Ptsd And Acting Like A Child

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey people,

So I spent a while living with some family members because I was doing very bad and I screwed up with two of them. In both situations I was accused of being too childlike and told "I know you have problems, but that is no reason to behave like a child."

I'm twenty-six, but I am often in a mindset where I feel the exact same way that I did at age eight. At that age I had nobody around who gave a damn about me (those who gave a damn, didn't know what was going on with my parents and me). Being in that mindset also causes me to act as if I were that age. I'll give you two examples...

Maybe you'd like to read one of them, or both of them, and tell me what you think. Have you behaved in a way that others considered idiotic, childish and unreasonable? How did you handle it? What did you think about yourself afterwards?

Example I

While I was at my aunts' house, she entered the room while I was in the middle of cursing at the images in my head. She said I'd been screaming, which I wasn't aware of. She hadn't knocked and I felt violated so I barricaded the door with my hands to prevent her from coming in again. She tried to come in and then when I didn't let her, she menaced me, telling me that she'd "phone somebody". In that mindset, I thought she'd get somebody to force me to open the door. She probably didn't mean in that way, but at that time I was pretty convinced that she did. I was so furious I packed my bags immediately and got the hell out of there.

Example II

While I was at my grandma's house, there was a day that we went somewhere in a car. There were bumps on the road and the shock of riding over them made me feel violated and humiliated, it often does. I made fists and started punching myself to get rid of the feeling, then when they stopped the car I bolted out like a dog and ran for it. I ran into the forest panting and feeling like I was eight all over again, feeling like somebody'd just beaten me. I felt disempowered and ashamed that my episode had been witnessed by grandma and her boyfriend, furious at them for being present at the time and hating myself for being that way. All I wanted to do is just keep running and dissapear altogheter. I spent the whole evening in the forest until dark, not wanting to come back.

I wondered if they'd give a damn about me. If I had been in the adult mindset, maybe I would have realized that of course they would worry. But instead of realizing that, I decided to test them and stay in the forest until they send me a message asking where I was. They did eventually, one hour after dark, so I returned. Once there my grandma was upset and crying and telling me that she was so mad at me, she couldn't even look at me. She told me I was a horrible person for doing that to her, told me that I was a immature hypocrite that goes through life feeling sorry for herself, and that I needed to grow up and start acting like a twenty six year old instead of an eight year old. I sat there staring at here while she screamed at me, but I couldn't feel anything. I felt no empathy and no apathy. I felt nothing at all, just silence.

 

[arfie]

Once I have identified where an irrational behaviour is coming from, I work on growing it into something more functional for my current life circumstances. Eight year old behaviour out of a 60 year old woman is downright revolting. Ain't so cute out of a 26 year old, either.

An example out of my own, personal recovery is disappearing and/or hiding. I can be long gone before anyone knows there is a problem. I can stay gone indefinitely. I am a master of avoidance and have been since I was a toddler. Turning around and working it out is the hard part for me. As an adult, mother, and wife, I have created more abandonment issues than I have the courage to count. Once I realized this behaviour was rooted in childish instinct, over-developed by an abuse-filled home, I was able to start growing more effective responses. As a toddler I did not have many options. As an adult, I have choices. I believe I grow a little each time I try another one of those options.

Congratulations on recognizing 2 of yours, Radise. May the cycle be broken. Carefully. Gently. With love.

 

[ill]

I wonder if now, in a presumably more adult mindset, you can see that maybe your aunt and grandma were having their own stress responses to your stress responses? Reading your examples, it reminded me of when I was a child and once ran across the road during a red light. When my mother caught up to me, she yelled at me and smacked me on the ass and who knows what she said, but all of it was about her enormously intense fear for me. Your examples and your family's responses reminded me of this, and I'm wondering if you see (now, anyway) the possibility that both of them behaved the way they did in response to you because they were terrified and overwhelmed and deeply, deeply worried about you? It's a scary thing when someone disappears on you and you don't know if they're okay or not. I wonder if the screaming, and the things they screamed, come from that place? That your grandmother was so mad at you because she was terrified and worried for you? Another possibility you may want to consider is that when we act like children, people may treat us as children.

