Poverty As A Consequence Of Ptsd

[Spiderallis]

Situations like mine seem to run in the family. No one goes hungry or homeless, there's a routine in place. I'm getting by on help from my folks and when I'm able to I do some online work. The only good part is the gossip I heard before I lost touch with some friends of my last abuser. He was being mistaken for a homeless crack addict. I know he's sick, I offered to find him help and he didn't want it. That's what he chose. I feel bad for smiling about it but I can't stop myself from giggling.

 

[Wordgirl]

brokenbones, at the lowest point in my life, I had a dream. I was walking down a city street and I ran into Albert Einstein, who, (of course, this IS a dream) invited me up to his apartment for coffee. Once there, we were sitting on the sofa chatting, and the next thing I know I am sobbing uncontrollably on his shoulder. He put his arm around my shoulder and patted me and kept repeating (in a heavy German accent) "It will be alright. Everything will be alright, I promise." When I woke up, I felt like I had been visited by an angel. I thought, "I have no idea how everything is going to turn out alright, but if Albert Einstein told me, it has to be true." It took a long time, therapy, assistance from the state, etc., but I finally made it up and over the hump. While I still suffer from many of the symptoms of my ptsd, I am no longer as poor, or as alone.

If you are in the US, the Catholic church has an organization called the St. Vincent de Paul Society. They help people of all faiths with food, clothing, and so on. You may want to find out if they can assist you. Also, the Salvation Army is another great organization.

I think the suggestion for a 12 step program is a good idea. You'll not only find some relief from your emotional pain, but also some people who are also looking for answers to hang out with.

xo and a big ((((HUG))))!

 

[maddog]

I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have had a stable, moderately paying job for a number of years now that has allowed me to purchase a home, manage the mortgage payments and live a modest yet acceptable life with enough money for the things I need. This was in contrast to my younger days while studying, when I really did live close to the poverty line, having no financial assistance from my parents and trying to support both my sister and I on what meagre student benefits I was entitled to from the Government.

I now face the prospect of an uncertain financial future, to match the uncertainty of life in genral right now. I am currently unable to work more than a token of my standard work hours and am therefore on unpaid leave for the remainder. I am in the process of trying to apply for income protection insurance due to temporary disability, which may prevent me from having to sell my house if my current level of disability persists for much longer. Again, I remind myself I am lucky and that the prospect of insurance is a possibility for me, at least for up to 2 years.

And all this while my siblings both struggle with the uncertainty of knowing which and how many investment properties to purchase with the substantial amounts of money given to them by my parents...

This is a hard road, a thankless brutal life on so many levels for so many of us, and the colateral damage of this illness is greater and more far-reaching than I could ever have imagined. It seems so wrong that so many of us should have to struggle this way as a result of things that were done to us and in spite of the effort we all make to live our lives to the best of our ability.

I believe that as time passes and he grows older, my abuser will be confined to an empty, miserable and largely meaningless life. I try hard to comfort myself with that belief, and largely I fail, both because I can't quite internalise that it's the truth, and because somehow, in spite of everything, it doesn't bring me the joy that it perhaps should to realise that. But I'll keep trying, because I'll keep trying to believe that somehow we really do get what we deserve in life if we believe and hold out for long enough, and so perhaps he really will be sentenced to isolating miserable eternity, and perhaps we will all somehow prevail and find the simple peace of having enough of what we need to make it through.

This makes me so sad.

Maddog

 

[brokenbones]

You all bring tears to my eyes. So much hardship, so much struggle, so much fighting through. I feel better knowing I'm not alone, so thanks for your words. It sucks not being able to work. I have such social anxiety, and am so fatigued all the time, that work is just not viable right now. I have had small part-time jobs over the past few years, and wow, was that ever a boon to my finances! When you're used to living poor, even a couple hundred extra dollars a month can really go far. I feel more hope. Mostly, less alone. Everyone has such similar ideas and circumstances. Thanks again, from my heart.

 

[mamachick]

PTSD not only robs us of our sense of peace, but of financial security. I dont have much money and have not been able to work either, making it difficult to make ends meet. I am grateful that I have a place to live. I am hopeful about working a couple of days a week.

