Ptsd And Your Libido

[Random]

Have you tried mindfulness for this?

I can't slow my mind down enough to get anywhere with mindfulness.

I still feel like the libido is a very important, central part of us, and getting it functioning healthily often makes people feel better in areas that seemed totally unrelated.

But thinking that way just makes things worse in the long run. I feel the importance of it, and that's the main reason why I try to be a sexual person; pleasure is a distant second as motivation. But I always fail, and I always come back to the realization that striving for that just makes all my other symptoms worse.

I have liked talking to you. Thank you for your attempts to help. I appreciate it.

 

[Epe]

My own background with trauma/abuse is very murky, but enough to know it impacted my own libido. I don't have PTSD in any formal sense, but I was repressed for MANY years; my husband and I refer to this as being on "shut down" .. Even considered myself "asexual" for a long time.

My husband on the other hand DOES have PTSD - complex traumas comprised his most formative years, so he also has many internal "others" (he's started calling them "insiders" - though he's NOT been diagnosed as DID/MPD) and we've worked through a LOT over the years .. and like @Random stated in different ways above, my husband's libido is very wrapped up with his different and diverse parts. And far from being repressed, my husband's libido-response to trauma was rather the opposite extreme. Because he was also VERY health-conscious and couldn't bring himself to have indiscriminate sex, this led to many years of VERY grave frustration for him when he was single.

Also for a lot of those years, his libido was almost rather hijacked by one part in particular, a more "feminine" and "age-sliding" young (and submissive) side of himself, so during his years dealing with trying to survive an unaddressed traumatic past, having no knowledge or understanding of PTSD or what it meant to be a "multiple" .. he experimented with same-sex - wrestled with gender-identity confusion as well as sexual-orientation confusion. And he often recreated past experiences - some abusive, others which were (in a sad way) deliverance FROM other more threatening abuses ..

But since we've been together - (and in part cuz he had to basically TEACH me - his virginal wife! - to engage with my own libido (!) and heal from my own past self-identity issues) - ALL of his parts have expressed themselves in one way or another through my husband's sex drive....And turns out, one part - his most assertive/masculine side - who seemed for many years to be completely disinterested in sex - in fact really likes having sex with me (LOL!) - and my husband has surprised himself to realize this aspect enjoyed sex, in spite of all kinds of other internal conversations to the contrary (methinks thou doth protest too much?). ;) He has marveled that he thought he was going to have to teach ME all about sex, and I have ended up teaching him about himself ...

The "littlest" or "youngest" aspect to my husband was arguably the most "repressed" - this may have been a function of age (too "young" to be sexualized?), but it also very much has a kind of Freudian aspect because this "little" or inner-child part was very damaged by my husband's mom's behaviors, and subsequently by her abandonment, and further still by the fact that the other parts of my husband refused to forgive her for her actions, whereas this "little" part very much wanted to forgive her. So this also interfered with our sexual intimacy to a degree - at one point, it seemed that this part actually thought I WAS his mother. :( We have since resolved that - and this little part has also "grown up" inside, too, it seems .. but it was a complication to be sure!

In fact, "sex" specifically - and intimacy more broadly - has become the one "language" in which my husband feels most himself, most "whole" - we think it's precisely BECAUSE all of his parts express themselves, often simultaneously. I can tell when he "switches" - who's "out" at the time, etc. And every part of him likes different things, so .. Suffice it to say, we have had a LOT to learn about each other, what we each like, what we want to try, etc. Thank God we've had YEARS with each other, and an unwavering commitment TO each other in all these things ...

OUR sexuality - wrapped up such as it is with each other - and as so much a "conversation" and expression OF our love FOR one another (unconditional, unashamed, free to be or not be to do or not do as best fits us BOTH) - has become an essential aspect to our HEALING, also ...

I apologize if this is oversimplified or too disjointed. But I feel the thread is definitely a worthwhile discussion!!

Thanks to all who are sharing, here!

 

[Random]

My own background with trauma/abuse is very murky, but enough to know it impacted my own libido. I don't have PTSD in any...

Great post! Very informative and eye-opening. I could never open up with anyone the way your husband has with you. There are disturbing parts of me that I won't even admit to myself. I think it's great that you and he have that type of relationship, but I'd never recover if I let anyone in on certain things. I would find no solace from doing that. It would probably push me off the deep end. I'm impressed that he can do that with you and impressed that you understand him and are there for him in such a way. That is very special.