May I ask: Was your aunt actually menacing? Is it possible that she was trying to cajole you out of the room and/or that she was frightened that you might hurt yourself? If she did think you were going to hurt yourself, couldn't/wouldn't it be a loving, caring thing to do to call for help? Do you think that one of the reasons you took off might have been because you don't actually know how to handle living in a loving, caring household? A loving, caring household likely has very different boundaries than a neglectful, uncaring one and they may be boundaries you need help and direction learning (but which you may have trouble learning if you have problems with authority/control).

May I also ask why the bumps in the road make you feel humiliated and violated? Did you understand what you were feeling at the time you were feeling it? If so, do you think if something similar happened in the future that you might be able to verbalize it to your grandmother?

How often do you revert to a childlike mindset? What distinguishes it from an adult mindset? What causes you to revert? Can you tell when it's about to happen and/or do you have the ability to articulate it when it does? Is there anything your family can do to help support or calm you when you revert? In a more adult mindset, do you have the capacity to engage in conversations with your aunt and/or your grandmother about your experiences and everyone's boundaries and solutions going forward?

Are you in counseling? Is the adult/child mindset something you're working on?

I don't want to be rude at all, because I feel like I understand, but I do think there are some ways you need to learn to manage your behaviour because yelling and beating yourself up in front of other people is inflicting it on them. It's a very scary, horrifying thing to bear witness to (and to experience as the one doing it, too, I know). Is it possible to substitute a less visible form of self-injury? Are there ways you could learn to manage your impulses? Do you understand that by testing them you may also be creating your own form of self-fulfilling prophecy? While you may be intellectually aware that you're no longer a child and will never be stuck the way you were as a child, are you mentally and emotionally aware of that?

I don't think there's anyone who's never behaved idiotically or like a child in front of another. How I deal with it is just by trying to learn from my experience and reminding myself that I am not a single moment. That I can "fail" better next time, and just keep failing better and better until one day maybe I'm not failing at all. I do my best to apologize and amend the wrongs I feel I've committed. I try to understand the hows and whys of my behaviour and feelings so that I can work to correct the feelings and the behaviour/symptoms. I try to give myself the understanding and love I didn't receive as a child.

Do you still feel like a powerless child? Do you know what you need to feel like an empowered adult? Being able to identify my needs and then slowly work towards meeting them made a big difference for me and it drastically reduced my self-harm but I still struggle with feeling like a powerless child.

 

[Bedbug]

I froze as an 8 year old. That little girl hid away and kept her memories of abuse with her. As a 28 year old some of her memories began to slip out and I had some horrible childish temper tantrums. I can really relate to your experience of hiding in the woods. As a 38 year old (now) I am beginning to understand what was happening and am trying to talk to that little girl, unfreeze her and let her have her voice under my calm guidance. I have spent the best part of today trying to write a letter to her. I want to allow her to finally grow up and become integrated into me. We need each other.

 

[Hashi]

I do think there are some ways you need to learn to manage your behaviour because yelling and beating yourself up in front of other people is inflicting it on them... Are there ways you could learn to manage your impulses?

I agree.

I think healing in the long term is going to help you in the long term, but doing some reprogramming with regard to your impulses might be a good idea straight away.

I'd suggest that perhaps you set aside time each day to "be" a child (whether that's letting the child like feelings out, or focussing on nice child like things like colouring). Then the rest of the day working on staying in the present and staying an adult, and especially to keep reminding yourself of this before and during spending time around family members. You could create prompts to help you remind yourself - a henna tattoo on the back of your hand, a note in your purse, a repeat alert on your phone, a scent that you associate with being an adult, things like that.

I think it's important to both validate what you're experiencing and to manage the impulses in situations where they aren't helpful or appropriate.

 

[HelenB]

I can relate so much to what you are saying and have had many times where I have felt so similar. I have had times in ministry and therapy where I have just ran or hid and also early on in my relationship with my husband where something intimate triggered things in me, though I don't remember it, he told me about how I had just flipped and ran out and into the bathroom and had been in a pretty bad state, which I know was so much my child part coming up.

When I have had a lot more things coming up it has been harder but I have also found that for me talking to that part of myself, which is effectively still trapped in that time when I was still a little girl and so so afraid, has helped, and as I have learned more and more to listen to that part and finally allow her to begin to have a voice, instead of being so angry with myself for feeling as I do because I am an adult now and shouldn't feel like that and because in that child place I feel it was my fault anyhow, it has helped and I have been able to find a balance a lot more and allow myself to have times when I do allow it, but reassure that other part of myself that I am still listening to what the feelings are and am going to give myself the space to deal with that, even in times when it is not appropriate to express it in that way.