I know it is hard when we think about the abusers life going on as usual and what seems to be enjoyment. I keep reminding myself that I will not allow them to have space in my head. It has gotten much better over time. The less space, the more productive I can be, and the more productive, the less I think about it. Just telling myself NO-at the thought of the abuser and then redirecting myself has worked for me to a degree. We have to keep trying and holding onto our hope.

 

[frozen]

I deal with such bitterness that I can't work, and that I'm poor. That justice has never been paid to my abusers, and they live and make money and go out shopping and have fun. But, I can only afford to pay the rent, some (not enough) food (I am hungry a lot from lack of being able to afford groceries), and not much else. This is not living. It is barely subsisting.

You are living my life??? Because you just desribed it perfectly!

My children and I have nothing, we go nowhere, and we do nothing....I don't even have a phone. The situation we live in is directly caused by our abuser, and he gets to go on without a worry. (great job, a zillion friends, blah blah your typical sociopath)

The only regret I have in life is that I stopped him from going to work in his work shirt, boots and underwear!! :confused: I saved him so he could destroy us....that one is hard to swallow!

 

[OKRADLAK]

I believe that as time passes and he grows older, my abuser will be confined to an empty, miserable and largely meaningless life. ......and so perhaps he really will be sentenced to isolating miserable eternity.

Maddog

I enjoyed your post and do not want you tho think I am trivializing your experience.......but I used to think this until I realized that time was passing. AND I was the one who was (is) confined to the empty space, the isolating misery.

In my opinion, It is not enough for it to happen after a person has lived their lives. No, that is lucky. They have a chance to have a formed personality. They had a chance to work, to build meaning, to accept meaning without having to second guess it (religion), to go outside and just feel the sun without the ending of every thought the blackness that surrounds a life wasted from the start.

No, for me, I never had a life. I would love to only suffer at the end as opposed to a whole life.

My abusers may have a bad end. Big whoop. I have had a bad life.

I keep trying......keeping up the hope, not giving up.....but it is so hard.

 

[mamachick]

I married very young-17. My husband was very abusive. I had my head pounded several times and was uncounscious only once. He violently raped me and when our 2 yr old came in the room, he shoved her out. From that point, I never fought him again. I got out of it after 6 years. Then he stalked me and my child witnessed it regularly for a year. He broke my door down more than once. My duaghter is now grown and does not remember a lot of this but is an addict and has many problem.

I realized that I had forgiven him about 10 years ago. My life was much more productive and peaceful as a result. He was raised by a raging mother and a bi-polar father. He was only 19 when we married, etc. I was not longer angry and felt sorry for him, even though he finaaly was rung out of town and never paid any child support and we struggled horribly.

Last year I found out that at age 54, he has a lung disease and will not survive beyond 3 years. He is trying to reconnect with his daughter but is still a jerk. He has never apologized to me but I expect it as he has been traveling 8 hrs to be in this city regularly. Makes no matter to me. That is about his conscience and his meeting his maker. If God forgives him, that is what is important. Over the years, he has made a good living and drives Lexus, Jag, corvette , harley, etc. Has home, boats, blows money. Now his medical bills is eating ups his saving. He is on oxygen 24 hrs day. His lungs are hardening or crystalizing and transplant survival is only 50%. I wish him nothing bad. I just know there is Karma.

 

[OKRADLAK]

I wish him nothing bad. I just know there is Karma.

My abusers are doing so well it makes me stagger. I keep thinking there is Karma.....yet when I see that they have never paid for what they did to me or anyone else while I am the one who suffers......it just can't be. Nothing in my life has been as bad as what they have done, yet they are doing great and they are too old now to have any trauma make any difference. Even if they get ill and suffer now, they will not have had their whole life altered. Just a bit at the end. That is not Karma. That is the strong pounding on the weak and the weak folding in and dying. :(

It is great that you have this little bit of peace and I am not taking away from that......:D Just that most of us who suffer....for most of us, the fate of the abusers never equals the nightmare of our own.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Injustice is hard. I am sorry you are struggling with this one. I think it is insidious. What you see is the big illusion. It is crazymaking and dysfunctional and they are not better off. They are passing on the generational cycles of abuse. They are toxic to be around. It is not happy for them

I struggled with this one too, until i realized that they are living in illusion. It is just an illusion. They are good at hiding and keeping the family secrets. They are masters at putting on a public face. But the get worse as they get older. It is not good. They are living in unreality. They are very good at what they do. It would be great to see them suffer like we have suffered. But that is not always the case.

