General Please Help ....

[NeedHelp]

Hi everyone... I'm very new to this forum but it has been really informative and a great resource.

My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD. We have only been married for about a year and she was diagnosed about a year before we were married. I have always tried to be there for her but things just continue to get worse. I love her to death but I constantly feel like she tries to find a way to get into an argument or to be angry at me.

We have not had an intimate moment in about 2 years which I can deal with but recently she told me that if she gets better that she might not even want to be with me. She is seeing a psychologist who specializes in PTSD now which is great but its very hard for me to get around the point that if she gets better she may leave me anyways...

Has anyone else ever had this situation? Its very hard for me as I support her as best I can but then to hear that just takes the wind out of my sails. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for the past few months as well. Any advice, opinions or discussion would be really appreciated.

Thanks

 

[clare]

Welcome NeedHelp,

Let me start by reiterating that my experience may be very incompatible to your own so take it or leave it.

After being tortured, beaten and raped I was hospitalized for one month, physical rehab then psych. Unfortunately the damage I sustained left me with impaired self esteem (PTSD not being diagnosed 20 years ago). I was became attracted to sexually aggressive men and entered into unhealthy relationships repeatedly. I wanted to somehow relive the trauma and come out healthy. Bad idea. I met my husband 10 years ago and knew it was probably the start of an abusive relationship, but went ahead with it. I think many woman use sex to attain love. In my case "love" was never even considered. Violence/sex and the need to "fix" the monster that caused me such pain were an underlying compulsion. It's been a long, rough road and we're still in recovery. I know that there is a good chance that we will divorce depending on how healthy I am. (Again, I'm sorry if this doesn't relate) While the physical abuse has stopped, what we are left with is a relationship that was based on a sick fantasy. My husband still doesn't understand why I don't like to do things the way we used to-pain and humiliation is not a turn-on for me anymore. I've changed. I told him I need to start over and that intimacy is very difficult for me now. My husband constantly says I'm trying too hard to change him and that it's not his fault that I have PTSD. I say I need more support, I need a kinder, gentler man who won't hurt me anymore, drink, stay out all night, frighten the kids, call me names and demand sex. He's worked on some of these issues and that is why were still together. I don't know how much longer it will last. For my part, I try never to raise my voice to him, I don't call him names, I try not to use sarcasm or disdainful language-I try to set an example. As for sex, it sometimes sickens me to do it because I can't help but remember the horrible things from the past, but I try.
I can't say "I love you" to my husband because I don't feel it, but I want to.

May be it's time to ask some tough questions. Has she ever really loved you? Does she have any desire to? If your wife is saying she's only with you because she's not healthy enough to leave, I really think you need couples counselling.

I'm sorry if this is harsh-I'm just speaking from my experience.
Please remember to read the info posts on carers relationship issues.

Take care,

clare

 

[cerberus83]

Hello needhelp, I have been married for almost three years and about a year ago my wife was diagnosed with PTSD.

I agree with Clare in that it would probably be a good idea for you and your wife to see a marriage counsellor. speaking from experience, within a month of when we got married my wife was talking about divorce, about four months ago we started marriage counselling, and things have improved.

The main thing is to find out how much of what your wife is saying is "her", and how much is just the PTSD talking. Also you can find more information in several sections of this site, just look around. hope this helps.

 

[ISupportHer]

I Also Am A Spouse

NeedHelp,

I feel I can hear your frustrations and fear with your situation. Also that I have felt some of the same.

Quite frankly, I have trouble offering advice since my situation remains in unresolved. I mean, how can I tell you what you should do or feel when I struggle myself?

I can, and will, however offer my support and ability to listen. Be a "comrade in arms" and share your frustrations.

I am sometimes sounding like a broken record as I tell other spouses, etc to seek help themselves. That means a therapist for yourself perhaps, who can provide face to face professional advice and support.

In the mean time, research the previous posts well. You can learn from other carers, see resources in almost any other area here. I have even posted to suffers for explanations, from those than feel they can respond, about behaviors I have seen at home or questions about similar feelings they have.

I wish you well, this is in no way a quick fix situation. You've come to the right place to start to understand and develop coping.

 

[Shoka]

Hello Needhelp,

Welcome to the forum. Good for you for looking for some support for yourself. You will need it, but there really is hope if your sufferer and perhaps yourself can get some professional help.

There is alot of good "stuff" on this forum. It has helped me beyond measure to be part of it.

Shoka