Prayer And Forgiveness

[Bees Are Awesome]

I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and after a 12 Step meeting last night I stayed after to chat with my sponsor. Besides being female and in recovery, we are as different as can be. She is an older conservative divorced Christian woman with no kids while I am a youngish liberal non-religious married woman with 2 kids. Despite this we generally get along well.

She knows I have PTSD but knows next to nothing about my traumas except for the incident when I was held captive in a man's house and assaulted. She knows that I am working with a therapist to help deal with all of my issues. I don't remember how it came up in the conversation but last night she asked me if he was still in jail (I never reported it) or if I had ever Googled him (No idea what his last name is). I thought it was kind of a weird line of questioning but I just rolled with it.

Then she asked me, "Have you prayed for him?" NO. She suggested I pray for him, even if it is just a simple "Bless him, change me" prayer. She also asked me if I have forgiven him. NO. She told me that I need to forgive him in order to have peace in my heart and that if I don't, I am continuing to let him have power over me.

Oh, so the only things I need to do to be healed is just pray for him and forgive him? Then I will just be magically cured of PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc and can finally lead a normal life? That will enable to me to just "let it go" and "stop thinking about it?" Well hot damn, why the f*ck didn't I do that years ago? I'm sure the flashbacks, nightmares and memories will all just stop then.

It is one thing to forgive someone who didn't purposely hurt me. It is quite another to try to forgive someone who consciously and purposely hurt me and enjoyed it, without caring how it affected me or the damage it caused. And I am supposed to pray for good things for him? I can't do it. I don't even WANT to think about him EVER but that is forced on me too with flashbacks and nightmares.

She wasn't trying to hurt or insult me. I think she was just trying to help. It just made things worse. I have heard similar things from my mom and others. None of my friends or family understand. I can't blame them for what they don't know. I just feel like such an oddity and a freak. This whole situation just adds to the hopelessness I feel.

I don't even really know why I wrote this post. I guess I just needed to talk about it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I believe that the Higher power wants you to heal and recover rather than what she said to you. I know she was sharing the truth she owned but I doubt seriously if she had walked in your shoes she would have shared that with you.

You have a right to be your true self and sadly comments like what you received really can mess with your mind.

My heart goes out to you in your recovery process of what you suffered and endured.

You cannot forgive evil.

I think the major thing is to be able later on to give up the hatred for it will eat you up. I lived in hatred for so many years of my life but that is what I had to go through. I think it is a process.

Be gentle with yourself and be kind and pamper yourself you deserve it so much. I will also guess that you are a very good mom.

Be careful who you share with, ignorance kills the life spirit within you.

That is where she is and you are you in a very different place. One baby step at a time.

 

[WildMermaid]

@Unraveling1 you forgive who you want and f*ck whatever the the rest of the world wants. What she said I'm sure she did say out of care for you, but she had no right to ask that of you. I will never forgive the one that trapped me, and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about that. As @gizmo said, be kind to yourself and you have the right to be your true and authentic self.

 

[Chava]

She wasn't trying to hurt or insult me. I think she was just trying to help. It just made things worse.

I'm sure she's trying to help...and totally understand she isn't. AA seriously saved my life. But you don't have to swallow one sponsor's entire version of recovery. It's good to use the program but also find someone who will help you fit some of those principles to your own life. Trauma is different than average resentments. I had a sponsor try to help me find "my part" in a childhood sexual exploitation sort of thing. She was stumped but trying since that was her "job" when it came to the inventory. She decided my part was that I didn't tell anyone. I felt very f***ed in the head by that response. Wish I hadn't said anything.

Just tell her you don't feel ready for what she's suggesting...and ask what more reasonable things you can do. There are many ways to enjoy and grow in sobriety and be free of alcohol. It doesn't have to mean forgiving abusers and praying for them. I do think that's better left to therapy. Good sponsors know they have limits and support our work in therapy. Maybe together you will find ways to work with some of your past hurts in ways that don't feel impossible or unhelpful.

Also, keep trying different meetings and keep your ears open. Some people bomb out with one sponsor and give up. I don't even have a sponsor right now (I do recommend it though, especially early on, but it's important to find someone who you have faith in to help you on this journey). Maybe it will work out with this sponsor, maybe you will find someone else who will feel like a better fit for your recovery work.

 

[shrinkingviolet]

I am a Christian too but forgiveness is your choice, period and shouldn't be forced on you as well as praying for him. I am sure she meant well but you are not responsible for him. Forgiveness is not the same as condoning. I did forgive both my attackers but it was for me, not them. I needed to let the hate go and for me, it was taking back my life.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Op
I love it when Christians twist the forgiving thing beyond its true intent! God forgives those WHO REPENT. To say that you need to forgive someone who hasn't even apologized or tried to make things right is to hold man to a higher standard than God.

 

[Beachlife09]

It is one thing to forgive someone who didn't purposely hurt me. It is quite another to try to forgive someone who consciously and purposely hurt me and enjoyed it, without caring how it affected me or the damage it caused. And I am supposed to pray for good things for him? I can't do it.

