Medical Profound Surgery As An Infant

[shimmerz]

Originally when I went to t-doc and recognized that my profound reactions (that seemed new to me but in fact were not), after being rekindled into trauma-esque behaviour, I was told that I needed to go back to the original wounding and explore that. Well, I believed I knew what that was. It was either the repeated abortion attempts (this is dependent upon a belief system that a fetus can have memories) or it was the operation that separated my dead twin from me when I was just 4 days old.

My reactions are typically to go into a coma like state. I can feel my brain working, I cannot open my eyes and I cannot move any part of my body. I had this type of reaction this morning. I have learned through the last 5 years or so many tools to help me out of this state. This one was different. I had originally thought that the paralyzing trauma happened when I was older but while in my state this morning I realized that after having the operation I would certainly not be able to move. Idiot. Seriously? It took me all this time to realize that? Anyways, I am wondering if there are any of you out there that had a serious operation when you were an infant, whether you experience paralysis ever, a tremendous sense of hopelessness, or anything else that maybe I have not yet touched on.

I know after this morning's events that my paralysis is caused by an extreme sense of hopelessness a feeling of abandonment and a disconnected feeling (not feeling part of humanity), as well I got a sense of repulsion (from those around me). Sorry if this post is a bit discombobulated. I am still trying to make sense of it, which is why I am asking for other's experiences if they have any.

 

[franciemarnie]

I feel like I am a kid strapped to a hospital gurney at night when I try to sleep sometimes, and of course I can't sleep. I am scared and feel abandoned. I also have had the felt sense of hands holding me down at ankles and upper shoulders when meditating. I think this is related to overdose when I was like 2 years old. I thought the pills were candy. Can't say more now. Have to go to dentist. I feel for you.

 

[StarChild]

or it was the operation that separated my dead twin from me when I was just 4 days old.

Dear shimmerz my friend, I don't really know what's appropriate to say, because I don't know almost nothing of what you're going through right now. And I hope that you know, that the question I'm going to ask you, isn't because of curiosity, but to better understand your statement; You and your dead twin, were you kind of "conjoined" twins?

Feel free to not answer my question. All I can offer you, is a listening heart and a very gentle, comforting hug. ((((shimmerz))))

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, @TreeHugger. It is a saga - stranger than fiction. She was a cojoined twin. I believe she would not have been had she lived through the repeated abortion attempts. I expect that she shielded me while I was in the womb, allowing me to live. In the womb, out of the womb, my birth parents wanted me dead. The operation was extremely invasive, would have been incredibly painful and was done without anesthetic. As a result I don't feel pain - at all. I did not realize this (believe it or not) until I was over 50 years old. Children's Aid information and medical information prior to my adoption has confirmed this was the case, although my flashbacks and recovered memories were dead on (pardon the pun) prior to my receiving proof in the official documentation.

@franciemarnie states above about her flashes of being held down on a gurney. I can so relate to this as most of my first flashbacks after my meltdown were of my head being held down on gurney, of my being in an all white room attempting to hide under the gurney (which clearly I couldn't have done at 4 days old but have had no operations since). These flashes left me for a while but this morning when I went into my 'state', I had further flashes - deeper ones. I am trying to get to what they are through other's experiences if anyone has them.

I believe this is happening as my first grandchild arrived in April and my second is due in September. I am sorry, this is such a yukky story. :(

 

[StarChild]

The operation was extremely invasive, would have been incredibly painful and was done without anesthetic.

Yes, I know about that awful fact, that until the late 70ies they usually performed surgery on babies or toddlers, without giving an anaesthetic. Because they (the doctors and surgeons) had the unbelievable arrogance, to think that newborns or infants would feel nothing, not even pain. There's much written proof of that insanity.