Relationship Please Help Me Help My Daughter :-(

[DMerish]

Hi there,

I hope some folks can help me on my journey of helping my daughter deal and heal from the affects of a bad case of PTSD from witnessing/attending to the violent (messy) death of someone she loved.

The biggest question I have right now is whether it’s helpful for PTSD sufferers (of severe trauma) to talk to a close family member about the triggering event? At this point, my daughter is at the bottom of a black hole – her daily self-care is slightly more than minimal, she has nightmares and flashbacks, freaks out with unexpected sounds/smells, won’t read a book on healing PTSD, wouldn’t take the steps to tap into State/County resources, and won’t go to T (family has pooled $). She says she “just wishes she could get fixed” -

One of my sons (daughter's brother whom she is closest to) found her a T that specializes in trauma recovery (CBT and EMDR). DD has seen the T twice out of five appts. - something last minute came up the other three times and she canceled. My thinking is, that if she’ll talk to me about the event that it will instill more trust in her towards me, and then I can possibly be more supportive in other ways, i.e. suggesting to pick her up for T session, listening to soothing music on her iPhone at night to help her sleep, etc. that might help her heal. I've had my own experience with moderate/mild PTSD due to dysfunctional family relations (my ex, the only member of their FOO that wasn't committed to a RTC, was a narcissist) – I’ve learned to maintain good self-care, avoid triggers, and got into mindfulness meditation (the biggest help for me!), I don’t have the space, financial resources, or emotional resource to be with her 24/7 (for her to move back home). She is nearly homeless, and I want to help her as much as I can and I'm at a loss right now. Suggestions/insights will be warmly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.
Drew

 

[Anna]

Try to go to the therapy sessions with her. Tell her that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that these people are there to help and support her.

Also tell her how much you love her, and you are there for her no matter what.

How old is your daughter?
Is there anyone who can have her stay? An aunt, an uncle? grandparents? Friends?
Is it possible for her to stay with you even if it was on a camp bed in the living room or the sofa?

Danger is with any mental illness, especially if someone is living alone, they can forget to pay the rent, they cannot look after themselves and can end up homeless. I have seen it one too many times. It is very important that she is not alone at the moment.

 

[rightkindofme]

It is really wonderful that you care so much. Not many sufferers have such loving, compassionate support. She is already blessed.

You can't fix her. That is really hard. Encourage her to go to therapy. Be willing to listen if she wants to talk but don't try to force her. Maybe she *can't*.

Therapy is the main road forward. I'm sorry for your family.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope she will continue to talk to you and not hide things. I hope she can become stable.

I am sorry for what you and your family havgone through and are going through.

 

[wicked child]

Hi

Talking about it, is her "trigger". The trigger induced intense fear.

She is not ready yet to talk about this or seek therapy. Watch her carefully.She may be at risk for suicide. It takes time before it all sinks in. Only then, when she realised what it is all about can she see that this thing is a life sentence. Until she is forced to seek out help. Then she will talk. And hopefully recover.

 

[Alienated]

Wow... That is hard to hear, because I know how both of you feel. You feel helpless, and she doesn't want to deal with it, let alone relive it by talking about it.

I have witnessed/been subjected to a lot of violence, and it is very hard to deal with. Mainly because everybody reacts differently. And sometimes it just takes time, sometimes allot of time. I know it helps to know that someone cares, but because she doesn't know what she want's or needs. It's next to impossible for anyone else to know. Between the mood swings, fear, and numbness, needing support, and needing to be left alone. What to do and when, no one really knows, for each person.

I don't think she ought to live alone, because some of the mood wings can be severe. And depression can set in very quickly, without anyone knowing. Depending on how severe they become, she might need 24/7 care. I really suggest you look for all resources available, whether state funded or privet. You might get some direction to go from here... Dr. Phil

And check with victims of violent crimes

I'll be praying for you and your daughter.

Daniel

 

[DMerish]

Hi again . . .

