Poverty As A Consequence Of Ptsd

[brokenbones]

I live on $1,000 a month. This is a disability support I get from the government. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for this. I can't work because I am too sick from chronic, complex PTSD.

I deal with such bitterness that I can't work, and that I'm poor. That justice has never been paid to my abusers, and they live and make money and go out shopping and have fun. But, I can only afford to pay the rent, some (not enough) food (I am hungry a lot from lack of being able to afford groceries), and not much else. This is not living. It is barely subsisting. I need help as to how I can get over my hatred of this world, the bitterness I feel at having been through so much trauma at the hands of others, and twenty years later still suffering the consequences of other people's bad actions.

If I had money, god there is so much I need. I need clothes. I need a nice apartment (I live in a place that is not good for me). I would like to be able to buy a coffee once in a while, and not worry that I'm being extravagant.

I just see all the people who drive cars, who go shopping for clothes as a pastime, and I think, "When's it going to be my turn?" I live simply, have all my life, and am not a 'consumer'. But, this poverty thing is really grinding me to the bone. I can't afford anything. I 'make do' way too much. Does anyone have words of wisdom as to how to make it through?

 

[Red Feather]

Hi brokenbones, just a few weeks ago I didn't have enough money to buy food. My ex and abuser lives with my children. We did not split our belongings after the divorce. I was forced to leave with very little to call my own. I live in Germany and am on unemployment benefit. A few months ago I was homeless for not only the second time in my life.

I don't really call it poverty. I have been calling it surviving for years now. Still I have dreams, and I am getting enough to eat. I was really lucky and got a great place to live. I had to fight and even cheat a bit to get it, but I am really glad to have it. My home is the only thing that is giving me stability right now. PTSD can be really hard for financial reasons too... trust me I know this. I just want to say that hope and dreaming is what is keeping me a live at the moment. Not my unemployment benefit.

I also hope that hope and healing can come your way. You are worth it. You deserve healing and the best blessings for your life.

 

[Hashi]

I've had some very diffiicult times financially, and even though I'm fortunate now to be OK for the time being I worry about money and whether I can ever "catch up" and feel financially OK beyond a month or two ahead.

Please know that I absolutely hear what you're saying. Having enough is vital, and not having enough is unjust and you are right to feel the way you do.

The one thing that stands out for me in what you wrote is that your abusers live and make money and go out shopping and have fun. No-one who is happy - or even OK with themselves - would behave abusively. Your abusers may have an outwardly successful, easy or fun life, but I would say that their money and shopping and fun is actually a denial/coping mechanism, because a person must be in a very bad place to abuse someone, and that doesn't go away over time. A secure, balanced person who enjoys life does not abuse someone else. Only deeply disturbed people do that, and whatever face they present to the world, I don't believe for a moment that they're really peaceful or content.

I know this doesn't help you financially. Your financial problems are extremely difficult. I just want to suggest that your abusers are NOT doing A-OK, far from it. In contrast, you 're working hard to keep going, joining this forum, seeking support and doing your best. In the long run, my money's on you.

 

[OMNICELL]

12 step groups would be a good place for you spiritually.

I have done much resentment work. It is important to work a recovery program for spiritual purposes; working through resentments that disable. Resentments are the #1 killer of happiness.

I can forgive everyone no matter what they did to me; rape, murder, or abandonment. I pray they have everything I could ever want in this life.

Happiness is an inside job. It is possible to have CPTSD and be happy and relearn to have a great life. It starts with a journey for recovery. A recovery process.

 

[brokenbones]

Hashi, I appreciate what you wrote. I've tried to tell myself this - that my abusers are not happy people, no one who treats people like that are happy - but it is so good to hear you say it. It helps me realize it more fully, realize that they are depraved people. Thanks.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Very sobering. I am also very poor and my abusers are living very very well. I tried to think they were not happy, and went over in my head all the subtles ways a person can be unhappy......and then I realized, they will NEVER be as unhappy as I am. I have been smash.

I also have no resources and have watched my life go downhill.......but somehow I just accepted the fact that this is the way it is.

I have a new T who helps a bit but I know they can never help me recoup those very pivtal years, the years in which most people make money, start a nest egg, work their way up in their profession.....all the time I was staggering through the days, hardly able to breathe.

I find peace once in a while but not usually. My abusers have a very strong wall built up- security, religious beliefs, connectedness, things they took from me.

I have a family, somewhat. I cling to that.

 

[Trinomial]

I used to barely survive on $670 per month. I barely ate or went out because I couldn't afford to. I went to therapy weekly, sometimes twice a week when I felt very bad. I decided I wanted more money so I didn't have to live that way. I tried that "ticket to work" program, which basically gives you a few months to adjust to working, while weaning you off the government money. I worked at a day care. I enjoyed the job, but because my income effected my rent amount as well as financial aid for school, after taxes and adjustments, I was making less than a dollar an hour! Fortunately, I picked up a babysitting job that paid under the table. I quit the day care so my rent and financial aid would normalize. So at that point, I still recieved my $670 a month, plus another $100 or more per week from babysitting. That was my strategy back then.

Now I'm married. I don't get assistance any more and I don't live where people can afford sitters or nannies. Now I'm looking for something easy over the summer, like night shift at the bahavioral center since patients would be asleep and I could transition to part time when school starts in the fall.

I guess my advice is work on coping so you can do under the table work or work an odd hour job that doesn't require a whole lot of concentration. It's hard to barely survive and it does conjure a bitterness. I would love to not worry if I'll have a home a few months from now.

