Police Officer Looking For A Different Career

[johnsmith]

Hello,

This my first post. I am a PTSD sufferer, I was diagnosed about 4 years back and find I have many setbacks and am always feeling like I will never be a normal person again. I feel like every day is a struggle. I feel like somehow I have perminant brain damage from this. I can't think, learn, study etc at the level I could before. It is as though my thought process has been impaired. I keep thinking eventually it will all come back. What I am coming to the realization to is that I can no longer continue working as a Police officer and have begun looking for another career.

This is a hard pill for me to swallow as it was my life's calling to be a Mountie. I thought I would actually help people... what a joke. I have been with the RCMP since 2000 and have worked in a variety of Detachments and Federal Postings. I have been in several Fight for my life situations. A lot of my work was in a pick-up truck on isolated F.N. Reserves with my closest back-up an hour and a half away in bed sleeping. Constantly alone and outnumbered and hated like you are the enemy. I have been living in a nightmare for years. A few examples would be from co-worker suicides, being stabbed, fighting for control of a gun, dead babies, buring bodies that smell like BBQ ribs and car paint. Homicides, Children violently raped, walking in on brutal rapes in progress, cutting down hanging bodies (dead and not quite dead), trying to scrub the greasy fatty smell of brain off my hands...

I have gotten to the point where I know I will never be able to begin to get my life back till I leave. I am not concerned about the stigma of quitting, the problem is I have two small children and I fear losing my paycheck and don't feel confident about my abilities to land a decent job with similar pay.

Anyone else out there have similar fears?

 

[bonnecanyon]

Hi BeauWilde

Welcome and thank you for sharing. I am in a similar situation. I don't want to do what I'm doing any longer (too many triggers) but what would I do instead? If I quit will I end up homeless? It's a lot to deal with. I was married to a cop for 10 years, but he didn't have to deal with anything like you are. Hang in there and keep posting. This is a great site with lots of support.

 

[Simon]

Hi from the UK

What a very brave person you are and you'll find a lot of support on this site I'm sure.

I'm wondering what makes you think you can't do other things and are chained to a job that sounds like one trauma after another.

You can for sure get treatment for your PTSD now but with what you are having to put up with I suspect you would get layers on top if you continued in your current job.

I would ask yourself a question or two - and also run them past your other half as you say you have a two children now.

With regard to the paycheck side of things. What you do for a living now obviously buys you a particular style of living. But irrespective of whatever that may be, you cannot possible enjoy any benefit from that when you are suffering, often alone by the sound of things, as you are. Ask yourself whether living in a smaller house with maybe less money but less stress and trauma would give you a 'richer' life. If you asked your loved ones what they would prefer for you and them i.e. a living hell for you now to pay for what you currently have now or some sort of peace and happiness in more reduced surroundings - I suspect I'd know what they would say if they love you.

As far as any 'stigma' around jacking in a job. Do you mean with colleagues etc? Fact is some people are better cut out for jobs than others. That could be in something completely different or the type of thing you are doing now. Better still, you have choices. And the right to change your mind. What seemed like a good idea ten years ago might just not stack up right any more. No one has the right to criticise someone choosing a different path. And if they do, so what? It's your life not theirs.

With 2 young children you might decide that you want to see them grow up and spend more time closer to them. Lots of guys do that so why not you?

I know jobs can be hard to me by but think of the skills you have gained doing what you do now that a different employer would welcome - self organisation, excellent communication skills, self discipline, behavioural flexibility, managing difficult (understatment!) situations and people, diplomacy, working under pressure etc etc

When you feel trapped like this it can seem that you have no choice but beleive me when I say that you do. Some of those choices might be difficult - like the money/job/house etc type stuff but consider this...

If your 2 lovely kids were asked what was most important to them ie that they had a Daddy that was able to spend some quality time with them, that could go for walks and take them down the park - which cost nothing - and could be in good shape for them as they grow up (and as a Dad myself you definitely need to be!) OR have Dad go through what you go through to live in whatever house with whatever car and go on whatever holiday...

We both know what they'd say.

You are a brave man and I believe that if you can see beyond where you are at right now, you WILL prevail.

If you make the change where the job is concerned you will find hte strength and mental space to start to deal with the 'stuff' when you are ready.

Good luck and, when the time comes, if you need any advice re help on the PTSD front, drop me a line and if I can help out i will be happy to do so.

God bless.

 

[Pappasmurf]

BeauWilde: I too have had careerchange in mind after my shooting a couple of years ago. Even though the good guys won and the bad guy lost, it is difficult to deal with. I have been to Post Taruma retreat and spoke with many shrinks. They seem to help for a while, but the rug get pulled out from under me from time to time. When I think about career change, I sometimes think it will be like the other "band-aids" and will only work for a short time. Anyway, take care of yourself.

 

[Riggs413]

Welcome to the forum BW

Losing the paycheque and not finding a suitable well paying job.......are thoughts most with PTSD have probably had at one time or another.

Looking back now, I wish I had the courage when I first started having problems to seek help and leave the department I worked for.

I went undiagnosed for over 10 years until one day I just crashed. Today I am trying to heal, fighting for benefits as I can't work at any job right now and trying to repair all the mistakes I made along the way, or at least the ones that I am able to repair.

You say that a worry is about supporting your children, which I completely understand. What will you do if you end up not seeking treatment, or continuing working as you are and end up not being able to work at all. PTSD does not go away, it doesn't get any better when you are dealing with the same triggers day in and day out. What about not being there at all for your two young children because your PTSD has progressed so far, unchecked, making you unable to have a normal relationship with anyone at any time?

