Ptsd And Your Libido

[Igi]

Well, here's the thing -- have you considered that resolving your sexual issues first may help with your PTSD? Since th...

I've thought a lot about that - addressing the sexual issues to cure the rest. I've spent a lot of time trying to come up with situations that will allow me to feel uninhibited and free. But, without going into details about what I've tried, I can't stay in the moment when I try to act on them. It's confusing and difficult to explain. I've never been to a sexual therapist, but I feel this would not be helpful, because I really don't have intimacy issues. I am good to go when it comes to intimacy. But I want to have the physical urge before the intimacy. I don't want to have to relax and start kissing and touching her in order for my penis to follow. So I don't see how a sexual therapist can help me.

I feel nothing when triggered by sexual stimuli. I mean, I have the thought that "this is appealing", but I physically feel nothing. I literally have to be kissing and indulging in foreplay for my sex drive to start up.

(This is my first day posting the anonymous section. First it gave me the name "One", then I was "Ikibi". My name shouldn't be changing, should it? Is it going to change again for this post too? How do people know I'm the same person?)

 

[Ohar]

It changed my name again. ??? Anyway, I originally said I hadn't thought much about treating the sexual aspect, and then I said I had. I guess I really have. I mean, I go through long periods when I don't think of the sexual issues, but there are other times when I just want to find that scenario, that situation where I'll be able to feel full-on excited without, or before, the intimacy. And usually I just think of the sexual issues in and of themselves - solving them to make me happy. But yes, I have also thought on occasion that ridding myself of the sexual repression would stop a lot of my neurosies and difficulties in thinking and coping with everyday life. I have quite often thought that if I had a penis that could act as a compass that a lot of other stuff in life would come naturally.

 

[Geluzi]

My name shouldn't be changing, should it? Is it going to change again for this post too? How do people know I'm the same person?

It does that for everyone except the original poster. If you click "More Options" under the posting field, it will open a preview pane where you can type in the name you want to use.

I feel nothing when triggered by sexual stimuli. I mean, I have the thought that "this is appealing", but I physically feel nothing. I literally have to be kissing and indulging in foreplay for my sex drive to start up.

I don't actually feel that this is terrible -- but I am a woman, so.... I think for men, this is probably not common--but I still don't feel that it's horrible to need intimacy to get aroused. In fact, I think a lot of women would appreciate a man who does not have a constant hard-on/ticking time bomb that could ruin the relationship at any moment, if you know what I mean. ;)

I've spent a lot of time trying to come up with situations that will allow me to feel uninhibited and free. But, without going into details about what I've tried, I can't stay in the moment when I try to act on them. It's confusing and difficult to explain.

So you feel inhibited in these situations? What gets you "out of the moment?" Can you trace this back to any trauma that may have caused your inhibitions?

 

[Geluzi]

But, without going into details

P.S. The anonymous forum is for going into details. :playful:

 

[Kuzej]

My libido is all wrapped up in one of my alters. Good luck explaining that one Freud!

When I'm just me? I don't have libido, I don't miss it, and sex has never been a good experience for me, so I can't see myself prioritising it any time soon.

As for the idea that "I just don't realise" it's the cause of all my problems? That's a very convenient way to explain away people like me! Sadly, I don't think there's any 'quick fix' to the damage trauma does to the brain. And that includes a quickie!

 

[Vicu]

As for the idea that "I just don't realise" it's the cause of all my problems? That's a very convenient way to explain away people like me! Sadly, I don't think there's any 'quick fix' to the damage trauma does to the brain. And that includes a quickie!

Sorry -- I did not mean to minimize anyone's problems. Sex has been very unhappy for me too. That's why I started this thread. Have you tried any therapies to try to recover your libido?

 

[Random]

P.S. The anonymous forum is for going into details. :playful:

Ok. Where to begin. Kuzej wasn't me. I haven't responded since last night. Now that you've explained the name situation (thank you for that), I have made mine "Random".

It's not that I'm embarrassed of the details. It's just that they're too hard to explain. There is some behavior and scenarios that can be conducive towards helping me feel less inhibited, but they are fleeting. I can find them in my fantasies, but no matter how simple they may seem to act on, it never turns out that way. My mood is constantly changing, and the smallest thing can ruin everything. It's part of the burden of having to try to get myself aroused.

