PTSD And Shame

[growingpains]

I just want to echo what anni said about somerandomguy's post. I smiled too because I relate to and recognise that feeling. I worked for the last year and a half building up my self esteem only to realize I have no self-worth. I have tried to read up on how to build it up and all I find out is--it is something you were born with... That is not exactly helpful. Sometimes I feel like--I deserve better than to be treated like that...(then feel low), how do I know what I deserve...feeling a bit like damaged goods, or "different" from everybody else because nobody understands that I never wanted to be this strong...I had to be in order to survive. I have horrible anxiety trying to make decisions dealing with relationships because I have attracted abusive people in my past, and that makes me question my choice of people to include in my life. The worst times with PTSD are when I feel like I am existing without living and question my very existence on this planet. But perhaps it is just the pain and hurt talking, the fact that my voice was never heard and never mattered with abusers and other damaged people in my past. Anyway, sorry for the babble, you are totally not alone in that thought/feeling.

 

[onebravegirl]

In response to Anni,

I do not think that the PTSD is at fault at all. PTSD is the voice in our head of all the injuries we have suffered. It is the one screaming for us to sort this out and put the blame where it belongs - on the abusers, not ourselves. Growing pains says it well, about the fact that her voice was never heard and never mattered with abusers and the other damaged peole in her past. That to me is the real origin of these feelings for most PTSD sufferes.
O

 

[anni]

Hmmmm OBG, I see what you're saying but have to still think it's the PTSD causing those destructive voices in our heads. I don't think the PTSD is screaming at us to get fixed or put this all right. That would endow 'it' with the positive attribute of energizing the sufferer to go get healed. It feels like it is our true selves, struggling to jettison the crap, which is what finally makes us get the heck to therapy or on some course of healing. If the PTSD isn't causing us to have these unrealistic, negative thoughts but is instead some kind of entity urging us to wellness they would be packaging it in some form to sell at Walmart as some curative.

Just my perspective, of course. :)

Anni

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I don't feel shame for having PTSD (I know that my abuse was not my fault), but I feel shame over the symptoms of PTSD. I constantly tell my husband and children that I'm sorry that I can't do something (socially), or if I'm too tired to go somewhere with them, I even say I'm sorry when I'm feeling physically ill from stress. I spent so many years covering up and stuffing down the symptoms and my feelings that now that they are coming out I feel like I am letting others down.

 

[onebravegirl]

Anni,
If you fight what is hurting, you only hurt yourself further. Seeing something that is inside you as an enemy will not help anyone understand it. If you work with what is going on and ride the pain (with therepy) instead of getting trapped in it, you can gain a different perspective in time. Addressing the injuries one at a time helps them heal. The emotion of the traumas holds on and results in PTSD. Coming to terms with the emotion can only be best addressed with Therapy.
The energy does come when we comply to what we need to address. Not some sort of huge surge as you mentioned. But an willingness to heal helps the process become more bearable. We have another poster here who describes his new found therapy as something he cannot get enough of. It takes a long time and a ton of hard work, but his determination will give him the added strength, so will his Therapist. He is ready to heal. I'm not saying that we have to be excited about Therapy, but his possitive attiude will help the process be much quicker. Physical Pain is the brains way of saying you need medical attention. So is the negative and painful experiences PTSD reveals. It is calling attention to things that have long needed to be addressed. It is a proven formula for people who want to heal. Attitude is everything.
O

 

[blueangel371115]

I don't have a shame issue. My biggest problems are anger and trust. I love it when my parents try to get me to be social. Social situations are extremely frustrating. I can't trust people enough to let them close and it's aggravating for them and me. Then my parents give me crap over it.

 

[suzie q]

I was taught by my therapist that you should give back your shame to the one whom it belongs to. When I get triggered about past abuse, I scream in my head "I give you back your shame! This shame is not mine, it's yours (name)."

I learned that we (abused people) have a lot of shame due to the abuser giving it to us. Of course, a perp isn't going to take responsibility for any of their actions, therefore, they dump all the nastiness and shame on the victim. We carry this until we realize that the monkey on our back is not ours.

Screaming out loud and taking a ball bat to the couch really helps suck that shame out of you and send it air mail right up the perps a**h*le!!

 

[anni]

Mine is so pervasive that I have a terrible time being able to 'give' it to just my perpetrator. I tend to click on this thread because shame is such a huge element in my PTSD and possibly the most debiitating, taken all-around. Hearing someone being so proactive is helpful, so thank you.

Anni

 

[recovery_jess]

I too identify with Kers and Dust. Shame is a huge part of my PTSD. Most of the time I don't know what I'm ashamed of - the assaults themselves, my own vulnerability, my silence and failure to speak up at the time. Maybe all of the above. I find shame alternates with anger - one minute I'm too ashamed to speak about the abuse that caused my PTSD, the next minute I am livid at those who judge when they haven't been there. Shame can be debilitating when you isolate yourself because of your fear that others will judge you as harshly as you judge yourself.

 

[Marlene]

A lot of my shame is that I have this, I can't overcome it, I can't beat it. My shame is my failure to get the PTSD out of my life and be normal. At least that's what the emotions tell me on a bad day.

Lisa

 

[221177]

Definitely agree with the shame element. Such a toxic emotion which makes you want to hide because somehow there's so much shame that I feel I don't even exist, and don't even deserve sharing my feelings about myself because I'm not worthy of even that. That's a shame in itself. How ironic. So much luck and beautiful things given my way and I feel incapable of making the most out of them, because I feel so unworthy. If I felt like I had a right to exist, then perhaps I could move forward with them, but when I don't, it feels like there is no ability, and I can't do anything when I'm not even a human being. Layer on some guilt too for seeing that it's self-perpetuated and you're the only person that can change it, but feel incapable of. At least I can see that moving forward is in my hands - just need to see that those hands do exist and are capable ;)

God that sounded negative, but hey ho.. talking from the heart and where there's an ember of will there's a firey phoenixy flame of way :)

 

[Grim]

The shame that I carry around is for my actions, and behaviors that I have done because of undiagnosed PTSD. For years I was out of control, and did many things I now regret, and I am ashamed of.....I don't think I will ever fully get over what I have done, and the shame I have for what I have done.....

Me to .. and God know how I will ever sort it out! I find it hard to recognise the person I was .. and the person I am now.