And I can totally relate to what you said about the manly part of him. Very little of my sexual impetus is the classic alpha male type. Usually there are psychodramatic elements which can range from submissiveness to age-play types of dynamics to other types of strangeness, but seldom does being strong and manly work for me. But it's in me somewhere. I have it. It comes out every now and then when certain things line up in a certain way. I have no way to tap into it on purpose, but it's good to know that it's there - that it exists - that somewhere inside me is a caveman.

 

[Ajil]

("Epe" posting again, here)

My husband sounds VERY similar to you - if you hadn't confessed your age in an earlier post, I might suspect he was writing your posts. ;)

We got very honest with each other very early on cuz both of us were older, and my husband had been burned in many previous relationships - if not by the relationship itself, then by the fact he wasn't his "true" self with the girl and HE was always in conflict and then self-sabotaged. So HE knew, going in with me, that he had to be "all or nothing" .. in fact, he was convinced once I knew how he was "inside" (including the "darker" parts of himself), that I wouldn't want him anymore. And because I was basically a real-life-40-year-old-virgin, he was terrified he'd "warp" me.

Turns out I bend, but I don't break. ;) And if I'm "warped" it's only insofar as I'm better FIT to him than before. But better fit to MYSELF, too.

And again thank God (!) I knew enough to NOT say yes to marrying him until we were both sure that "all of him" internally wanted to get married. I didn't have to feel "loved" by every part, but every part needed to be "in agreement" or I knew HE'D never be at peace with us. So our "romance" didn't have any of the traditional frills or thrills of New Love. Ours was a romance of a LOT of intense, hard, psychological and spiritual labor, a lot of hashing out what's ok, what's not ok, what's "unconditional love" LOOK like for us, etc.

And we have incorporated plenty of "kinky" into our love life as a result, too. ;) We have a "rule" that anything is fair game as long as we're in agreement to try it, and this is subservient to our FIRST rule, which is "do no harm" - that "harm" might mean, all of him is in agreement except one part? Then we don't do it. Or all of him might want to try something, but I'm uneasy? Then we don't do it. At least until one or part of us is "at peace with" the trying. Our aim is to be, as Adam and Eve were in the Garden, "Naked and UNASHAMED." This also means FREE .. "no mistakes" inside our oneness....

My husband's internal, um, "caveman" as you put it ;) is very similar to what you've just said - certain things have to line up a certain way. But that's really true of ANY of his parts. Even his more "feminine" submissive side meets up with my own inner .. um .. caveman. In some ways - probably more because I'm very empathic - I have "parts" too .. just not as individuals inside. So I move more fluidly inside my "moods" or attractions/interests/imaginations .. That means when he "switches" .. I follow suit. (LOL) .. It ALSO means I need to learn to "draw out" certain aspects of my husband. He's very not traditional alpha male in most respects, either. And while he as a whole is highly sexual, he is more "submissive" and so not as apt to initiate. That presents a TRICK for THIS girl who spent more of her life on sexual "shut down"! So I'm really studying up on the art of seduction! (LOL) .. I ain't good at it .. My husband has been my ONLY "lover" .. but he can get turned on by my clumsy efforts, and I know he loves me no matter what (no mistakes!), so that boosts MY confidence, which he desperately needs me to have if I'm going to be the more initiating. I don't have the luxury of being the "traditional" girl, either ..

So the whole "girly" longing to be wooed first, or romanced and seduced? Meh. Overrated. ;) I love HIM (ALL of him!). I want HIM (ALL of him!). So the "how" is completely flexible and an area in which we BOTH can study and grow and study EACH OTHER and adapt, etc. Sex isn't the BASIS for our love, it's just perhaps the most intimate and comprehensive physical EXPRESSION of it. We don't BUILD on sex; sex is the "flower on the table" (NOT one of the "table legs" of the relationship - the LEGS are intimacy of the 1) Mind/Intellect, the 2) Heart/Emotion, the 3) Soul/Spirit, and 4) Strength/Physical attraction and "fitness" to one another)....In fact, the degree to which people try to make sex a "table leg" is, we are convinced, the main reason so very many relationships fail.