Back when I was younger, I still had some natural impetus towards sex. Even though I wasn't getting regular erections like men do, there were still situations where I'd feel naturally aroused. Now it's all an effort. There is not a single thing, whether it be real life, movies, reading, or just fantasizing, that can make me achieve a decent erection. Instead it requires relaxation plus stimulation.

The stimulation, as mentioned before, is usually foreplay/kissing. I don't need to have my penis physically stimulated to achieve a full erection, but if I continue in this direction, I probably will. Btw I'm 46 years old. (After entering my name I am on a screen dedicated to this post. Let me post this and then go back to your post and see if I missed anything.)

 

[Random]

Ok, as far as what gets me out of the moment. Good question. Hard to answer. Often there's an internal struggle between different parts of my personality.

There is a lot going on in my head at all times. So at some point during my daily life, I might stumble onto a scenario that seems doable. Either I'll wake up with it, or it'll just come to me, or something on tv might spur it, or I might find it when I'm specifically searching through my head for something to act on. Some of the scenarios are immediately discarded because they involve an element of risk or would just be too difficult or costly to pursue.

If I'm satisfied that the scenario is acceptable and achievable, then I'll start to think of acting on it. By this time in my life, I am often more disappointed that a scenario is doable, because that means I have to go through the work of trying to achieve it and enjoy it.

Often the scenario becomes so foreign and devoid of the original feeling. I'll go into OCD mode, having to make sure that everything is exactly right, and I lose all the sexual feeling that opened my eyes to the scenario in the first place. It becomes a chore, and I become detached. Instead of getting me closer to sexual liberation, it makes me even more inhibited and confuses me as to what really turns me on and what is OCD on my part.

Other times, when the scenarios are simpler, or at least when my mind doesn't go into OCD mode and when a lot of the true impetus is still there, the things that can ruin them for me are either part of an internal struggle or are hang-ups.

The easiest example to give when it comes to the internal struggle is when it comes to submissive fantasies. I have found that feeling submissive can either have me feeling turned on or feeling entirely asexual. Too often these feelings fight with each other. Sometimes the fight is very internalized, as if it's in my subconscious - being submissive can go from ultimate turn-on to feeling embarrassing in the blink of an eye. Luckily these switches always seem to activate before I go too far, so I've never been left feeling that I wish I hadn't done that. The number of times where I planned to act on a submissive scenario and then changed my mind is astronomical.

Other times the internal struggle is much more conscious and really involves me thinking about the scenario or act and then the judgmental side of me deciding that I shouldn't do it. It definitely comes from childhood shame, where now I am the "moral" and "decent" person, who can approach the shameful act and resist it. It almost feels like a rebirth. But the surge of self-confidence and euphoria I get from that fades by the next day.

Lastly, I have a lot of hang-ups that will just flip the switch and take me out of sex mode. There are a lot of hygiene triggers. When I am in the throes of passion, they don't phase me. But when I'm trying to get myself turned on, then the littlest thing, even if imagined or just thought about or remembered, can knock me off course.

 

[Gogipa]

Having a soon to be ex that had sexual issues on a grand scale for about all of our 18 years of marriage, it was helpful for me to read and see what men go through. The complexities of mind to parlay into an actually response of arousal and follow through. I thought it was complex. @one really really explained the total disconnect of the brain and body parts. What an eye opener.

 

[Geluzi]

being submissive can go from ultimate turn-on to feeling embarrassing in the blink of an eye. Luckily these switches always seem to activate before I go too far, so I've never been left feeling that I wish I hadn't done that. The number of times where I planned to act on a submissive scenario and then changed my mind is astronomical.

I don't see what the big deal is. Many people have these fantasies. I would think the submissive person has less to feel ashamed about when it's said and done then the dominant one.

It definitely comes from childhood Shame, where now I am the "moral" and "decent" person, who can approach the shameful act and resist it. It almost feels like a rebirth. But the surge of self-confidence and euphoria I get from that fades by the next day.

Can you talk about what caused the shame?

I feel like if you just went through with the submissive act, it might rev up your libido and get things flowing again. Then, after acting it out for a while, who knows? You might just decide that it no longer interests you and move on to more conventional stuff with a new outlook and a normal level of desire. It seems your libido is "trapped" in the submissive fantasy, and the way to free it is to act on it and work through the shame little by little until you can accept it.

But when I'm trying to get myself turned on, then the littlest thing, even if imagined or just thought about or remembered, can knock me off course.