I can understand totally why your family would be concerned and really hope you are able to communicate some of the things going on with you to them so they can understand a bit more, and also that you are able to find enough safety within yourself and any therapy you are having to be able to find a safe release for all these emotions and find freedom from the fear which so evidently seems to be inside you.

God bless
Helen

 

[macca]

Hey Radise. I'm 43 and still act like a kid in some situations - and feel like one too. I'm trying hard, but it's really difficult. I really identify with what you wrote. I too have lost it in situations and run for it. Flight response I guess. It's what eventually drove me to finally go to therapy a few months ago, as I reacted strongly to something my husband said (and more so, the way he said it) in an argument. I panicked, and took off (quietly, so he couldn't stop me). I was wailing to myself that he was "gonna hurt me" and I sounded and felt like a very young child. It isn't the first time I'd run off, but it was way more intense that time. You're not being childish - your brain has just gone back to the "now" of a traumatic time, and it's just what happens sometimes. It's a traumatic reaction. I also want you to know you're not alone with the punching yourself thing either. I've done this many times, punching myself in the head to the point of concussion. I'm not proud of it of course - I'm very ashamed of it. We are still working that one out in therapy. It's incredibly difficult to control. Interesting though, that it's only happened since I "told" my T some stuff that I thought I would die before saying to anybody. My husband doesn't even know. Anyway - my T has told me that if you've experienced trauma at a young age, sometimes you lock that part of yourself away as a defence mechanism - she called it a "dissociated part". She thinks I "split off" part of myself at 3 or 4. I don't know for sure if that's what's going on for me, let alone for you, but it's worth thinking about I guess. There is a book she suggested, though she said it's very powerful (which is a little scary) - Homecoming by John Bradshaw. I ordered a copy, but only got it today so haven't read any of it yet.

With your grandmother yelling at you - as others have said, probably she was just reacting as most people would, and had been very frightened. It would have been hard for her to understand. For you though - when you said you didn't feel anything - could you have been dissociating? I do that too if I'm getting yelled at.

Hugs Radise. You would never choose to react like this. None of us choose to react the way trauma makes us.

 

[Hashi]

I agree that we don't choose our initial reactions. I still think we can choose what we try to do about them. We're challenged by this, but we're not powerless.

Part of the healing process is resolving or integrating the different aspects of ourselves that have been split off by trauma. The aim as I see it is to honour what's happened, be compassionate with ourselves and also to work to move forwards through this.

@macca, I have no idea what your whole view of this is. I'm only picking up on your statement about choosing to react. What your exact meaning is, I don't know. So I'm going to simply talk about what I mean.

I think there's a fine line between reacting in the first place, and choosing whether to try to change that. If someone tried - really tried, and I'm very hard line about that - and it didn't work then that's one thing. Not trying is another.

If someone tells me that they spent at least two hours every day for six weeks or more, seriously working in a way that's meaningful on a changing this reaction, and it changed nothing - I'll accept that. If someone tells me that they think this is the way we are because of what happened to us in childhood, and it's very hard/almost impossible to change it - I'll challenge it.

For the record, I've never heard anyone say that they spent at least two hours every day - for six weeks or more - seriously working in a meaningful way, and it changed nothing.

 

[macca]

@Hashi I'm sorry my post made no sense to you. I'm only 3 months into therapy, so I guess I'm still trying to work on understanding and change for myself. Perhaps I ought not to have chimed in, though I did because I didn't want Radise to feel alone in this.

I didn't mean to infer that change was not possible or that it isn't a great goal - of course it is.

 

[Hashi]

@macca I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't have chimed in. I didn't mean to direct what I said straight at you. I was responding more to what I perceived as a kind of fatalistic view that I felt when I read what Radise wrote, and that perhaps that set a kind of fatalistic mood for the thread.

I will tend to question ideas about "the way things are" for those of us who've experienced trauma, If you got caught up in this unfairly I'm sorry! I still am a hard liner - I think all of us have to find a way round what we perceive as obstacles. At the same time, I think there's a time for that. The beginnings of awareness and venturing into therapy are probably not that time,

I should have been more direct that I'd like to challenge Radise a little on what seems to me a rather fatalistic view of all this. I apologise that I've mixed you up with that personal view of my own.