Thanks for the replies and the warm welcome. They really mean a lot to me (I think it's just awful how our culture shrouds the affects of MI, doesn't deal with it, and primarily uses it to raise media viewership - okay, rant over).

A couple of questions came from my intro post and here, so I'll try to answer . . . My Dear Daughter (DD) is 30. She stayed a few month's at her dad's immediately after the incident. He is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), more interested in being with his Girl Friend (GF), moved in with her/rented his home out. DD had to leave. His FOO (all five of them have problems). They only see/speak to each other on the 4th of July and at Thanksgiving - mostly to eat, watch a game and drink lots of beer. DD went to her dad's FOO July 4 picnic - Fireworks triggered bad, bad episode - His family tried to sooth her with syrupy sweet "Oh, honey, don't cry. There, there sweetie, they're just firecrackers. Don't let them affect you. Aw, you just need to snap out of it. Here, have another hamburger and another beer." She left, went to BF's grave, bawled herself to sleep (thankfully it was a very warm night and mom/me trained her always to keep blanket in the car trunk), then called me in the a.m.

My Family of Origin (FOO) lives 1,000 out of state. Eldest sis is going through chemo and bro is hospitalized with a brain tumor. (I made pre-funeral arrangements on Friday) My other sis is the hysterical type (other sis and bro won't let me tell her what's going on with them!). If she didn't react to things so hysterically, so often, I'd put my DD on a plane and send her there. Other than that, there's me and my three sons. DD got herself in abusive relationships before. I rescued her, as did two of her three brothers. Out of self-preservation, I can't allow her stay with me. The two brothers now have families of their own with young babies (they were pretty upset over her getting into abusive relationship again before she left their homes, but are "there" for her and can be called on when needed). The third son lives 250 miles away. He's been a great support to her, driving RT each weekend, "making her go" to suicide support groups (in other ways also) until 5-6 weeks ago when DD dropped going (understandably) because the groups were comprised of mostly older people/parents dealing with non-violent suicides, which is very unlike what DD went through. Other than my hysterical sis, overall my FOO immediate and extended are relatively "healthy" - we all pitch in to help one another even if we're miles apart, only if doing so means sending $5. It's just how we were raised by our g-parents and our parents. So, between sons, my family (including sick sis and bro) the money is there for T and for school this fall or next year (whenever she's ready). But my family's "thing" is we don't help others too much until they begin to help, and continue, help themselves.

Technically, DD is not alone - at least, not yet. She is staying on the sofa at one of her "friends" home right now - The "friend" uses my DD for babysitting - she doesn't come home to care for her own child, DD gets stuck, thus cancelling the three T sessions. DD realizes she needs help - would like T and maybe Rx. But will do very, very little, if anything to help herself.

Anna, thank you for the suggestion of going with my DD to the T's office.

I will first have to come up with / talk to DD about how she can go about maintaining boundary around caring for the friend's child, so that DD doesn't keep getting stuck with the kid. Not sure how I'll do/approach that. It surely seems to me it is very necessary. I think my DD would like to tell me the details (in her own words) about what happened, but I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I could handle it, but I don't know whether it's something that would be good for her to do with me or whether I should invite her to do.

Any thoughts?

This forum has a flavor unlike a couple of others I looked at. There are really a lot of good / kind - thoughtful people here. Much gratitude for this site and everyone's understanding. Sorry for the l-o-n-g post . . .

Peace and thanks ~
D

 

[Abstract]

Personally I think it is a matter of getting coping skills and some trust back first and having the basics. Maybe some meds, eating and sleeping and general safety. Opening pandoras box can send someone right off the edge if they are not stable enough.

Lots of self care and safety and trying to get to a therapist or even a dr are good steps to start. Lots of patience and reassurance. Try to package things in a way to avoid or minimise triggering shame too if you can. Hopefully she will settle a little and that will make it easier to get her help. She is probably terrified at present and running away from it as fast she can. Not realising that doesn't work.

I am really sorry for this happening for both of you.

If you can still do so then see if you can write out the abbreviations as the site tries to make it easy for those who have English as second language or who aren't familiar with them. :)

 

[Muzikluvr]

I'm sorry for what your daughter is experiencing, and that she has gotten mixed up in abusive relationships in the past. That can be off-putting for supporters, to have to watch as someone chooses to be with someone who is clearly hurting them. I really can't believe parents sometimes... the "friend" who leaves her daughter in the care of someone who is depressed to the point of hardly caring to take care of herself is just... frightening.

I'm not sure if you should try to listen to what your daughter went through or not. I know you think you can handle it, but if you've been through some PTS before it could trigger you in ways you can't handle as well as you need to in order to be the best support system for your daughter. I told my husband... just scratching the surface of some of my traumas and he became very upset. It's not easy to hear about the traumas of a close friend or family member. In fact, I think it is one of the criteria for diagnosing PTSD.

Link RemovedThe person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (1 required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.

Personally, I have a very good imagination, and when I read about people's traumas or hear about them, I can often picture them like I was there. I see more than is described... especially, if I've ever been in the crime scene. Then, I start remembering things that happened before and after, things that were said, things that might have been misinterpreted. My mind will go on a journey from which I struggle to retrieve it. Later, I'll have memories of those scenes when I'm reminded of the incident or the people involved. Are you really prepared for all that you'll be exposed to in asking her for details? Will she be prepared for your response if you become overwhelmed?

Did you say you've seen a therapist before? Have you thought about going back? It could really help you. A good T may be able to give you better ideas for supporting your daughter, and also be able to help you set boundaries so you aren't overwhelming yourself taking on too much of the emotional burden of her experiences.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I don't understand some of your abbreviations.

My DD is 30

"Dear daughter'?

He is NPD, more interested in being with his GF

What is NPD? GF is 'girlfriend'?

His FOO

I have no idea what 'FOO' is.

Please understand that there are people from all over the world on this forum, what means something in your country doesn't mean the same thing in others. Also many abbreviations have the same meaning.

Try doing this..."My therapist (T) and I had a great talk. My T thought I was..." That way you can use the abbreviation but it's clear what the meaning is.

Wishing you the best.

 

[DMerish]

Hi Muzikluvr,

Thanks for your insightful post. Yes, I have seen a T - I saw someone for quite a while for my own issues (mainly divorce) some years back. It was very helpful. My sons were in cahoots about not telling me what happened until a month later. First, I was told only that her BF died, DD was distraught, didn't want to talk to anyone, but was okay. Then, very slowly bits and pieces were revealed to me - I had to ask for a little more each time. Like you, I've got a good imagination - hearing bits and pieces second hand just allowed my imagination to go wild and re-activated my PTSD. Damn - that was tough, so I did go back to seeing T. I'm now familiar with many details - only not from DD.

My sons, their families and I were at a family wedding when the incident happened. Two of my sons and one DIL are firefighters. They were called into the station - One son and DIL went to the scene. The other stayed at the station, and the youngest son stayed with me (unknowing what happened) until the following day. The youngest son has been the most supportive of DD, has been with her the most since the incident. So, in effect, I'm the one who has been most protected thus far. And I'm really, really thankful you posted - Your point about not overwhelming myself by taking on too much of the emotional burden of her experience was heard. I

It was what I needed to hear right now - because this is my DD, I want so badly to relieve the suffering she's going through. Like the big guy in The Green Mile, I wish I could just suck out of all the demons, the horrible things she went through, the awful memories and spit them out. Now, after reading your post and pondering a bit, I believe that for me and the rest of my family my place is to help her get the help she needs, be supportive of her when I can, and initiate doing things that are more fun with each of my children and all of us together . . . in other words, to begin to bring some normalcy back into our lives.

Thank you so, so much!
Drew ~

 

[DMerish]

I apologize for not explaining the abbreviations up front. :sorry:

DD = Dear Daughter; FOO = Family of Origin; GF = Girlfriend; NPD = Narcissistic Personality Disorder