Problems with T... again!

[grit]

Hi sietz

Hope your therapy situation has improved.

I read your diary (the first post and few responses).

First I really admire your strength. Sometimes the amount of human strength it takes to survive in some situations really makes my heart sink.

You never had a childhood. You became the parents from a very early on.

Both your parents failed you. I am sitting here wishing you find that same drive that get you through the hand you dealt and find the therapist to help you along.

You deserve to be loved and relieved from doing it alone.

May love and peace find you.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @grit :hug:

 

[Starfire]

I've come to the realisation that it's 1/3 my problem, 1/3 not enough actual education in the areas I need in my country, 1/3 T's problems.

I'm upset with a lot of things in therapy, and am trying to figure out if I should continue or not.
It's the 3 month mark now, and at the end of the first month I made a post here on which folks suggested I need to feel safe in therapy in order to be able to trust T and the process. I still don't feel safe in there.

I feel she's too invasive, too sure of her assumptions, too condescending, she doesn't really understand the symptoms I have and even flat out told me I wasn't dissociating when I clearly was. Saying it like this, I figure the first line of thought is: Ok, Sietz, time to move on to a new one.

But... at the same time, we're working some difficult things, so I think I do want to run away from it too, it's not just her.

I think there's this generalised approach Ts use that usually work for people, that isn't working for me.
I have clear goals for what I want from therapy, how I want to do it and what should it look like, mostly because her suggestions seem to fall short on my actual needs, for instance the hypnotherapy bit.

She did something last month that upset me a lot, led me to lie to her and burry it. I created a safe space inside myself years ago, and she wants to know the details of it, to be welcomed in it. My first thought was "Well, no. f*ck you lady"... but I didn't say it.
Then she said it's the patient's obligation to trust their Ts. I don't think trust is an obligation, I think you earn it. If I sense it as an obligation, for sure what will happen is that trust will never occur.

Plus, she's trying this fluffy version of my relationship with my mother that just doesn't represent reality. My mom did a lot of shit when I was growing up, she's different now though and we actually have a good relationship, but there is a lot of resentment inside me still - I wanted to deal with that. Her solution? Cook my mom breakfast every morning. :rolleyes:

It all seems stupid to be honest. My head keeps saying the word stupid regarding this therapy.

Sorry for the long text.
Anyone has any thoughts if I'm thinking correctly and it's time to shop around?
Or if I'm finding flaws because I want to avoid dealing with the hard stuff?

Thanks :)

Ok, I've thought about.....it's the patient's obligation to trust their T...line for a couple days now. Trust, like respect, IMHO, is earned & shared then offered. It's not like one does step 1 then step 2, step 3 and trust magically appears. One doesn't reach in a pocket pull out trust & hand it to another person. It's like chemistry between two people. It's built by the interaction of two people. So I've concluded it is as much a T's obligation to foster/earn trust as a client's to accept it. Been thru a number of Ts. I've learned a lot from each one. Now I have one that I truly trust. It has made all the difference in working on the true core issues. Not easier, but literally life changing. Just my humble opinion. Wish you well.

 

[Freida]

Trust has been an issue with her from the beginning and it doesn't sound like you are any more comfortable with her, but I think you are right to question is it her or is it the topic? I like my T but it took a long time (over a year) before I trusted her with the topics I needed to address. There is no way I could have done it in 3 months. If we had gotten there that fast I think I would have been in the same place you are. So I guess the real question is - how do you build that trust in the first place with someone you don't know? Maybe that is the conversation the two of you need to have?


.

 

[whiteraven]

She did something last month that upset me a lot, led me to lie to her and burry it. I created a safe space inside myself years ago, and she wants to know the details of it, to be welcomed in it. My first thought was "Well, no. f*ck you lady"... but I didn't say it.

My inside safe place is not open to ANYBODY and I don't describe it to anyone, either. It would not be safe anymore if I did.

Then she said it's the patient's obligation to trust their Ts.

Just no. Trust can never be seen as an obligation. If she is not willing to *earn* your trust, I would question her ability to help at all.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks everyone for your input on this. There seems to be a consensus. I will go to the next appointment and explain my frustrations.

