Relationship Ploy To Get Out Of Therapy?

[caligirl03]

After literally 2 years of trying to encourage/convince/beg/plead? with my sufferer to seek professional support, he finally agreed on the condition that we go together. We've gone twice to see a wonderful T who is also a combat vet so the ability to relate was instant, which was awesome. While the sessions have been rough at times, they've also been very productive, and we both feel instantly better afterwards. Our T warned us that as we learn new coping skills, we will inevitably fall back into the some of our previous cycles, and to not be too hard on ourselves as we try to break free of those old harmful habits. He also gave us the "homework" of hanging out together at least once a week outside of therapy.

So on Sunday, he and I were both wiped and decided to just have a nice lazy day with takeout and Netflix. I made a thoughtless off-handed remark, and he got upset and left. I called shortly thereafter to apologize, but he was still angry and told me that until I decide to take our relationship seriously, he doesn't want to invest anything more and hung up. I called back and left a msg apologizing once more and letting him know that I very much DO take our relationship seriously. I also sent a text reiterating the same thing and letting him know that he has my whole heart, but no reply. A couple days later I even sent a picture of his favorite fudge brownies I made that he's obsessed with and asked "Truce?"--and still nothing. Not even brownies could get through to him!

So clearly he's gone completely radio silent, and we have another counseling appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. While I admit my comment was careless, it wasn't by any means intended to hurt him, nor did I slash his tires or key his car. In other words, I feel like his punishment is disproportionate to my crime. I also feel like I've shown him endless grace throughout the torrent of insults he's perpetually hurled my way over literally nothing yet he's acting like I've committed the unpardonable sin and is icing me out.

I wonder if any of this could simply be an excuse for him to weasel out of counseling and don't know whether I should reach out once more and if so, what my approach should be. I really want him to show tomorrow, not just for us, but also for his own good. Beyond just our fragile relationship, I'm deeply worried about him because the holidays are always terrible for him, and he also recently told me he thinks he may be depressed and has been calling suicide hotlines "just to talk", none of which sits well with me.

Any advice on how to navigate this tricky situation would be welcomed and greatly appreciated.

 

[dulcia]

I guess go to therapy tomorrow and if he doesn't show (maybe try and prepare yourself for this so you don't have to deal with the emotions from a broken expectation), do the session on your own, if you can.

In other words, I feel like his punishment is disproportionate to my crime. I also feel like I've shown him endless grace throughout the torrent of insults he's perpetually hurled my way over literally nothing yet he's acting like I've committed the unpardonable sin and is icing me out.

Maybe the T can better explain this one on one.

 

[The Albatross]

Therapy makes emotions come to the surface, it could be that his reaction to your rather small transgression (and you did apologize) is disproportionate and he is the one going back to habits... but sure, he could be avoiding because as you said, the two sessions were difficult. I'd go to the session.

 

[Friday]

Any advice on how to navigate this tricky situation would be welcomed and greatly appreciated.

In lieu of direct answers from himself, I would avoid assigning motive.

Meaning punishment (suitable for the crime) & using it as an excuse to avoid therapy are both MindReading & Jumping to Conclusions. Maybe accurate, maybe not, but either way they're attempting to fill a void wih answers, and the answers suck. Sucky answers? Predispose you to a fight. So if his motives are entirely different from the ones you're spinning up? By the time you guys actually talk you'll be all geared up in your battle rattle ready for a fight, while if you were wrong? He's just been ambushed and accused of shit he's not done. No bueno.

I know nature abhors a vacuum. I know it's hard not to go all anxiety-girl (leaping to the worst possible conclusion in a single bound). But it's really worth the effort IME to either have no expectations, or to Occam's razor it (he got hurt/angry & is cooling off), until you hear otherwise.

 

[illusionist]

Hmmmm...I'd be thinking that I've been forced into doing this......it's painful.....I'm trying.......and then she comes out with that remark?......why bother.....my best isn't good enough.....apology?.....means nothing.....fudge brownie would have just distanced me more....is he not taking me seriously??

I'm sorry, but I know that this is how I would read what you have described.

 

[caligirl03]

@illusionist Hmmm that's an interesting take. Although from where I'm standing it very much feels as though I'm making continuous concerted effort only to get stonewalled, I do greatly appreciate alternative perspectives. Given it's quite possible he views it the same way, how do you suggest I proceed? Simply give him space and wait for him to respond?

 

[shimmerz]

Idk, for brownies I would have at least pretended that I was okay until I scored one. But that is just me. :cool:

There is nothing that you can or should read into what he is doing. He is probably not even certain what the reaction (which doesn't seem to fit the crime) is all about.

The thing is, there is a level of trust that is involved in this really difficult therapy work. And I am shocked that he is okay with you coming. And if you took something that was told in confidence or took one of his buttons and slammed it like a pinball paddle (there I go aging myself again), then that is a pretty big breach of trust. And that wouldn't be about what you said but more about using a trusted thing against him.

No idea if this is what happened, but I know I have had this thrown at me every now again and it changes everything.

 

[Gs172003]

Hmmmm...I'd be thinking that I've been forced into doing this......it's painful.....I'm trying........

Agreed.

The therapy is hard and the remark added to that. I wouldn't jump on the "he doesn't want to go to therapy" thing quite yet. Maybe see if he'd rather go by himself this time?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I'd give him some space and try to relax. Go to the appointment as scheduled and see if he shows.

No use panicking unless you know there is something to panic about.

 

[illusionist]

I know it is very, very hard for partners.....I think it is best to just leave him to come to you...give him space.

As sweetpea has said....go to the appointment and wait and see if he turns up...and take things from there.

 

[scout86]

To throw out a completely negative thought.......
There's always an incident that's 'a bridge too far' or 'the straw that broke the camel's back' or what ever. If it was ME acting like that? It would mean that the relationship is over, period, end of discussion. The incident that lead to the end of my marriage probably seemed like "nothin' but a thing" to my ex. But I clearly remember looking at him and thinking, "I'm not going down this road one more time." And I didn't.

On a more positive note, most people don't react to stuff like I do. Go, make the most of the session, whether he's there or not. If he's not there, that would NOT be a good sign for the long term prospects of the relationship.

 

[dulcia]

@caligirl03, what ended up happening yesterday? Did you end up being able to do a session on your own?