PTSD and Housemates - Do You Find It Difficult Too?

[Lisa]

Hi everyone,

Most of you know I'm a student at university, and that I live in a flat with two housemates.

After finding it extremely difficult managing living with other students, particularly a few - for a number of reasons, but PTSD was in there too... this year I moved in with non-students. Partly as all my friends graduated last year, but if I'd had the choice, I'd still have chosen a small flat with just one or two non-student housemates.

One of which is a friend, who was not aware I have PTSD. We have a good friendship, but I began finding it extremely difficult to live with her, in terms of feeling I don't have privacy and safety when I need it. She doesn't really do anything wrong, but she seems to have adopted a sisterly friendship since we moved in together. Which means she wanders in and out of my room whenever, borrows my stuff, shares food, and my laptop. She's not been disrespectful as such, I couldn't say that. I never said no, or set the boundaries. In September, I was doing a LOT better than I am, and I really didn't mind. I quite liked the homely sense it gave me. So it's been really awkward, and I feel I can't really explain to her that I don't want her wandering in and out of my room... she can be sensitive and easily offended. Just because she wants to be liked, I think. But it makes me feel guilty... because I didn't say from the start...

But I've become very bad lately with the PTSD stuff. So much so that suffered a series of stress breakdowns at the smallest things recently. Which meant I then went and hid at work and took refuge there at night, away from anyone. And then became feeling more and more trapped and in danger and pressurised. I began planning to disappear... assume a new identity, change name etc. My degree is suffering more than ever (sigh, again) and I'm now so anxious I can't get to lectures, or be around too many people. And can't get up in time to get to the early lectures. I can't concentrate at all which has meant while my boss has been brilliant in giving me time, he told me recently that he doesn't want to have to, but if I can't get back to work soon he will have to get somebody else in until I am better. So life has kind of come to a halt lately...

Then I got very depressed. So much so I couldn't be bothered to put my plans into action. When I came out of it, I lost it at another housemate for being unreasonable and non compromising (she was selfish, her refusal to compromise or try to respect others wishes here caused a lot of added hassle). But I maybe went over the top at her, and then told my friend I was moving out and would be gone the next day.

Urm. Meh. I realised this time... I can't hide my PTSD anymore. I could see it wasn't my friend's fault for "invading" my privacy. Initially, it was okay. But it changed when I crashed and burned out and got so much worse. I apologised to her and told her about the PTSD. She has been triggering me without realising it for a while - trying to push me into watching horror movies, then when I sat through half of one and ended up curled up covering eyes and ears, she looked at me odd and her boyfriend made a comment. Other things too.

I've now explained that the reason those things stress me so much is because of my PTSD. She accepted it, understood (i think)... I came back home, she gave me a hug... and to be honest, nothing at all has been said since. She seems to be giving me more space and stuff, so she obviously heard right... but... well. I'm hoping she doesn't 'forget' if this is going to be something that is taboo between us now.

So... I guess I just wanted to reach and ask others if they had great difficulties living with housemates? Because they're not necessarily close people, like partners, or carers, or family. So I think it's a different situation. I know I'm finding it very hard to handle. The worst thing is for the first time, I think this living situation would normally work for me - if I didn't have PTSD.

Guess I'm just wanting to feel less alone in this!

 

[kers]

Lisa, I've had housemates twice (one was a boyfriend and one was a friend), and both times were just awful for me. My hypervigilance never seemed to let up. I was always listening for where they were. Plus, I always felt like my space was invaded. At both of these times, I was undiagnosed, so I had no idea why I was so stressed out at home.

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble right now. Are you still in treatment? It sounds like you are desperate to find a safe place for a little bit each day, a place where you can get calm and relaxed. For me, this can be meditating; other people go to church, or yoga...is there something you can do to try to shore up your defenses each day?

 

[freya]

Wow, Lisa, I can imagine that's a difficult situation for you. I used to share a house with fellow students when I was in university, it's a long time ago and I was not aware that I had PTSD then.

When I read what you wrote I think there's a lot of boundary issues going on.
I'm not sure, but I think you could have a problem with a friend or housemate walking into your room at all times, borrowing stuff and such, also if you did not have PTSD. I think every individual has a natural need to have a 'territory' of his/her own where you can set the rules and be in control.
I understand though that the PTSD makes this sort of thing much more difficult to deal with.
I think it's very good that your friend heard you, seemed to understand and hugged you. You may have to remind her later on, of what you said and you may need to set your boundaries again and again for some time until she gets used to respecting you in this way.

