Please Give Advice/outlook..help Would Be Appreciated.

[Kneehole8]

I have no idea in what section of the forum to put this in, but I really need advice/another's outlook on this. I have a new job for a month now. Things are going great and I'm working with different people and families in their homes. This one family I just started with and have had one day with them, 6 hours total. The man (dad) of the household I felt was a bit too friendly with me. He was very nice, but stayed with me and a bit too close for comfort. It just made me feel odd. I didn't mind the niceness or the conversation, it was his actions that bothered me. He found ways to touch my leg and put his hand directly on my knee a few times, once to help get himself up from where he was sitting...I don't do that to someone I don't know that we'll, do any of you?? It all just didn't sit with me right and I just want to make sure I'm not rushing to judgment or not giving him the benefit of a doubt. I'm going back there in hopes that it wasn't as I first felt because I know with my PTSD my initial reactions to some things can be off.

 

[crazyhorse69]

Maybe he's physically attracted to you, and would enjoy having a secret affair with you, if you were willing? Maybe he's lonely, isolated and desperate for some love and affection but that's to forward so he's masking it with kindness and helpfulness, All viable possibilities, I see your situation playing out one of two ways, either you establish, create and define clear boundaries in your current circumstances, or you quit and remove yourself from the situation.

David

 

[ladee]

What an uncomfortable situation. If you have to go back, get ready with some boundaries. It is awkward to say the least. Ask you boss what to do in a situation like this... but that sounds like you simply need to follow your gut on this one, doesn't sound like PTSD paranoia....he is clearly out of line !! Let us know what happens.

 

[The Albatross]

I also work with clients and families in the home (agency caregiving CNA/HHA) and agree to putting your initial impressions to the test, however... if there is over time a consistent pattern of inappropriate touching/unwanted contact... I directly address it both with my agency and discuss it with the family member under guidance. I actually am in a situation where I normalized being assigned male clients and have an opportune type client who is inappropriate at times - 90 year old male... it is a consistent pattern of behavior and after three years I am tired of waiting for my agency to reassign me or deal with it managerially with the family. So... one time may be a fluke but if it is repeated, report it and refuse the client if you are able.

Ironically it is the unpredictable nature of the incidents that get me the most... usually I am solid and very accurate in assessments but I have four hour shifts and they are about every other day... I have no way, walking in what has gone before and what his mindset is.

He has actually verbalized to me that I am a "working girl" and asked directly for inappropriate touch (non hygiene necessary and he is able to do his own care in that particular area). I prayed about it and discussed it with a co-caregiver and for a good long time, was able to contain the behavior by saying, "I am a married woman and you had a working wife. If someone asked this of your wife, or she told you what would your response be?" Which worked however in further decline the behavior reemerged. He has a history of enmeshment with a private pay caregiver and it was very in appropriate.

So.... eyes wide open and if your under management of any kind, report to them and seek direction... but don't allow the behavior to persist. This latest stuff has been bugging me enough to set the boundary though I felt wholly qualified to deal with it up to now with only occasional mental emotional disturbance even with PTSD and triggers... I did not trigger with the client... I had a startle response... but I am very unsatisfied with my managers.

 

[The Albatross]

I rambled a bit more than intended but wanted to come back around to setting, verbally and suscintly what is acceptable and what is not... "I'm not or don't want to be touched thank you except for a handshake or pat on the shoulder" or something like that most often suffices... no explanation necessary. If theu quiz or query further and you are not comfortable, refer them to your manager.

 

[Stickler]

I think the leg touching is inappropriate and I would call it grooming for abuse. But that's me.

 

[Sideways]

Both thumbs up for what @The Albatross said - I really like that approach, because it's so rare that we ever get to experience defending ourselves calmly and rationally, and experience being in control of our own safety - all things that we were deprived of during our trauma.

Have confidence in your own internal alarm system. This sounds like a nasty situation that you can deal with in an empowering way:)

 

[ladee]

I was a private caregiver for Alz/dementia patients for almost 25 years. In all that time, I only had one client that was inappropriate. I very quickly let him know that his behavior was unacceptable. Tho he had a brain injury, he did understand, and was ok after that... The irony of this particular job, I went to work one evening,and one of the sons met me outside... long story short, my clients wife accused ME of being sexually inappropriate with my client. His behavior did not trigger me, but being accused of such a thing almost destroyed my career..... It was reported, and thank Goodness, the RN taking the complaint, knew me from previous jobs and stood up for me...She was a HH RN... I headed straight to the rabbit hole with that experience. I couldn't work for 5 months... so ya, set your boundaries and stand tall. Because of my own abuse... the idea someone would accuse me of something so despicable, hurt me in a place I had not been in awhile...

 

[The Albatross]

Doubled back to add, (since my problem client is on his best behavior today and I had some space for clarity) that I elected to try to work with my management, the client and practice setting the boundary and clarifying vocally in a emotionally regulated way what I will and will not tolerate and that I clearly do not want certain specific kinds of touch or requests or discussion.

I surely don't recommend that for every situation particularly as the OP said this is a family member and not the client. But to me it was exposure therapy. It has actually done some good and been a solid foray in management and emotional regulation and being able to vocalize what I am comfortable with and not. Girls in my era typically are or were sensitized to be caregivers, to fill needs... but I know many even as reported by teens I worked with at the Y (I was the "not the mom/grandma lady" when they had problems) and for myself that it was not modeled for me how to deal and refuse and stand up under situations for myself when I needed to. Just a thought.

 

[crazyhorse69]

So it looks like you've chosen to define boundaries in your situation, good to see your standing up for yourself and helping other's see things your way.

 

[BlueOrange]

The other bit that's important in the advice given by The Albatross is to get your boss involved in a constructive way by asking for help. This has a number of benefits:

The boss might actually give you good advice.

If they give advice that doesn't work, at least you did as you were told.

The boss finds out that there's a problem, and is more likely to take your side effectively if they hear about the situation from someone else.

 

[crazyhorse69]

The other bit that's important in the advice given by The Albatross is to get your boss involved in a...

If you do involve your boss, chances are your not the first employee he's heard similar complaints such as these, from other women working there, I doubt it's a isolated problem just to you, good luck hope the situations improves for you