to be a really good source of information. He, and many others state that no contact is the way to go. I wondered about this until I found some other videos of people who taped their NA live. I noticed that the narcs just wait for the target to keep making the same point over and over again (much like your idea of giving him an opportunity to be 'forgiven'). They don't give a shiest about forgiveness. That is a weakness that they will never even entertain. You are barking up the wrong tree I am afraid. Best thing I ever did was to get educated. The consensus seems to be 'no contact'. Not ever. No how. No way.

 

[scout86]

I just watched that video...... I have to say, it was both bizarre and interesting.

@Ladyghosthunter did you just now figure out that your brother is a narcissist? Kind of a tough way to learn the lesson, expecting a "normal" response from someone you find out isn't actually "normal". Actually, I found the fact that he admitted posting whatever on FB was wrong to be kind of a major deal. The closest any of the narcissists in my life have ever come to that would be "I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong."

If you could really "set yourself free" by sending him the message, yes, it would have been a good idea. If what you were really hoping for is to end up with a "normal" relationship with a "normal" brother? Maybe a recipe for disappointment instead. Sorry you don't have a nicer brother!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree with @Lucycat.

You can indeed have "responsibility for actions" as a pre-requisite for forgiveness! One abuser out of three has taken responsibility for their actions and changed. One abuser out of three has been forgiven. The other two? f*ck them, they're not worth my time. POS wastes of life that I won't spend any more time on.

Kick your asshole brother out of your life and be done with it. Narcs like him won't ever change.

You'll be so much happier without the drama-rama in your life.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Let me say this: Thank you ALL for your responses in this. This conversation struck up MANY conversations and well, yeah, I just found out my brother is a narc on the same lines as his ex-brother in law which he still has contact with. Yeah, I guess I'm still mad and I wanted to be the better person in forgiving him (this was a couple of days ago) but this s**t happened during a dinner with my in-laws. I went the bathroom and cried for a bit then when I read it further, I see he will never change.
There is something inside me that holds my family all responsible for my condition but I've got to let that "drama" go. Life is too damn short, the way I look at it.
You all are right-I was trying to do the right thing and the fan blew all kinds of diarrhea back around on me and in the room. My faith tells me to forgive him but how do you forgive an asshole who....oh never mind.

Love you all!!! HUGS AND MUCH LOVE!!!!!