We are free to "fail" and get back up and try again. We WORK HARD at the things that matter, and we always strive to take good care of one another .. so sexuality - despite the fact we are the MOST unlikely pair in this area! - becomes something BEAUTIFUL and not a stumbling block between us .... And we pray a LOT. (LOL!)

 

[Geluzi]

There are disturbing parts of me that I won't even admit to myself. I think it's great that you and he have that type of relationship, but I'd never recover if I let anyone in on certain things. I would find no solace from doing that.

Are you able to tell a therapist about it, even? Have you tried?

By the way, I did cyber sex again last night, and I am having a wonderful day. I don't remember the last time I felt this peaceful -- my energy is flowing all through me, and I feel like I am finally going along with life rather than fighting with it. I can still feel this fear or trepidation in my body confronting the newly freed libidinal energy (sorry if this is getting woo woo). But the good energy is getting stronger, and I think if I keep up the fight, it might finally banish the fear, hopefully.

I am not bragging just for the heck of it -- I am trying to motivate you to give some things a shot.

I have read in places that orgasm is the best reset for the autonomic nervous system. You've probably learned by now that unfreezing the autonomic nervous system is basically what all of us with PTSD are trying to do. Here is an article about this: Orgasm: Master Reset. It has to be an orgasm with the emotional being involved, not just "getting off."

I'm sure you can find more about this online. It's really interesting.

 

[Dezu]

("Epe" posting again, here)

My husband sounds VERY similar to you - if you hadn't confessed your age in an earlier post,...

I think if I had the right partner I could be more open and explorative. With the right partner I could explore the kinky aspects that I find liberating and therapeutic without going too far. When my healthy kinky fantasies get no expression, they just get darker and darker. When I thought of some things your husband had done, I saw them as dark. That's not to judge him. It's just that when you mentioned him having explored scenarios that allowed him to relive trauma, or something to that effect, I saw in him part of myself that I don't like. I have plenty of strange fantasies that I relish, but as I never have any outlet to them beyond occasional masturbation, I eventually get negative and so do the fantasies. I get to the point where I want to act out in extreme ways. That's when I want to relive trauma and just get degraded. I never do, but I want to. I lose all perspective and everything is dark. That's the part of me that I never want anyone to know.

 

[Random]

Oops forgot to change my name. Dezu was me.

 

[Random]

Are you able to tell a therapist about it, even? Have you tried?

By the way, I did cyber sex again last night, and I...

If I told the therapist I would feel compromised, and it would feel like an extreme set back. Some things must never be said. If they are, then I will lose all perspective. Some things I have to fix on my own or just hide them.

Good job with the cyber! I'm glad you're moving in a good direction.

I'll look into the orgasm reset. I've done the opposite. I've gone over six months without an orgasm. It kind of gave me a chip on my shoulder (in a good way) for a while, but it didn't really help me in the long run.

 

[Geluzi]

If I told the therapist I would feel compromised, and it would feel like an extreme set back. Some things must never be said. If they are, then I will lose all perspective. Some things I have to fix on my own or just hide them.

Well, you said you've found this thread helpful, right? Aren't you finding the more you reveal on this thread, the better you start to feel? Why would it be different with a therapist?

 

[Random]

Well, you said you've found this thread helpful, right? Aren't you finding the more you reveal on this thread, the bett...

Reading about others' experiences is helpful, and getting some opinions is helpful too, but going into my twisted fantasies isn't, especially if I'd go into more detail. The therapist just needs to know about the original trauma. She doesn't need to know the bizarre scenarios I get in my head. Just telling her that I have "twisted fantasies" should suffice. I see no way that full disclosure would do anything more than make me hate myself more than I already do.

 

[Aken]

Not even PTSD can suppress my libido :D

 

[Mapomo]

Try this at your own will, but to address some of my libido and "rejection"/relationship triggers I started going to strip clubs with friends. I was honest with the girls and told them I just wanted to get comfortable in those areas and most were more than happy to help. I actually hang out with some now outside the club just like friends because they really appreciated my honesty and I appreciated their time. And they like money so beware (pro tip: you don't have to spend money to have fun in a strip club, treat them like people and they will treat you like one too).