Power fantasies and "replaying" events

[1nkblott]

I find that when I go through an unhappy event, I can get stuck in my head for hours replaying a "reimagined" version of the situation where I have power over it in some way. For example, I recently joined a "positive" group space that turned out to be full of overly-critical people who suddenly flipped on a dime, revealed they had really stupid problems with me, and did not like me for whatever reason in spite of me doing my best to be sociable, respectful and what have you. I've been pretty pissed about it for weeks on end since the "talks" I've gotten, and I repeatedly will fantasize at night about getting revenge or hoping something misfortunate happens to all those who wronged me. And this is just one event, but you get the idea, right?

This has always been a thing in my life, and it's something I feel a lot more guilty about these days. I just assume it was something everybody did at some inevitable low point of their lives. Is this something that's common with CPTSD? Or am I just overthinking stuff?

 

[Carlito2017]

Very relatable. As a bullied seven year old kid I used to dream about learning karate and surprising my bullies by opening a can of whoopass on them.

These days the 'power' I daydream about is just... someone caring about my feelings. I fantasize about having arguments with former friends who have let me down, and in those fantasies they just... listen, and react in ways that show they actually care about my feelings. In reality the only reaction I ever get is "Who cares? I don't owe you anything" And that's right - they don't. Nobody owes it to me to listen to my feelings, much less take them into account. I wish they would choose to, and in my dreams I'm valuable enough to them to motivate such a choice.

I think those of us who carry relational trauma tend to do this a lot. We tend to have to deal with smugness and aloofness from others, with the fact that they don't care - and so we fantasize about giving them something that they will *have* to care about.

 

[Muttly]

I think fantasizing is fairly common. Even "normal" people can engage in fantasizing. The key question is does it cause you any harm. If it's inhibiting your functioning or healing in some way, then it's a problem.

If it's bothering you, you can also try to find ways to turn it into a positive. Like slightly shifting the narrative. So for example, instead of getting revenge, you form your own group and it's such a positive experience it helps you become more successful.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings...

At mercy of the same basic dynamic here; i.e. various memories of interpersonal disempowerment 'on shuffle' within my head, whereas without much conscious input from myself, I time travel back to the time, back to the moment and role play much more aggressive defensive strategies that weren't resorted to in-period, subsequently experiencing guilt for not coming up with anything better for what seems random historical rumination without stop, without cease.

Always angry just beneath the surface then, whereas in particular, I don't like driving given my capacity to self-regulate often comes apart. Just to get through my days I think I carry myself almost as a high masking autistic consistent with memorizing scripts to communicate needs both as simply and consistently as I may given I don't trust myself to extemporize and let loose in a conversational sense; i.e. traumatic recall floods in and I become a George C. Scott madman convinced I'm fighting the good cause to the bewilderment of onlookers...

I loathe the intensity of the recall, loathing still more that it all replays in my head as though it were the newest, freshest thing ever experienced when I know for a fact that it's all been (unsuccessfully) mulled before. Also a long history of existing on the social margins, having been bullied and later subject to adult form social/workplace aggression if you will, whereas it's spooky at times to take an oblique interest in instances whereby other faceless people who've doubtlessly experienced the sharp end of a comparable interpersonal power dynamic to lay waste coworkers, past or present 'colleagues', etc. I'm not like that - but how dissimilar am I for silently relishing a bit of payback when the CPTSD legacy/recall is not mine to just drop into a box and shelve? Gus Van Sant's fictional film depiction of a high school shooting in his production of Elephant from 2003 is for me particularly difficult to process for it's all too believable. Certainly, I don't like or approve of what I'll term the 'one bad apple' thesis concerning many a high-profile event when I carry within myself hot memories of social aggression carried to the limit and beyond...

I don't know if it equates to some self-styled adaptive strategy at present, but for reasons unknown I'm carrying about in my head maybe five to eight very distinct and multi-dimensional personality profiles of people I've clashed with even if very few words were offered up by myself back in the day to afford even the rudiments of personal character defense. It's strange; i.e. rather like the experience of an old-school arcade game where some horrible archetype is dialed up in my head and a certain battle is rejoined without real hope of closure.

In a manner of speaking, writing things out helps, firming up impressions of dynamics unquestionably out of alignment and unequal rooted in this textured circumstance and that. It's something that can begin to knock down the tendency to believe the recall is 'all new' stuff, or that the 'dawning awareness' and personal capacity to 'connect the dots' as to what transpired back in the day ranging into the present really needs to be started from scratch again if the written draft of the record starts to evidence quality and care for staring back at you. A solution then? No - but something that does help to take the edge off; i.e. this happened and no one will casually dismiss the impact of this or that particular dynamic upon my life course.

Please don't be knocked out by unpleasantness experienced across message boards for the usual awfulness of the uninhibited lashing out in anonymity. Across the PTSD boards there are more than a few people who in their own way are very bright, although perhaps less conscious of their limitations with regards to endlessly dispensing advice. Yes - many are more insightful for having experienced what they've revealed about themselves vs. professionals with a D.S.M. V in their lap, although factor in too that dysregulation is a constant and continually elaborated upon theme of what people discuss across these platforms, with those seeking aid and select some leaning in and affording replies inadvertently triggering each other. Further, it can be wise to register the number of replies/posts another has clocked given some demonstrate a capacity for restraint, while others - well, not so much!