It helps me personally to read books on the topic of how to set boundaries, assertiveness and such and I followed a course in that, too. Realizing that my situation may be different from the other people taking the class, I still got some good information and practice out of it...
One book that I particularly liked was 'Living in the comfort zone' by Rokelle Lerner.

I really hope you will be able to regain a sense of calm and get back into stable habits. Know that you are not alone, and that your need for privacy is totally legitimate..

Freya

 

[Grama-Herc]

Lisa,

When I was first divorced and had my little girl living with me, I could not make it on my own financially. I had a "series" of room mates. It never worked out. I tried single females, 1 guy friend, a married couple and of course the usual parade of boyfriends. Of course, that part is for another time.

I can tell you today, that if I had to go back to living with a room mate or mates----I would live in a box under a bridge first. It is the most difficult thing in the world to do.

I think you will find that "we" need our private and safe time and having someone else in the house is just plain unhealthy for us. I am referring, of course, to non-relatives and spouses.

When mother and I talked about moving in together this was my main concern. I was afraid I would be giving up that "safe zone" I had in my own home. We solved that issue and all is fine. Thank goodness!

But I do know how you are feeling. Been There, Done That, Got the TShirt! I am sure many others will relate these same feelings. You seriously need to find a place where you feel safe and secure. The stress of this is not healthy for you.

Here's hoping things work out for you

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have been there, done that, got the T-shirt, wrote the book and got the award for NOT being able to live with other people. (male or female)

I can take it for just so long and then I can't do it. No matter how I try, I just can't do it. Now I just don't WANT too. I am happier than a pig in shit that I live alone........

 

[nic]

I currently live alone, but I've always loved having roommates. For me, it helps my PTSD. I like having someone there to distract me when things get rough. I also feel more safe and secure when I'm living with someone else.

 

[Marlene]

Being married and having my youngest daughter still at home may not exactly qualify as housemates...but with PTSD, I think sometimes the same results apply. It seems like when I want to be alone, be quiet and not interact...they get all chatty. Or maybe it just seems like that. My husband knows when he horses around with my girls and they scream (from being tickled or whatever) that it really just flips my lid. They seem forget unless I tell them, 'Please, no screaming'. There are a lot of small things that just seem to grind against me...especially when I'm having a rough moment.

Being around people is tough. Living with them is tougher. PTSD makes it damn near impossible sometimes. I've learned that when it's too much I go to bed and talk about it the next day when I'm in a better frame of mind.

Lisa

 

[upstream]

Lisa I had a terrible time with half my roommates in college, believe me you are not alone. My last 3 years some of my relatives began calling me a vagabond, because I moved two to three times per year. It was always best when I lived alone.

My last year I thought I had finally got it right, my best friend asked me to get a 2 bedroom apartment with him. He had the same major and lived the same lifestyle. After I signed the lease the friendship became awfully one sided, and then later his girlfriend broke up with him. They had been together for as long as I had known him, but without her he started acting like a jerk, I didn't really recognize him anymore. I was getting triggered and it was affecting my studies. It just got too painful, so I moved into a studio.

Some of my prior roommates were over the top, and I wonder why I chose to live with some of them. I think you're lucky to live with someone who responded positively to the news of your PTSD, and who seems to be responding to boundaries since then. I had 2 roommates who tried to steamroll over any boundary they didn't like, I moved out of those apartments too.

I hope things continue to get better! Let me know either way...

 

[Lisa]

Thank you so much for your replies. It is so good to feel that I am not the only one who finds it hard living with housemates.

I don't think I can stay here. With my degree being a mess and feeling totally unable to have privacy in my home... I need to make changes. Not so immediately as I initially tried, that just pushed me over the edge. But I don't have a bedroom. WE have a bedroom. I don't have a laptop, WE have a laptop. I don't have space, it's filled with WE all the time. I don't have friends, WE have friends (they are actually hers and that's made clear to me).

I have been in two relationships lately with two "friends" lately that I don't actually want to be in. Fundamentally, the relationships had everything wrong about them. I've let myself be pushed into things and now it is assumed.

I just want my own home, where I control my time, and my space. Where I get to make the choice over whether or not I socialise. Not because it's imposed on me. I can't cope like this!

Ugh.... okay.... thanks for the replies. It's been so nice to feel it's not me and my madness...