Privacy Fence - Good Idea?

[nycowboy]

I am in therapy, and have been for a year. I was bullied as a kid and PTSD manifests itself in fear of the unfamiliar - especially people I don't know but can't escape from - NEIGHBORS. We got these two ladies next to us.

They are actually pretty quiet. But the one is the loud city-girl type - has two motorcycles. She is kind of scary to me. I came home from church on Easter and they had put up a hammock in their yard that morning - kind of ruined my day after that - to me, it was a big INVASION even though it wasn't near the property line.

Now last night I went out into the backyard and "Broomhilda" had put some kind of annoying security light on their house - that freaked me out - I hate lights shining on our house - again it invades my space and I don't feel safe.

The light turned out to be not too bad, really. Not that bright. But it is still there. Then Saturday she parked her motorcycle in the yard, again where I could see it. Just scary to me. I've had it. I finally got the courage up to call someone to get an estimate to put up a privacy fence for my own security and so I don't have to see what is going on over there.

But of course, I think, oh. Now they are going to feel great and be outside a lot more and make noise and have parties and....

I'm in a tizzy. Privacy fence: good idea or bad idea.

 

[digger]

Hmmm. I have to say I'm reading this and thinking that what they do on their own property is kind of up to them. It doesn't sound like they're doing anything particularly unusual or antisocial? So yep, if you don't want to see it, put up a fence. The only thing I'd be wary of is that it might reinforce your feelings that what they are doing is in some way threatening, when in fact it is more the case that the PTSD is making you perceive it that way.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah maybe short term but be aware it is a compensation. One of "our own" here had a privacy fence removed and it caused them quite a problem.

 

[Barberian]

Without making a huge post, I use large vehicles strategically placed to basically box in my front yard. There are obviously gaps, but I feel much safer with them. An RV in the street, an old U-Haul truck in the driveway. If someone, or something is bothering me (which happens often), I move so something is blocking the view. It's open enough to give me exposure to "the world", but not too restrictive to feed my agoraphobia.

 

[catjudo]

A privacy fence has its pros and cons. I like mine because I don't want to feel like my neighbors can see me or watch me when I'm in my backyard...I want to fee like I have some privacy, thus why the fence is named as such. However, there are times that my privacy fence can make me feel as though I am trapped in my backyard and have a limited ability to escape should I be confronted or cornered by someone or something. I think I use my backyard less with the fence than I would without it because my fear of feeling trapped is greater.

 

[Loner]

I hope this doesnt come off as insensitive, but you do realize they have every right to behave as they are right? It kind of sounds like you do realize that, I just wanted to check. Nothing wrong with putting up a privacy fence, it surely won't hurt your neighbors at all.

I would, however, suggest that the most effective means of dealing with this stress is to become accustomed to it and to be ok with it. There are so many things in the world that can stress us out, avoidance and isolation are coping strategies but they are no way to live your entire life. Sometimes we need a safe place to retreat to when things are too hectic or stressful, but creating an ever safer and smaller bubble will not help you to deal with the world at large in the long run.

I hope that helps.

 

[Hashi]

I think the best idea would be to work on your own reactions, in line with what Loner and digger have said. I know doing that isn't easy, but I think it would bring you much more peace of mind to address why this is bothering you so much.

I think putting up a hammock in their own backyard is not an invasion of you or your property. Nor is a security light. At the same time, I can understand feeling like that if you're alert is too high, as is the case for many of us. To me, it's about recognising a gap between my reaction and what's actually happening/what's reasonable to expect.

I think if you are hyper-vigilant, then the best way to deal with that is not to try to control your environment. You can never control it enough. The best thing to do is to work on the hyper-vigilance. This really can be done. I used to be terrified if I heard people talking in the street outside. Now, they could have a party out there for all I mind (actually they do, sometimes). Rather than reacting to what other people were doing, it was much more effective to work on myself.

 

[scout86]

My "dream house" is at the end of a LONG dead end road, with a gate and no neighbors closer than 5 miles, so I may be the wrong person to weigh in on this. I'd vote for the fence. You probably need to work on feeling more comfortable around people, but the whole "they might be watching me" thing would bother me on my best days. You should be able to enjoy being out in your yard. You probably aren't quite cut out to be a "city person".

 

[nycowboy]

Again, scout, you and I are two peas in a pod. I live in a small town/village, and I really don't like having people next to me. I just want my space. That is the way I am.

 

[nycowboy]

I'm posting this separately to the reply to scout.

You all have given me quite a bit to think about here. I really really appreciate what you have told me. It has certainly given me a LOT to think about. Yes, I do realize that they aren't doing anything wrong or illegal with their hammock or security light. And they take care of their dog too. And, honestly, I had never thought about how a fence is a) a coping strategy and b) could cause me to feel more closed in.

