Poor Therapist Has Made Me Worse - Feeling Really Alone

[ghotiff]

I’m feeling very alone right now.

I'm new here, so some background - I had childhood sexual abuse off and on for about 10 years. By the time I was in my mid twenties I put the past behind me to the best of my abilities and was going pretty well. About 6mths ago I felt strong enough to start (and carry though with!) therapy for my issues and have been seeing a T. My T was all into talking about the details of the abuse and memory recovery work and in my ignorance I trusted this process and tried my best to discuss and recall what I could. Long story short, it has been a disaster and I am now in a far worse state than before I started this process. I’ve just stopped seeing her and have booked myself in with someone new, but I won’t be seeing them for 3 weeks.

I feel really alone right now and I hate my new even-lower functioning self. There is no-one I can really talk to. Talking to friends seems to yield a caring kind of ‘you’ll be okay’ attitude, but I don’t feel ‘okay’. And they also seem to have disbelief if what I say is too much. I just feel that no-one gets it and I’m really hoping someone on this forum will, and then they will be kind to me.

One thing that won’t stop bouncing around my head is my scariest dissociation event (just recently learnt what to call it) where a work colleague was walking towards me and about 2m away - time stopped and later I came to with him lying on top of me. I asked him to let me up and he did immediately (and was nice about it) but clearly he was surprised with the request (For context - there had been some light sexual banter between us and I think he made a suggestive move which triggered me into blanking out and in that state I came across to him as interested/willing). Needless to say, with my past, this event scares me…what if it was someone else who didn’t respect me enough to immediately and politely get up. What if I didn’t come to until too late?. Whats really compounding this is the two reactions I've had when trying to share this event. When I told my T this story, she responded by telling me that other people are much worse and that they can lose many hours in a day and spend everything on their credit card and how much of an issue that type of blanking out is….and that was basically all she said and the topic moved on.

This typical comparison to people that are worse off than me makes me so angry. I know others had (and have) it worse than me and I truly feel for them. But right now I want this to be about me. I feel like I’m back where I was as a child, I’m struggling inside, I’m scared, and I’m alone, and no-one can (or is willing to?) help. Has anyone else felt like this?

I started therapy work with the goal of improving my parenting. Well....for the last 6mths I've been a much worse parent. My triggers are much worse, I have a shorter fuse, I have nights where I don’t sleep, and regularly times where I NEED space and my kids have to look after themselves (they are old enough so its not a safety issue, but I hate that they might feel that I don't want to be with them). My eldest keeps asking me whats wrong….currently I just tell him I had a bad day.....but everytime he asks I feel guilty....I wish I could hide this better from him.

I'm sorry this post is so scatty...I can't seem keep my thoughts on a single problem.

 

[joeygn72]

It's ok the post is "scatty" catch me on any given day and I can make you look hyper focused.. Ha ha... Hey there are a lot of good people here willing to listen and offer their experience. I can't speak for everyone else but I am terrified at times and I have become ok with that. It's scary when I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.. I am glad you made your way here...

 

[laurelheorot]

Hello. I'm new here, too - so, welcome to us! I'm glad you found your way here - you are not alone.

I'm sorry that you have had a less-than-wonderful experience with therapy so far. Finding the right therapist can be a long, painful and incredibly frustrating process, but trust me when I say that finding the right therapist is work it - try not to give up.

Just remember that what you are feeling (or perhaps not-feeling in the face of dissociation) and going through is completely valid, no matter how 'crazy' it may seem to you or others.

Perhaps you could focus on some 'grounding exercises to help you stay in the moment as much as possible during this period as you wait to see a new therapist. Hopefully, if you are able to improve your self-awareness and ability to alleviate your PTSD symptoms, you will be able to be more present for your children and yourself and feel a little more engaged in the world.

One of my favourite grounding exercises involves clenching and releasing body parts, starting at the toes/feet, and working upwards to your calves, thighs, buttocks, stomach, chest, arms, hands, fingers, etc. I like this exercise because it re-orients myself within my own body, reminds me of my own physical agency and strength, and helps me feel as though I am connected to my body in the present, rather than my body in the past.

Another grounding/distracting exercise I like is counting things, or counting up/backwards from 100 in increments of 7. I'm sure there'll be about a billion other techniques in the pages of this forum and elsewhere on the web, but I have personally found the workbook "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood & Jeffrey Brantley to be incredibly helpful. My therapist introduced it to me and it's great. You can download an eBook for about $15 I think and then print out the PDF, but get in touch with me if you have problems and I'll try and find you a copy.

Another thing I love is the PTSD Coach app - it's free and on iTunes/Google Play. It guides you through ways you can alleviate PTSD symptoms, as well as teaching you about it and listing safe people/places/numbers to call. It's very accessible and easy to use, and it means you just have to remember to open the app when you are having a hard moment, rather than having to remember a million techniques all at once.

If you can find some time/space to explore ways in which you can alleviate your stress a little bit, you will not only be helping yourself but you will be learning what works/what doesn't, so that you can turn up to your new therapist with some input about what is helpful to you, and you can jump off from the same place.

Hope this helps. Hang in there :)

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks. And thanks for the ref for: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook"

My new clinic has said that my first appointment is to screen to see if DBT is suitable for me, but I don't understand what it is yet, and the idea of a group session scares me. I'll grab a copy of the book you recommended. Being prepared will make me calmer. Thanks.

 

[Pencil]

I feel like I’m back where I was as a child, I’m struggling inside, I’m scared, and I’m alone, and no-one can (or is willing to?) help. Has anyone else felt like this?