I have this problem too. I've been dedicating an hour every night to trying to get in the mood and feel some desire again. Basically, I try to get into a fantasy and masturbate. Most nights I'm battling a ton of negative self talk resulting from trauma, shaming, feeling worthless and undesirable. Sometimes I keep my journal open just to have a place to dump the rotten thoughts that intrude.

I tried "cyber sex" in a chat room the other night. It was kind of interesting. I was able to get somewhat turned on -- though a big problem seems to be that guys finish when you are just warming up, just like real life. :roflmao:

Maybe you should try acting out your submissive fantasy in a chat room with a role play partner. It's totally anonymous. Do you think you could feel safe trying that?

Caveat: I am not a sex therapist, and I probably have no business advising you, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Random]

I don't see what the big deal is. Many people have these fantasies. I would think the submissive person has less to fee...

(Pardon me not using the quotes effectively. It's so much easier to just click on "reply".)

Well, the submissive aspect is just one of many fantasies. It's the easiest to explain. And I CAN'T act on it. Although I'm sometimes debating with myself, more often than not it's my subconscious going to work, deciding what I can do and what I can't and how my body will react. If I was 100% sure something would work, I'd go through with it. But when the feeling starts to fade before I've even started, then I know it's going nowhere. It's useless to do it. It will do more harm than good.

Also, my fantasies can be very peculiar - not peculiar as over-the-top, but peculiar in that there are some aspects that appeal specifically to me and are not on anyone else's radar. These aspects can be rather mundane, but I like them to be incorporated. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I need those aspects or not. I lose touch and go into OCD mode like I mentioned before. It's gets very confusing. And these things aren't the type of thing I could work into a cyber chat. Even if I could, I don't think I'd get anything out of it. It's really hard to explain where I have to be in my head to get things to work. Cyber wouldn't work period.

This is why it's hard to really explain things. There are layers over layers, and I can't even slow them down enough to make sense of them to me, much less try to put them in words.

The shame and guilt and all that are part of me. They aren't something tangible that's holding me back. They're part of me. It's who I am. I could not act as if I'm normal but have shame. I am shame. There are sexual aspects to it and non-sexual. They all overlap and intertwine. I can't point to a traumatic experience that explains things, because there isn't one in particular. It was a series of being let down in unusual ways from a young age, and from that I learned not to trust. There were sexual elements involved at times, but they were not what you'd expect. I was never sexually abused in the classic sense. I was more mindf*cked, and some of that mindf*cking had a sexual component. My upbringing had me feeling, from the time I was 7 years old, that the world is against me, God is against me, that the entire universe is playing a joke on me. Down in my heart of heart, that's what I truly still believe. So my sexual problems are really miniscule compared to the mental and emotional torment I go through on a regular basis.

 

[Geluzi]

I could not act as if I'm normal but have shame. I am shame. There are sexual aspects to it and non-sexual. They all overlap and intertwine. I can't point to a traumatic experience that explains things, because there isn't one in particular. It was a series of being let down in unusual ways from a young age, and from that I learned not to trust. There were sexual elements involved at times, but they were not what you'd expect. I was never sexually abused in the classic sense. I was more mindf*cked, and some of that mindf*cking had a sexual component. My upbringing had me feeling, from the time I was 7 years old, that the world is against me, God is against me, that the entire universe is playing a joke on me. Down in my heart of heart, that's what I truly still believe. So my sexual problems are really miniscule compared to the mental and emotional torment I go through on a regular basis.

This whole part of your post really struck a chord with me. But saying that you literally are shame? I don't know. Just because you haven't learned to separate from it, doesn't mean that you literally are it. Have you tried mindfulness for this? The method of simply noticing a feeling and then noticing you r breath or your body helps to get it through your head that it is not literally you, it is something you are experiencing.

I've also been mindf*cked with a sexual component.


And this,

My upbringing had me feeling, from the time I was 7 years old, that the world is against me, God is against me, that the entire universe is playing a joke on me. Down in my heart of heart, that's what I truly still believe. So my sexual problems are really miniscule compared to the mental and emotional torment I go through on a regular basis.

I could have wrote myself. I still feel like the libido is a very important, central part of us, and getting it functioning healthily often makes people feel better in areas that seemed totally unrelated.

Also, don't knock cyber till you try it. :tup: