Relationship Please Help Me Here, I'm Going Out Of My Mind!

[Daniel Gregory]

Hey,
I don't usually use forums like this so forgive me if i go of topic.

So anyway, my wife and i have been together for nearly 5 years, and she has been suffering from an undiagnosed mental health issue for a long time, so for the first four years of our relationship, i tried helping her with it, by researching pretty much every possible mental health problem there is.

But I messed up badly, I mean don't get me wrong 90 percent of our time together was fantastic. She's such an amazing woman that I fell in love with her, wanted to marry and have kids with her, and i instantly loved her two children from her previous relationship like they were my own children.

But then there was the last 10 percent of the time we spent together, where the problem would then take over her, and change her to this person who just was just not my wife, and to be honest it was hell, but I always saw it as, that I love her and I hated seeing going through this problem she suffering so badly from, alone, so I'd ask her what I can do to help so many times, that her non responsiveness then turns to anger and she would then scream at me for hours and hours. So I then saw it as its down to her problem an I need to help her not hinder her, so I needed to shut up and just be there for her, and saw the negative thoughts I was thinking, as being my own problem not hers and then suppressed the hurt I was feeling.

However as the weeks and months went on, the bottled up thoughts and feelings I had, kept resurfacing to the point where I started losing control of my own anger towards her, and hurt her.

The authorities involved in our lives made things so bad between us that I started getting stressed out all the time, arguing with her all the time, to the point she left me and took our children with her.

At first I was ordered to leave our family home, then she was. And my mind spiralled out of control so much that i was believing complete rubbish, that my own mind created about her from even more rubbish the authorities were feeding me about her. And things just got worse and worse from there to the point where i developed depression.
I mean this is my own wife for Christ sake, i missed her like crazy, this amazing woman who was just gone.

But then just as things got to the point where I could no long see an end to all to this, suddenly things got better, Danni came back, and wanted to try to sort things out between us because she still loved me. Suddenly the stressed eased my life got easier, and I started feeling happy again,

But just as I thought the worst had passed, the depression fired up again, to the point where I was questioning everything Danni said or did, paranoid that I was going to say or do something to upset her again so as she walked away again, guilty over the things i did to break her in the past, and he it still remains, trying to move forward with with amazing , beautiful woman, but stuck in the past, playing head games with myself, feeling like an awkward schol kid on a first date, ot knowing what the hell to say or do around her.

So I guess that's it, has anyone else felt this way supporting the spouse, because i really don't know what to .think, feel or do anymore and i need to get past this for Danni's sake, and before I'll push her away with constantly thinking that I'm going to mess up our relationship.

Or am I just looking for answers I'll never find?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, is she currently diagnosed with PTSD? Is she currently seeking treatment?

I am a sufferer. I was involved with someone who treated me not so nicely. I don't claim innocence in what went down between us. However, he thinks that by suddenly being nice and changing how he behaves toward me means that I should just up and forget the past. Unfortunately, we're not really designed to just be able to let the past go. The pain sticks with us. I see you as thinking that you should just be able to let go of the past in order to be happy. I think you should seek out couples therapy in order to work out things between the two of you as this isn't just your problem, it is a problem for the both of you.

I hope you hold her responsible for her end of all of this. Its not her fault that she has PTSD, but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass at abusive behavior. Yes, screaming at someone for hours on end IS abusive, and while it can be understood in the context of PTSD, that doesn't mean she gets a free pass.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I'm very sorry to hear you're both struggling like this. I have the same question as Solara; is she seeking treatment or perhaps already in therapy?

I know you want to be there for her and that you want things to work between you two, but diagnosing her is up to a professional psychologist or psychiatrist. It doesn't help either of you if you jump to conclusions about why she's behaving like this. Perhaps couples' therapy could be of help here; it would help both of you communicate better and give you handy pointers as to how you can best respond when she's upset.

If you decide to fight for this relationship, you must realise that it is going to be a rocky road for your whole family. But with good professional help, you may very well find that it was worth all the effort.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Daniel Gregory]

Hello to you both,

And thank you for the replies. However to answer your question, my wife, Danni, is indeed now receiving treatment and therapy for her PTSD, although she has only recently been correctly diagnosed with PTSD.

She had been given a diagnosis twice before her more recent diagnosis, the first of which found nothing wrong, although the professional in question giving the diagnosis, was a terrible psychiatrist, to be honest. And the second diagnosis diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder, which i strongly disagreed with, knowing full well that the problem seemed a lot worse that what was diagnosed. I realise I am not a professional and have no way of knowing exactly what the problem exactly was.But I had researched the borderline personality disorder, and it just didn't seem right. Turns out I was right all along, and the diagnosis of PTSD fitted the bill perfectly.

My thanks again for your replies.