Have you crawled inside the bottle yet, like I and so many other cops have done before you? The view sure is better or at least hazier for awhile, but the reality of you career and what we see every day is always there when we crawl back out of the bottle to go to work.

Have you hit your wife yet? I have assaulted my partner a few times while sleeping, thinking she was the person/thing attacking me in my nightmares. I put her on the ground when she pointed a water gun at me one day. I didn't think about what I was doing, I just saw the threat and reacted. I know, it was just a water gun, but my mind said "gun" and I just reacted. Yes, she doesn't point the water gun at me nor does she sneak up behind me to tickle me anymore. When I am having bad days we sleep separately, I am just saying that it took us a great deal of time to find a way to live together with both of us feeling safe.

I guess in my convulted way, I am trying to say, is the well paying job worth it in the end?

I wish that I could hold my daughter in my arms and say, yes we may be poorer today, but we have each other unlike the reality that I am forced to deal with, which is that I may be richer in wealth but I can not hold her at all as I drove her away.

Again, welcome to the forum, lots of good people here, unafraid to share their opinions and stories with you. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

Riggs, a city copper

P.S. Have you looked into disability benefits with the Mounties, through Veteran's Affairs?

 

[johnsmith]

Thanks for the feed back everyone. All the comments were good.

I advised my supervisors of my intentions to seek a medical discharge today as well as our Discharge Officer. I have a meeting next week with them as it is a lengthy process. Apparently the federal government will give me priority for placement in another federal job that I am qualified for so that will help.

I do have a VA pension already through Veteran's Affairs. If medically discharged I will receive a R.C.M.P. pension, though a very small one it will be indexed. This is all good stuff and will give me the ability to find a job that pays quite a bit less than what I make now.

I am beginning to get excited about my future again. I am only 29, I have been with the force since I was 19. I have a lot of life ahead of me. It will be a huge relief to have this chapter in my life behind me.

The money and job security definitely isn't worth it. It is time I start doing whats best for my sanity and not what's best for the bank account and my image. I am sure I am making the right decision.

Nice talking with you all.

 

[NarcSis]

Have you given any thought to Investigations or a Management position within a security company? What about the Parks Services? I was thinking Federal Corrections or the "marshall services" but that may not be a good idea for a former cop - too many bad guys there with a hate on for you guys.

Cops have a lot of marketable skills which make them great for jobs like high level security or security risk management positions....Emergency Management?

Wish I could help you more, but I don't know what the pay levels in these positions are and rest assured, you are young and have PLENTY of years ahead of you to get into a new career.

Good luck.

 

[Clydiechick]

I Know Exactly What You Are Going Through

Hi

Wow, yours is the first post that I can TOTALLY relate to.

You have made the right decision by getting out, believe me. It just comes a time when you know you can't do it anymore. It is your time.

You should be able to seek help through the corp, as you PTSD has been caused by your job directly.

I know what you mean my brain damage. Believe me when I say that I felt like that too and I felt that I would never be myself again. I have a fabulous psychiatrist and he told me that I will never be the same person again and that I had to face that fact. I have however regained some concentration and feel a bit better. I am on medication also, which dulls the senses and calms the fear to a point. If you are at the point of being hyper-vigilant, having panic attacks, can't leave the house, afraid of driving etc etc you should consider it.

I am considering doing something with kids or drug and alcohol counselling. I want to give back to the community after having such a 'reactive' type of job. The other option I had was being a PI, working freelance for insurance companies etc. In Australia there is good money in it.

Be happy to hear from you again, keep in touch.

Hang in there, it does get better, it takes a long time, but it happens.

Clydie:hello:

 

[CowboyFool]

I think you hit the nail on the head - I thought you were speaking of me... same boat. 10 years, PTSD, looking for something different, however the jump is pretty hard to swallow with all the stigma (even though it is stressed on paper and on the computer at work that arms are open). I'm thinking this will be a difficult gauntlet to navigate. I've been approved for veterans affairs for the initial diagnosis and I'm just waiting until later this spring to get another package (6 mos from approval) for the final assessment and a permanent compensation percentage. They told me that it's 10% for the first 6 mos until the final assessment. Seems odd, but, I guess that is the way it goes. It would be easier to make the decision knowing what rate they would compensate me at and also to know what the RCMP will assist me with. I am not sure if they will pension bridge a 10 year member to an early retirement to 20? Have you heard anything? On the flip side, members go on stress leave for years (I don't have it in me to do this), but it would be in their interest to pension bridge. All I know is PTSD in the RCMP is a catch 22. My rational behind that is simply that once you receive VAC pension the RCMP sees the money going to you. It is the only one that they exclusively pay for so simply in seeing the money going to you via VAC which they are on the financial hook for, they put 1 and 1 together and know that is what you have. My psychologist advised he was going to look into this hole in health services' confidentiality. I'm kind of waiting for a call since being in touch with VAC.

If you learn of pension bridging or what options the outfit provides financially please post. Hang in there - I carry a pen and pad to help me with my day.

 

[amethist]

Hi Cowboy

Welcome to the forum.

You have replied to a thread which is almost 18 months old. You can check this by looking bottom left of the last post in the thread you reply to.

Maybe you would like to start an Introduction thread of your own. ?

Just a bit of help and guidance as you begin your journey with us here.

Take care.

Amethist