Here is more of the rest of the story to this issue. My family and I live in a small village that isn't suburban but a bedroom community to a medium-sized city about 25 minutes north. The street where we live is OK, but not the best. Parts of it are nice, parts are pretty bad (drugs and skeevie people). Fortunately, I live in one of the better parts. Our neighborhood is quiet. We have lived there for 13 years. I wish that we had moved to a more wide-open space, but the money isn't there. We have a railroad in the back yard. Fortunately it moves slowly. The hardest thing, though, is that we have renters on both sides of our house.

The house to the left is a duplex. One couple has lived there 9 years, but the other apartment - let's see, there have been 6 or 7 sets of people. Plus on the other side is a single-family house. There have been 4 sets of people there. In the house next to them, there have been at least 5 sets of people. Are you getting the picture? In our little neighborhood, I think we are on about 21 sets of new people moving in, and that's only in about 10 houses or so.

Our neighbors across the street, however, have been there as long as we have :) There is just a big lack of stability in our neighborhood that is very hard on me. I just get used to people and they move. I thrive on the familiar and it is so hard to always be adjusting to new neighbors. I have stopped trying to be friends with people because they always end up moving away.

I managed to make friends with a guy next door and he got evicted :( It was hard. Even helped with a lawyer situation to keep him there, but it didn't work. And the people on the sides of us always are just so, well, different from me. I feel like I have nothing in common with them, and when I do try to be friendly, I get the cold shoulder. So I just give up. I know, I can hear it from you all, woe is me... but it's true.

It has just been so very very hard on me. If it were just me, I'd move in 5 minutes, but as my wife tells me, I'd find something wrong with the new neighborhood as well.

With the new people next door (the two ladies) - they started blasting their music from their truck out in the yard last fall. Ok. I could hear it in the house with the windows closed. I got up the courage and asked the neighbor to turn the music down. She got huffy with me and started telling me that if I could show it to her in writing, she would. I ended up calling the cops because I needed the protection.

I got really scared. We have a very strict noise ordinance in our village, and they were in violation of it. Thankfully, there have been no more issues. BUT, the downside is now I am on high alert.

And with our weather getting better this time of year, it makes me even more hypervigilant. I am slowly learning to deal with it, and have started desensitization therapy (going outside for 5 minutes), but it is so hard. I'm afraid of being yelled at again.

It was the same thing with the previous neighbor - young guy. I decided to go over and be friendly and get off on the right foot and I was greeted with "Hi. I was going to come over to your house. Is it ok if my band rehearses here every Saturday afternoon for 3 hours?"

He didn't even tell me his name. I was like, "no." I wasn't mean or rude. But that put me on instant high alert.

Thought process:

I'm going to be friendly.
Go over and say "hi." Be brave. You can do this.
(think about this for a week)
Finally get up the courage and go over there.
New neighbor is unfriendly.
New neighbor doesn't like me. (Kind of like the kids when I was at school).
I'm not cool enough. I'm "different."
Treat neighbor as enemy with resulting hypervigilance.

I just can't break the cycle. I try to be nice and it backfires. :( I know, I know. Victim statements.

I just am thinking that if I put up a fence at least it will create a physical barrier with next door, so they can have their privacy too (so I will be less tempted to be outside and "guard" my property when they are out - I'm starting to do this less but the temptation is there. Then too, when I look out and see the fence, I'll feel safe and not feel like the neighbors are out to get me.

I'm just so very torn here. I can't take neighbors any more...

We did have a nice lady (I think, don't know, but think she has some "issues" - trauma-wise) but when she moved in she came right over and was really friendly and nice to me and to my family. Very positive. And I don't have any issues with her. It was like this:

she was friendly to me.
She thinks I'm OK.
I must be OK then.
She is nice.
I don't have to be on guard with her.

I hate the whole situation but I am so puzzled. I'm scared to talk to the other ladies, and I really hate feeling like I'm being watched in my backyard. My flower gardens are there and I'm starting to hate going out there because I'm afraid. Before the people next to the two ladies moved (this last weekend - here we go - yet another new set of neighbors) - those people used to sit outside and watch me. I'm not making this up. They used to turn their chairs to face me in my yard.

Help... I know the issue here is deep-seated childhood fear, anxiety, and PTSD from bullying. But I just don't know what to do...

 

[Loner]

Yea I've had some neighbors that didn't like me either. Maybe it isn't cus you're weird, maybe its just because they are unfriendly? Or maybe people are standoffish at first and take time to warm up to someone? Other people have issues too you know. Maybe your desire to interact with them on a friendly basis is too overwhelming to them?

This will probably sound insensitive, and I don't mean it to be, I'm just trying to offer a different perspective, but who cares about these people? Their ability to effect your life and emotional state is 98% determined by how effect you let them have on you, and how much power you give them.

You can't spend your whole life wasting mental energy on overanylizing every tiny little thing someone else might be thinking.

 

[The Albatross]

Not sure why you are so focused on controlling your environment rather than initiating personal strategies and changes to form a degree of safety/tolerance about where you are living?

My shrink told me, it is not up to the world to conform to me, it is up to me to develop the tools and skills I need to live in the world.