Good luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I used to be very poor. I had to use cloth diapers when I had my period. I know this is gross and too much information. I am sorry you are going through this. When we were poor I wore patched clothes. I did not have the money to go to a thrift store.

I did not have money of my own for 11 years. It is really hard and depressing. I did not know that I had ptsd at the time, so even though I had the symptoms, I was not dealing with it. I could not buy cute clothes for my kids. They wore what they were given. We ate but it was not very good. We too made do. It was hard on me, my brother bought a house that was being built for him. He drove a new car. His wife was a nurse. They always had new clothes and plenty to eat. They had it very easy and it was hard to watch.

We did the best we could with what we had. We would go for a drive and have bread and cheese sandwiches. It was a very hard time in our lives. I was stuck at home with the babies. It was so hard to have children and be that poor. I am glad you have a computer, you are not so isolated. You have access to support. I wish I could help you out physically, but I can only lend out emotional support. PM me anytime you need to talk. I will always understand. I am here to listen and to support. I am glad you posted about this.

I do not think your abusers are happy. I think they are in denial. I know it is very hard. The imagination plays tricks on our minds. I know you did not get any justice and are suffering and enduring. I know that words won't feed you. I sure wish I had more than words. You remind me of a very difficult time in my life. I admire you for dealing with your ptsd at the same time. I am glad you are getting help. And I am glad that you were able to vent about it. Let us know how you are doing ok? Big cyber hugs, if you take them. You are in my thoughts and prayers, hoping something will happen soon to help you out.

 

[AmyO]

I can completely understand how you are feeling right now as I was there just a few short days ago. I only get child support from our abuser and he manages to control that as well. I have three children with PTSD as well as having PTSD and MDD myself.

I agree with the others that it is great that you reached out before the anger eats you alive and will drive you further into a cave. I had to give up a lot just to escape from my situation and have started over twice from scratch with three boys in the past three years.

But, as you see, we all survived. Though it may not feel like it sometimes. Everyone keeps telling me that God doesn't give you more than you can handle and I feel that He may have more faith in me than I do.

My best opinion that I can offer you though is this...I was tired of exisisting from day to day. Ashamed when my kids would ask me for something 'whenever you get money?', and angry that he could still control me with finances. I made some calls to local agencies, vocational rehab and the like and told them my story. There are even some online resources for finding work at home things. I have found many that even though they have a small deposit, which most return, for doing assembly work at home.

I will be starting my online courses next month for transcription and already have a job lined up online after I complete it. Let me know if anything might perk your interest and I will certainly help set you up with my resources (free sample websites, couponing, etc.).

And in the long run if it may help...Karma is a wicked thing. I just found out a few months ago that our abuser has T cancer, the other molester had a brain anuerism (he is still alive), and the new wife that gave him an alibi just lost her 60 thousand a year job because she signed my name on his tax forms. All this after a year of my leaving. Good luck to you and let me know if I can help.

 

[Abrasky]

If it wasn't for my husband my parent's abuse with my work 13 years ago would have put me into poverty. It scared me I couldn't do anything, even work for 2 days a week, although apparently my PTSD would let me volunteer 2 days a week.But volunteering doesn't bring in money.

You are right that it is a crime which has no punishment. I don't think the courts would ever punish my parents for their extreme effect on my mental wellbeing. honestly some people break bones and get 100000 dollars, and I have my life taken away from me but because it is not visable no one is able to be held accountable thing really is hard to accept.

It is good that the family law has been changed to include isolating people in your family from family and friends and some emotional abuses as part of domestic violence now. They are starting to find a link between mental illness in later years and this non physical domestic violence. It helps make my parents actually be more accountable from a law perspective than ever before.

I have learned though that the only way to fight violence and wrongs is through warmth and productivity and honor, even after all the abuse and lies of my parents. As you are still clinging to that or your version of, I think you have more than your family do.

Yes it does suck however. My lack of income has meant I will probably have 2 less children than I would have with and income. (My husband and I require IVF to have a family).My family has taken away my family.

 

[Srain]

I have often times been homeless and could NOT make it on my own at this point which is sometimes terrifying. I watched my father with his hoards of $$ living in good style, those around him sucking up even though they knew what he was, hoping to get something when he finally drop dead and yet when all was said and even after beating prostate cancer (I couldn't believe it!!) he did end up alone on a highway dying of a aneurysm. So is it justice? I thought so.

Me? I am living in the sunshine with a person who respects me, is kind, surrounded by furry little love bugs, and a life I never dreamed of. I still struggle with so much but it's internal, most of my abusers are long gone, but I recall vividly feeling as you do. It's a process and it's okay to feel what you are feeling, work through it and know that you are moving separately from those that hurt so badly.

take good care,
Peace,
Rain

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am so sorry brokenbones. My heart goes out to you. I have been poor and unstable and it is not something I ever want to repeat again.I know I would have ended up homeless. I wondered how long it would have taken me to turn to drugs and prostitution. ( I did this twice. I guess I mean more prostitution then I already did).

I was just thinking about something like this today. How I get envious of those who are able to hold jobs. That are able to function without medication. For years my husband and I struggled, becasue I could not help out by working. I have thought of disability, but I don't have enough work credits. Which I think is totally unfair; I have never been stable enough.

If this is as good as my quality of life gets...this is not acceptable to me.


Hang in there, and know that you can always rant/vent and talk here. You are not alone anymore.

Take care.