Let's look at these sentences from a Biblical stand point for a second: Jesus Christ was betrayed by a close friend of His, then mocked, spit upon, beaten, publicly humiliated, whipped, and died an agonizing, suffocating, death via crucifixion. All of those things the Romans did intentionally. They didn't care about the utter pain it was all causing Him. They "enjoyed it" (to use your own words). But what did Jesus pray to The Father?- "Father, forgive them, for They know not what They do." -Luke 23:34 (Emphasis mine)
So yes, it is another thing to forgive someone who purposely hurt you. And that's what The Gospel revolves around- Christ gave us what we do not deserve. And it's the same thing our offenders do not deserve, but it is what we are called to give: It's love and forgiveness.

And as a survivor of torture, rape, abuse, kidnapping, trafficking, and many other things none of Y'all even know about- It IS possible to forgive and it is so very very freeing. i pray that You will all be able to experience this too.

Also, forgiveness is not saying that what the person/people did was okay.
To quote the book "Hush: Moving from silence to healing after childhood sexual abuse", "...forgiveness isn't about the perpetrator. It's about breaking the power of abuse that keeps us chained to our abuser. Forgiveness frees us to continue moving toward the light up ahead."

 

[Deleted member 28942]

You don't have to forgive. You can forgive if you feel ready even if that happens in 10 years or never. First you need to work on your feelings. First you need to acknowledge your reality.

 

[Beachlife09]

You cannot forgive evil.

This world would be a completely bitter, sad, and hopeless place if that were true. i praise God that i can forgive and thank Him that He forgave me! :happy:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Beachlife09

Again, twisting of the bible. Jesus himself doesn't do the forgiving and he was the one killed! He threw it up to GOD to do the forgiving.

Thus this scripture is useless once more for "proving" that humans MUST forgive!

Ps

Your superior attitude with your trauma is unbecoming. Just because you've had worse and have forgiven doesn't mean everyone can.

 

[The Albatross]

I think it is important to remember that the purpose of AA/NA is to arrest the alcohol or drug addiction/abuse. It is the philosophy of 12 step that willpower or self directed intent without assistance from peers/a sponsor/higher power can fail and result in a lapse or relapse that could result in death, incarceration, or further physical or mental impairment.

Steps 1, 2, and 3 are basically: I can't, He/She/It can, I think I'll let him is the HOW of the program (honesty, open mindedness, and willingness). Early in recovery it's the 1-2-3 waltz. Biblically, there is much to say in the Bible about the benefits of responding to life situations by offering a "blessing". However, for the purposes of substance abuse recovery it is more often moot or irrelevant as the Higher Power may not even be Jesus... it is "the God/god of their understanding" until the person has some solid abstinence. The willingness, to at least attempt a suggestion from a sponsor is the more significant thing in the program.

It is a perceptual shift away from self direction and toward the wisdom/experience of the group, the sponsor and their individual higher power. One man in my group's higher power was his guitar and he got and stayed sober long term... because it was the "god" of his understanding. There is though a sound basis for 12 step and it can and does work, if you work it and can be open to suggestions, honest, and willing.

Perhaps your present sponsor is not a good fit, as you get to know others in your home group or you vary your meetings, you can meet a sponsor with a character more in line with "what you want"... It is good to choose sponsors who have character in line with who we are or want to be like when we're sober or our addiction is arrested. It is a mentorship. OR:

There are secular recovery groups for substance abuse/addiction for those who are not inclined to be willing or open to the suggestion of prayer.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Thank you all so much for your responses and please pardon my delay in responding.

I must say that it is really comforting to know that there are others who understand what it is like to be an addict in recovery as well as dealing with all the issues that come with PTSD and trauma recovery. Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice.

To those posting Christian/Biblical points of view, I thank you as well. I can appreciate that your beliefs and faith are helpful in dealing with your recovery and forgiveness of your abusers. I am sincerely glad that it works for you.

@gizmo Thanks so much for your kind and comforting words, especially knowing you are going through some difficult anniversaries. I hope you are also being gentle with yourself and pampering yourself too.

@WildMermaid I am trying hard to not worry so much about others and what they think. Thanks for the reminder that I can just be me.

@The Albatross I am certain that my 12 Step fellowships, sponsors, and other recovering addicts have saved my life more than once. Thank goodness for the part of the program that emphasizes a god of my own understanding. I am going on 3 years of sobriety and my idea of a higher power has continued to morph and change the longer I am in the program. However, as you suggested, I could stand to work on my willingness and being open minded. Thank you for the reminder.

@Chava I really like my sponsor as a person. We get along well. It is becoming more and more evident to me, however, that as a sponsor she isn't a good "fit" for me. I didn't really choose her, so to speak, but she offered to sponsor me after my previous sponsor relapsed. Thank you for reiterating my thoughts.

@shrinkingviolet I love the concept of forgiving your abusers for yourself and not for them. I hope I can get to that place someday where I am able to release the hatred. I have a lot more trauma work to do.

@Beachlife09 It is quite evident that you are very strong in your Christian faith. I appreciate your input. I understand where you are coming from a biblical perspective as for a great many years of my life I identified as a Christian and studied the Bible. However, at this point in my life the Bible is not an authority or guidebook for me. I do hope, however, that forgiveness is something I can look at in the future if that is what is right for me.