GreenEyedJen
New Here
Thank you in advance. I appreciate any help, as I am desperate for an answer to what's been plaguing me since childhood.
To start, I know I have PTSD from childhood trauma, primarily sexual abuse and abandonment. However, what I am about to describe happened prior to the largest incidents of abuse that I believe caused my PTSD, but I lived with a sexual deviant, so I am questioning whether abuse occurred before the point I could even recognize what was happening.
I am now an adult in my 30's, but since I was a young child I would have a sleep disturbance that always came with the same feeling. Part of the issue with finding an answer as to what this is... It's so difficult to describe. I remember standing in front of the mirror with the worst fear, the worst dread imaginable. I had a certain feeling overtake me that was unique to only this. I would stand in front of the mirror crying, and all I can remember is feeling a "hard" sensation with my fingertips. I can feel it now just thinking about it. And when I would feel this hard sensation I would be overtaken with panic. This "nightmare" or whatever it is has happened many times, but now as an adult sometimes I will go to sleep and I feel the feeling... I know it's coming and I will avoid sleeping. If I concentrate and think about the hard texture touching my fingertips I feel panic set in my chest.. I can't describe anymore than this, even though it's happened so many times. It's like it's blocked. What does this sound like? I am desperate... If I can sense it coming before falling asleep, it couldn't still be a nightmare could it? Any help is appreciated.
To start, I know I have PTSD from childhood trauma, primarily sexual abuse and abandonment. However, what I am about to describe happened prior to the largest incidents of abuse that I believe caused my PTSD, but I lived with a sexual deviant, so I am questioning whether abuse occurred before the point I could even recognize what was happening.
I am now an adult in my 30's, but since I was a young child I would have a sleep disturbance that always came with the same feeling. Part of the issue with finding an answer as to what this is... It's so difficult to describe. I remember standing in front of the mirror with the worst fear, the worst dread imaginable. I had a certain feeling overtake me that was unique to only this. I would stand in front of the mirror crying, and all I can remember is feeling a "hard" sensation with my fingertips. I can feel it now just thinking about it. And when I would feel this hard sensation I would be overtaken with panic. This "nightmare" or whatever it is has happened many times, but now as an adult sometimes I will go to sleep and I feel the feeling... I know it's coming and I will avoid sleeping. If I concentrate and think about the hard texture touching my fingertips I feel panic set in my chest.. I can't describe anymore than this, even though it's happened so many times. It's like it's blocked. What does this sound like? I am desperate... If I can sense it coming before falling asleep, it couldn't still be a nightmare could it? Any help is appreciated.