 

[Abstract]

flat out told me I wasn't dissociating when I clearly was

es, that I was getting tired.

You tell her you are experiencing a and she says you arent. This would be enough for me I'm afraid. But I have had a similar situation before I understood my symptoms and it really harmed me. If she doesn't understand your symptoms enough and isn't open to really hear your experiences as a partner in recovery then personally I can't see how this could work for you. I hope she can hear what you are saying and give you what you need. Good luck.

 

[ILoveLife]

If she doesn't understand your symptoms enough and isn't open to really hear your experiences as a partner in recovery then personally I can't see how this could work for you

I do very much agree with this.
Also happened to me before and did me a lot of harm.

 

[Maroon731]

Plus

Do you think it is possible she asked you to make breakfast for your Mom because by doing that it would really emphasize the resentment, if you have any? I mean if your relationship is good, this would be a benign task (assuming you like to cook)? Anyway, seems like an odd request so just guessing here.
Also, on the trust thing I find the blind trust because someone has a "therapist" label is BS. I have written some about my struggle with telling my therapist my story. One thing she did recently that spun me out was lie about knowing me to other people that I know. Her argument was that she didn't want to give up my confidence. But after a year and telling her I can't deal with "hidden" relationships - she still did this. Anyway, I have an appt in a week and hope to resolve this concern one way or another. I might add this to my thread since it is not directly related to you, but, trusting a therapist right off the bat with everything seems unreasonable to me. And what if that trust changes down the road (to my point about lying she knows me, or I have seen other odd things that make people change). So sharing your safe space doesn't seem necessary in my opinion, that is your space. Maybe you can give your safe space a word that she can use to reference (doesn't EMDR do this already, that is as far as I got with EMDR).
Best to you -

 

[grit]

Hi Sietz,

I have been reading a lot of the responses and I am wondering would you mind sharing what exactly you want from the therapist but you are not getting?

I am only asking this because I too have similar issues in therapy in such that there are a lot of trauma (the source that started the wheel) which happened pre-language. And therapists are only trained for language intervention really. No therapist can truly feel what another person is feeling. The only other person who can come close to feeling what another one is feeling is a mother an infant even then the mother fails epicly few times and the baby fails to communicate what he/she wants few times.

I am just putting this question to you: Is it possible that no therapist can understand your pain truly and perhaps the way to heal for you or me or anyone that has childhood trauma is to find the solution start within? I know this sounds canned response and I am truly going through this as well but I am stuck at this point. Maybe they cannot help because I have the solution and it is matter of time and effort on my part with a good enough relationship to see it through.

How are you today? What is the worst case scenario if you leave this therapist and find another one?

Thank you for starting this really deep thread...therapists are extremely limited if they never had trauma or had a person very close to them experience this. I am little suspicious school can truly teach about trauma in practical sense...maybe in theory sense or more research and clinical but dealing with a real person is tricky.

 

[hithere]

trust is not an olbigation and that would really just make me mad. good for you not letting her know details of your safe space. the whole thing is just hard. if you don't have anything that you can point to from 3 months that has made any difference, is something you want to keep doing. ?

 

[ILoveLife]

Do you think it is possible she asked you to make breakfast for your Mom because by doing that it would really emphasize the resentment, if you have any? I mean if your relationship is good, this would be a benign task (assuming you like to cook)?

She said this was the reason, but to be honest I find it a bit... blah. So the solution to my resentment of doing too much for my mother is to do more? :P lol You see my point...

I am wondering would you mind sharing what exactly you want from the therapist but you are not getting?

Appropriateness. Accurate treatment. For instance, I read a lot on the web of Ts who immediately notice we're dissociating before we do even, mine doesn't, just thinks I'm tired.

What is the worst case scenario if you leave this therapist and find another one?

The worst case scenario is wasting money I don't have, time I don't have to spare, retraumatization, etc.

is something you want to keep doing. ?

There are good things with this T, too. From all of them, she's the better one. But your question is a good one. I don't know what to do, like I said before, I'll talk to her and see where that leads.