I have no answers, only I hope that one day you will find peace concerning these things. It can really tear a person up. For years I wanted them to suffer. My dad died of a bad cancer. He was in alot of pain. he had one son taking care of him. He had 5 children. So he was basically alone. My mom was killed in a plane crash. The grand parents died living with other relatives. I have so little family now. There is a family that caused so much anguish for me. they have survived well. They have family, they have many friends, and they have money. They have all of their kids. They do not suffer.

I had to move to get away from them. I still have a ache when I think of them. they are not a happy family. They have their traditons and routines of getting together. They are control freaks, and control the livesof their adult kids. They are a religous cult family. I do not see them suffering. but they are passing on the generational cycles of abuse onto their kids and grandkids. I am so grateful to be free of them.

I have not had contact with them for over a year so some of it is still fresh. I gather my healing from them one day at a time. I will never know how it turns out for them. I hope this helps and is to the point. I so wanted to see them suffer. I wanted them to pay for what they did to me and to my family.

My daughter divorced their son. He is still dragging her into court to get his child support reduced. He does this to her twice a year. He abandoned his daughter, and he has nothing to do with her. He adopted a child and is using this to prove hardship so he does not have to pay so much. My daughter says he is trying to wear her down so she will give up and he won't have to pay childsupport. So she keeps going back to court. They did so manyillegal things. It still bothers me, but not as bad as it once did. It threatened to devour me. I had to get over this the best way I could. Sorry if I got off topic. Some people are so toxic. It is so insidious.

I have to focus on making a better life for myself now. And this is what I focus on. I am amazed at how deep the feelings of this still affect me. I do not want to get bitter over this. Sorry this is so long. I hope it helped. If not please toss it. My heart goes out to you. Take care and be wll.

 

[ms spock]

I really relate to yours and a lot of other posts here brokenbones.

Tis hard to live in poverty.

My parents have gone on to live 'happy lives' because one is a psychopath and the other is a sociopath. They are not on the normal spectrum of things and so they don't feel the normal things that people who are more there feel like remorse or loss.

I did read about karma a lot (in my endless search) and it is a little bit more complicated than that - Himmler, Hitler and Gobbels had bad karma - and a lot of people suffered for that. That was not their fault.

I guess what I am holding on to at the moment, is, that though my circumstances are tough and my life not easy, at least I have survived enough to work towards something better. Maybe that will eventuate and maybe that won't but I will go on that path and try and be as kind to myself as I can.

I have been very physically sick and unwell.

I have been feeling a lot of grief for the things I missed out on and missed like having some safety and kindness and love in childhood and for missing out on those friendship building skills.

I am at a deficit because I missed out on so much parenting and care and love. The PTSD has curbed so much for me too. This is a real shame. I am working on it but it is hard.

I feel for you so much, I really do. I don't know if this helps at all but I have been looking to self soothing - for things I can do for me like listening to music that speaks to me and painting a bit, when I am well enough. I hope you have some self soothing things that you are able to do for yourself that bring you a bit of relief and respite.

 

[Taven Carlsen]

One thing that kept me under control during The Crazy Times was knowing that The Crazy People were not happy, although they pretended. My mother had a fake grin all the time, more like a leer. But she missed my father horribly and it was wrecking her mind. The police were alienating the people in our county by harassing me. The judge who was framing me, I couldn't understand him - until I saw him in the halls outside of court and thought he was a dressed-up toddler. He must've been harassed by boys my age when he was my age for being a dwarf. Then my father showed up (gone for years) and did his best to sneer and leer and involve himself in trouble (when he wasn't whining about how depressed he was and how much he resents my mother's controlling/commanding).

Being a villain doesn't correlate with opportunity for a good life.