Pity party vs grief

[Friday]

Just a gripe... you keep asking questions about things I’m in the middle of... and then I have to go and think about it :shifty: LMAO... I have more half written responses to your posts, woman! Nope. Too close to home. I can do it! Noooooope. Backing away slowly. :hilarious:

Clearly, the following isn’t advice or this is how I did that and here are the results... just what I’m working on (& may well be f*cking up / the way not to do that) ;) It’s also likely to be scattered, disjointed, and about as clear as mud.

***

I threw a pity party for myself this afternoon. (a few days ago, now).

I’m okay with that. Feel sorry for myself briefly, totally wallow in it, selfish/self-indulgent nonsense with very little bearing on reality,.. and the sheer ridiculousness of it self limits how long it can last for. Phew! Okay! That’s over with.

Which is one of the things I like about them. Wham bam. ..

One of the others is that they tend to show me where I’ve got to be shoveling. Because either the thing I’m upset over is bullshit, or my reaction is bullshit, or some of each.

***

Today’s thing was that I spent the past couple weeks up to my eyeballs in top brass (o6-o10 ret.), knowing that I embody almost everything they hate. They don’t know most of it, but I do, and the little enough they do know means they were so disgusted they were polite. (So you already know it’s bad). So as not to disrespect their host. (Which is even worse.). I’ve known these men since I was a kid. I respect the hell out of them. Aaaaand here I am all choked up, again. Stupid. Point being? They’re GOOD PEOPLE.

They’re just not MY people.

Which is what cuts through the pity party.

I’ve spent most of my life being hated -to some degree or another- by a lot of people. That doesn’t bother me. What gets to me?

- People I respect being disappointed to disgusted with me requires a meteic shit ton of integrity on my part. I don’t give a flying f*ck what most people think of me, but people I like/respect? I care about their opinion. When we disagree it’s a lot harder not to take that on, but remain solid in what I know/believe to be right. When we agree that I suck? It’s even harder not to lose my sense of self.

- Regret. I might have earned their respect, once. That’s never going to happen, now. What could have been? If things had been different? Omg. Not a road too go down. That way lies madness.

There’s other stuff, but the point(s) being that

- The things that gut me are hugely telling. I can USE that. Just like flipping around an “I’m tired” List into a Goals list. :sneaky:

- I’m well aware that self pity is bullshit. Sitting around feeling sorry for myself does jack shit in actually fixing the problems I’m feeling sorry for myself about. (Unlike other things that are probably glaringly obvious, so I need someone to actually point the suckers out. :bag: I can sooooo see when I’m kicking into waaaaah poor me :wtf: )

***

As far as self pity vs grief? Wildly different creatures, them. Grief is an old friend. It’s also self limiting -in a very different way- as I can only honor whom & what I’ve lost for so long, before it ceases to be about honesty & honor, and I either have to poke fun at them/myself to keep the HH going, or it turns into something that’s not grief. Punishment, confusion, self pity, the list of possibilities for morphing grief ain’t short, or distinguished. And most of them dishonor the memory. Which is added layers of gross, and the opposite of what I know of grief and mourning.

Sadness, though, I don’t touch with a 10’ pole. How that relates with anything is totally beyond me. Grief is an old friend, self pity is bullshit (but bullshitting has its uses), and sadness is beyond me.

 

[One step at a time]

I don't know.
According to my T, I'm not whining when I discuss things that hurt.
So far, I'm not really getting it. But... she has a bad habit of being right.
We'll see.

 

[Freida]

wish you were not feeling so much pressure to 'perform' with this.

Yea.... it's the perfectionist in me.... I HAVE to get it right or, y'know, the world will explode. heavy sigh

My fear of what might happen was WAY worse that what actually happened.

LOL - My T just told me ....again...for the 95,000 time. I'm afraid of my feelings, because I'm afraid I will dissolve if I let them out

It was my own damn fault.

I get caught up in this a lot. From my viewpoint everything that happened to me was because of something I had done, some choice I had made. I'm trying (trying!) to get that turned around to everything that happened to me was because of the choice someone else made.

you keep asking questions about things I’m in the middle of... and then I have to go and think about it :shifty:

Well think faster!!!! I need to get this crap sorted out! :arghh;:arghh;

Sitting around feeling sorry for myself does jack shit in actually fixing the problems I’m feeling sorry for myself about.

Punishment, confusion, self pity, the list of possibilities for morphing grief ain’t short, or distinguished. And most of them dishonor the memory.

Hmmm..... this is interesting... I could look at it backwards..... how do I feel afterwards. Do I feel like crap and frustrated because I'm whining about feeling sorry for myself or am I using grief to honor a memory of something lost?? Damn. That's deep. This may require wine.

 

[mamachick]

I don't know of any PTSD in person support groups, but most cities have 1 ACA group at least within reasonable distance. (Adult Children of Alcoholics) Most members have been diagnosed with PTSD, at least in the group I attend. I am so grateful for this group. I am also grateful for my ACOA group, which is 8-10 people weekly. Many issues overlap, and treatment is much the same. The ACE test (Adverse Childhood Experience) is only a 10 question test that relates to much childhood ptsd.

My point is, that the topics and discussions really help to sort some of this stuff out. The feedback and support (face to face) is also so beneficial. So many of us got our thinking screwed up so early in life, and although I thought I had recovered from family of origin, the symptoms came back when too much shit happened in the present. It took me back to that helpless child...no wonder to feel helpless, angry, like having a pity party, etc at times.

Holy crap, I use to do psycho-educational groups on parenting as well as many other topics, did therapeutic groups for battered women, individual counseling, etc. I came to feel I have nothing to offer. Hopefully on the upswing of that, but by now the physical problems interfere with any real ability. Just the same....just wanted to throw that out there.

 

[Tinyflame]

Grief is an old friend, self pity is bullshit (but bullshitting has its uses), and sadness is beyond me.

Yes. ^^^

I think grief is easier managed with time. But triggers in the present are what changes everything. For me.

 

[RoadtoHappy]

Grief for me so so painful and really hits right in the pit of your stomach.. but it’s a painful journey on long road..

pity.. pity is a huge wall that you are not willing (or able
At this time) to get over or around.. It blocks you from where you need to get to.. but sometimes it’s ok to take a break at the wall, recuperate.. and the
When you are ready.. GET OVER THAT WALL AND KEEP GOING!! Well that is how I see it!!

 

[MyWillow]

The last 2 days I've experienced repeated sessions of crying - painful soul destroying kinda stuff. On reflection each bout would start with a sense of "pity party" and deepen into full blown grief. I need to put the wall up again today. I'm exhausted.

 

[Freida]

pity is a huge wall that you are not willing (or able
At this time) to get over or around..

I love that analogy!!!!!

 

[mamachick]

To me, a pity party or feeling sorry for ourself is based in the belief that life is not fair, or that Im entitled to something that I have not been able to obtain. Even healthy people have the occasion to feel sorry for self or have their pity party even if doesn't last long. While we have good reasons to have pity parties, they are not usually helpful to us in any way.

However, grief is about loss,(of a loved one, of self, of our childhood, of a limb, employment, health, etc) and is at the core of what happened to us. It is at our core, and may create that pity especially when we feel overwhelmed. Eventually everyone suffers grief due to various losses. IMO, when we don't deal well with our grief effectively, it leads to self pity. I also think that the pity is tied to hopelessness and or helplessness.

Sometimes we have more grief than we can handle-one loss on top of another and another. It really hard to manage our grief when this happens. This leaves us feeling hopeless and helpless, and eventually turns to self pity. A key to working through the grief is coming to acceptance, which can be really hard. (something I haven't mastered) because of multiple griefs in short period.

If this is not helpful, just disregard.

 

[DharmaGirl]

This is an insightful conversation. One thing I've noticed is that you may share grief, but a pity party requires spectators. People who will agree you were "wronged" in a way that you deserve more help, or more empathy, or more pity. I don't know if that is exactly what my mind is thinking. There are people I've met who tell me how down and out they are, how poor they are, and how much in pain they are over and over, without even noticing that I have severe cPTSD, chronic pain that is getting worse since I'm waiting to have surgery until I absolutely have to, and I am poor too. Way poor. So, these folks, and there have been a lot of them, I'll explain in a minute, need my continued assistance even though in most cases I am in the same, if not worse circumstances. Those people are having pity parties because that is the way they get rewarded.

I meet these people because I plant a lot of veggies in the summer to give out, as well as put up, and I give eggs away to someone who is needy, or just a friend. I go online and there is a free site for people asking for, and giving away things. I try to give away veggie starts with a bigger pot to transplant them into, but so far only one taker over a few years. You can grow tomatoes on your porch. I also give veggies and eggs to families asking. Many, many more of those. The thing is, they ask and ask and ask me to drive them places, (I don't) since I have a nice truck. This is a pity party. There is an emotional or physical gain involved in pity parties. To quote someone here, whom I don't remember - they have a problem for every solution.

Grief is, like someone said, mourning a loss. I lost my brother 2 1/2 years ago and I still grieve. Not in public, not so you'd notice, I hope, but I miss him every day and it still hurts. I allow myself to grieve, but it isn't an all day affair and I don't want others to help me grieve. Does that make sense? It is less contrived and more like tripping over a rug. I agree @ladee, accepting that you feel it then allowing it to move away is the answer for me too.

 

[NightSky]

I don’t know the answer. This is a very real, persistent struggle and here is how I’ve approached it lately. As a bit of a backdrop, I’m approaching year three of therapy with a T I absolutely love and trust. But I do not express emotion with her. She has talked to me about grief since our first month together. I have bouts of anxiety/panic which she says can be almost like pressure valves when we don’t allow ourselves to feel. It will come out somehow. And often it comes out as anxiety. I decided I would have to learn how to feel. But I get so stuck in worrying that I’m having a pity party. I’ve finally recently started admitting to myself, and sometimes to her, that the pain I feel in my gut is relentless. Any time I’m triggered. Any time I have a nightmare. Any time flashbacks kick in. I’m in pain. I’ve hid it, I’ve covered it up, I’ve denied it, ignored it, drank it away, cut it away, slept it away, tried to run from it, tried to gratitude it away.. but it’s just THERE. I don’t want to live with this pain in this intensity anymore. And what I’ve done in the past hasn’t worked. So now, when I start to feel the waves of pain I look inward and I talk to little me. I say “I’m sorry for how much you’re hurting. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry I’ve left you in pain for so long. You’re safe now. I hear you and see you and I’m going to take care of you.” Just as I would any child in distress. This isn’t a pity party. No one knows I’m doing it. But it helps ease the pain and has started turning something that was a jumbled mess of angst in my gut, to sadness I’m able to sometimes put words to with my T.
If you ignore it, or try to stay “strong” by not expressing it, it will come out in other ways. If you stay stuck in your head debating whether or not you have a right to feel, you’re just delaying your healing. (This is what I have to tell myself, as well).

 

[ladee]

@NightSky , what a beautiful and healing way to grieve. Little NightSky has been holding all that pain... and now the two of you can heal. can grieve.. can be sad for how things were. You may not need anyone to be super proud of you.... but I am. To the moon and back... your words summed up grief... hope other at least try to see if this works for them. Thank you for sharing... tender hugs if you accept.