Then what kind of help did you expect from us on the forum? It doesn't sound like you want advice. We can only give you advice, we certainly can't do anything about his behavior. And neither can you, unfortunately. If you are fine with him treating you the way he does, then it sounds like you just need to be patient.
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Relationship Please Help Me Hang On To My Love With Ptsd
- Post starter DeeDee85
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- Post starter
- #14
And I'm sure there is no wife or other family. I know his family. His sister moved to another state but she visits. I was pretty close to his son. We have many mutual friends. That's how we met. Our kids were on a sports team together. I know the ex and have been at events where they both were in attendance. They don't even look at each other. I'm not even concerned about him with other women. He's not the cheating type.
- Post starter
- #15
I was hoping to hear from someone who went through it.
What did they do? Did they ever get better? Did things ever go back to normal?
I'm not walking away. I just wanted advice on how to cope in the meantime. How can I help him?
You can't. I mean, you can send him messages to remind him that you're there for him, but that's about all you can do. And I think most others on this forum will agree with me, and offer the same advice. That is the best advice for supporters -- you can't help him, you have to help and take care of yourself. Otherwise you just plunge into codependency. Apart from just letting him know you're there, I don't see any other way to help him. He needs to help himself.
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- #17
Sweetpea76
VIP Member
There is absolutely nothing you can do to help him or make things better. That's the hard part about being a supporter. Its all on him.
It is extremely difficult to be the partner to somebody with a mental illness.
All you can do is take care of yourself. Being a martyr and sacrificing yourself on the altar of Love isn't romantic, it's codependent. It's not like a fairy tale where your love is going to cure him. In real life, all the love in the world isn't enough to make a relationship work. He has a mental illness. It's not going to go away. A toxic relationship isn't going to be good for either of you.
If you want to work on this you need to take a good hard look at yourself. What do you need in a relationship? Where are your boundaries? Look up codependency and think about it in terms of your relationship. Then make some hard decisions about what is healthy.
It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a PTSD sufferer, but it takes a lot of work, strong boundaries, and your sufferer being healthy enough to be in a relationship.
It is extremely difficult to be the partner to somebody with a mental illness.
All you can do is take care of yourself. Being a martyr and sacrificing yourself on the altar of Love isn't romantic, it's codependent. It's not like a fairy tale where your love is going to cure him. In real life, all the love in the world isn't enough to make a relationship work. He has a mental illness. It's not going to go away. A toxic relationship isn't going to be good for either of you.
If you want to work on this you need to take a good hard look at yourself. What do you need in a relationship? Where are your boundaries? Look up codependency and think about it in terms of your relationship. Then make some hard decisions about what is healthy.
It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a PTSD sufferer, but it takes a lot of work, strong boundaries, and your sufferer being healthy enough to be in a relationship.
Sunshine71
Gold Member
My hubbie says it will get better - its been 7 years full on and he has changed so much - the only time we are happy is when we are apart. I spent Sunday crying my eyes out all day - the first day we were together. I am scared of the weekends. Although he hasnt gone away for such a long time as such he now applies for some work to take him away. (He didnt work for 6 years as he was too ill but working has helped a great deal) I think the real truth is that this is who they are now and our relationships WERE good.... will they change? Can they change? I dont think my hubbie can... and it is heartbreaking.....
TheMinsterman
Gold Member
Deedee, I understand the feeling of hope that "he is still in there". I felt it too with my SO/ex-SO, but the truth is, they're not, at least not in the sense you're convincing yourself of. He's never going to become what he was again, that is part of him, but so is this. He may have moments where he behaves like he used to but you need to open up to the fact that this is also who he is, don't sit there hoping the old him comes back, he won't.
I've had to learn that, my (probably now ex) SO has completely changed in the past 2 months, we don't even talk now. I have been so sad and down but I know now I am grieving what we HAD and what she WAS, I've come to accept that she will never be that again. She may behave that way again sure but now everything is different. I can't trust she won't also slip back into this behaviours, the way she's acted has changed everything I feel in terms of trust.
You're begging us to help you hang on, just think about that.
Why should you be hanging on to anybody? Aren't you worth more than that? I'd like to think you are, I'd like to think we all are. There are boundaries and we have to establish and accept them, or else the "sufferers" will take liberties forever and we will suffer. It's awful and it may mean your relationship ends, but you can't just sell yourself short for them forever, it will absolutely destroy you.
I've had to learn that, my (probably now ex) SO has completely changed in the past 2 months, we don't even talk now. I have been so sad and down but I know now I am grieving what we HAD and what she WAS, I've come to accept that she will never be that again. She may behave that way again sure but now everything is different. I can't trust she won't also slip back into this behaviours, the way she's acted has changed everything I feel in terms of trust.
You're begging us to help you hang on, just think about that.
Why should you be hanging on to anybody? Aren't you worth more than that? I'd like to think you are, I'd like to think we all are. There are boundaries and we have to establish and accept them, or else the "sufferers" will take liberties forever and we will suffer. It's awful and it may mean your relationship ends, but you can't just sell yourself short for them forever, it will absolutely destroy you.
- Post starter
- #20
I'm so sorry. I know how hard it. I wish we could go back to the good times.
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