On and off for most of my life, yes. Being on here helps a lot.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @ghotiff and welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry you have had such a poor experience with therapy so far. I have seen many therapists and Dr's over the years, some good, some not so good. But the biggest and most important piece of advice I can offer is, find and work with a trauma specialist. There is a huge difference between a specialized trauma therapist and a more general therapist. As you've unfortunately already discovered, a therapist not specifically trained to deal with and treat trauma issues can actually make things worse.

A trauma specialist will work with you to develop grounding and self soothing techniques before you ever begin to delve into the details of your trauma. And even then, it will be done gradually and gently and carefully.

I hope you will find being on the forum helpful. You are not alone! You will find members here with all sorts of trauma histories and in all stages of therapy and healing. Done be afraid to reach out, and/or ask questions.

Again, welcome! :)

 

[arfie]

Comparative consolations mystify me. How am I supposed to build happiness on someone else's misery? Isn't that something like going to an oncology ward to treat an appendicitis?

But to share experience without comparing, I have had several periods in my own recovery where pulling down obsolete defenses caused my condition to get worse before it could get better. Emphasis on "obsolete". Most of these defenses, (eg amnesia) served a purpose at one time. Pulling down the obsolete defense is painful and messy, but worth it in the long run.

 

[Caterpillar]

I'm sorry you had such a negative experience with a therapist. It's a special kind of hopelessness you can end up feeling when those who are supposed to help end up hurting instead, but believe me, you are NOT alone in these feelings. It's hard to keep believing there's help out there after bad experiences, but please don't give up. There are people and techniques out there which will help you. I'll second the recommendation for The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. That's what my DBT group uses and it's really simple to follow and well-written.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks so much everyone

Regarding choosing a therapist. I don't understand how to do this. My bad one was recommended to my for my specific issues which I have always known stem from my childhood sexual abuse. Her websites main focus was on helping people from this but she was crap (sorry, a bit angry at the moment ).

The therapists who my govt helplines recommend mention nothing about resume or sexual abuse, and ones websites main focus was on corporate career counseling (I've been on these courses through work and they are so many worlds apart from PTSD issues that it's laughable)

In regard to comparisons, thanks for your thoughts. And to clarify, if someone shares something of theirs then to me this is not the comparison problem I'm referring to. What bugs me is when people who have nothing like me (and I think no understanding) compare me to extreme cases that they have "read" about with seemingly the gaol of minimizing my symptoms and trying to get me to suck it up and stop wallowing because I'm not the worst case out there.

Maybe my issue is that maybe this is what my family did. They knew one of the problems at the time but didn't think it was that bad and expected me at 10 years of age to prevent it from happening again and they went on with their lives and I spent 3 afternoons a week for 5years in the situation and trying to stop it happening, knowing it's my responsibility to stop, but not knowing how. I was actually pretty successful at keeping my body safe, but my mind never was. I think it was the living in fear that has done most of the damage.

I really appreciate everyone posting and letting me know that there are people who care and understand.

 

[It's all my fault]

I think quite a few of us suffer from the after effects of invalidation from our abuse. I know for me, it is a HUGE trigger whenever I feel invalidated. Knowledge is power however and I am trying to stand back and see if I am contributing to the severity of the invalidation feeling. DBT is great for this. Good luck and hope you find the therapist you deserve to make you whole again.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks.

And thanks for the dbt info. I am starting to see how this may be a good fit for me.

 

[ghotiff]

I’m craving a diagnosis - If no-one minds, I’d like to ask is this weird?

My soon-to-be-ex T never discussed anything about diagnosis or anything vaguely clinical sounding (other than mentioning the word anxiety). I have done a lot of research and I sincerely believe that I have PTSD. Now, maybe I don’t have it at a sufficient level to be clinically diagnosed with PTSD….but it is so insanely on-sync with all my issues….and everyone’s comments here on this thread and others are so relevant, insightful and helpful that I am personally convinced.

My question is: Is it wrong to kinda-want this diagnosis. I suppose I’ve always felt like the crazy one, and in my heart I’ve always known so much of me is not normal and I’ve always felt so alone with that (my family never discussed anything, still doesn’t). I’ve spent my life trying to hide my problems, but at the moment with all this retriggering of therapy I’m really struggling to hide it and I’m worried that some people at work are going to piece some things together. (One woman did, but luckily she has enough social grace to let me know she knew, but to never mention it again).

The thing about child sexual abuse (I know I shouldn’t say this because it points to the ‘shame’ response which I’m not meant to have…)….is that I am can’t think of anything worse than having to disclose it to anyone other than my closest friends (only a few people know, and telling them was hard but absolutely necessary if the relationship was to continue – I have a minefield of triggers). There is absolutely no way with my current male boss that I could disclose my CSA.

It seems like a nice idea, to be able one day if needed, be able to tell work that I have PTSD. For example, I now have really bad days and just can’t concentrate on work (I have a intellectually demanding job, and if you can’t concentrate, you just can’t do it). I would love to take those days as legitimate ‘sick days’ rather than go to work and go through the motions so people think that I am working, when in fact all I’m doing is being stuck in my issues.

Assuming that you don’t think I’m wrong for wanting this. Is this something you can ask a therapist, or does this automatically put you in the ‘not actually sick, just making stuff up for attention’ basket. One of my big fears with telling people is that I worry that if I don’t disclose enough of my issues they will think I’m fine, but if I disclose too many they will think that I’m making it up. I’m sure this comes from my childhood…but I haven’t pieced together the why of this yet.

I would really appreciate some insight from you all. Thanks.