Ptsd During Research Internship

[NewDayTomorrow]

OK for this post the details of my traumas do not matter. Suffice to say, I have a spinal issue, a migraine issue, a sexual abuse issue, and a false mental break which was really just a migraine med that made me nuts, so I have spent time in a psych ward but I have no official diagnosis other than migraine.

Now, I am on a research internship in systems medicine on a campus with a psych ward, hospitals, ambulances and medical helicopters constantly bringing in people in need of care. I half am afraid the vehicles are coming for me or will kill me in a crash, and half afraid for the sake of the patients that fill these hospitals. A fraction of the people arriving in those helicopters will develop PTSD and the rest are just in pain and scared to a normal level. I try to tell myself that these buildings and vehicles are helping people that are at least given a better chance here, than wherever they come from. And I can do research someday to treat them more successfully and prevent errors like the one that landed me in the psych ward.

Meanwhile, my migraines can cause weakness or paralysis on half my body and slur my speech and confuse my brain so it is hard to see and hear what is around me. I have a sense when these are coming and I always get home behind a locked door in time. I told my advisor about the migraines, and he gave me his cell phone number, in case I don’t make it home sometime. This is only bad maybe once every couple months. Most attacks are merely inconvenient, with minor vertigo and right side slightly uncoordinated.

I understand how to take precautions for my safety, and shield my intern friends and grad student mentors from my undiagnosed PTSD (I keep this off the books and pay for therapy out of pocket). I just want to make the best of the summer, stay on task, have fun with the interns, and not let the migraines be how my advisor remembers me. I am up and down, and satisfied with my experience on average.

What I need from any interested readers, is thoughts or feelings about this situation, especially suggestions to help me reframe my thinking and see this in as much of a positive light as possible. It is hard because I delayed graduation with a co-op, so I am the oldest intern, my college friends have moved on, and my best friend is very long distance, and my parents stay informed but all they do is worry, and they do not actually provide much support. I don’t blame them but this does tempt me to go to advisors and mentors from support where that is not an appropriate thing to do and you never know how sensitive people can be. I want to be professional with my advisor, and not cause people to worry. So, here’s to asking for support from strangers!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're doing yourself a huge disservice by seeking help for PTSD when you don't even know if you have PTSD. I question if you have PTSD as you mention nothing about PTSD symptoms nor any impaired functioning. Us giving you advice for a disorder you don't even know if you have would be irresponsible on our part because coping with PTSD does vary from that of other disorders (or even no disorder).

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

You misunderstand. I do know I have it, according to a therapist, but I asked not to be officially diagnosed. My therapist would diagnose me if I were opting to be covered for insurance, but due to my fears of employers using this against me, I pay out of pocket so there is no medical record of me having a mental illness. My parents refuse to believe that I have this problem so it is best to keep it undiagnosed. I do not need a diagnosis just for the purpose of proving my condition is valid. The peace of mind, of keeping this unofficial, outweighs the out of pocket cost of therapy. I paid $100 per week out of pocket for therapy that could be covered by insurance if I let a professional diagnose PTSD. I would not do that just for kicks. This forum has been immensely helpful over the last several months and I was just looking for help about thinking positive.

Now, I do have symptoms (dissociation, flashbacks, multiple nightmares literally every night, panic attacks, and the like) but I do not go into detail about them here because I do not like to talk about that. When half of my body is paralyzed, and I cannot talk clearly enough to call for help, and all I can do is lay there and try not to think about my sexual abuse, that takes a terrible toll on me. I am trying to think positive, so I only described the relevant problem at hand. Usually I scan around for people with similar needs, and read those discussions, and try to extract practical advice from them. I hate whining about myself. I have never publicly asked for help before, right out on this forum. But this is one of the most difficult situations I have ever been in. Just because I did not describe my symptoms, does not mean that I do not have them. Just because I refuse to document a mental illness, and choose to opt for private out-of-pocket trauma therapy, does not mean my symptoms are less of a problem for me. I really tried very hard not to whine about the same symptoms a lot of us have. I meant well, by avoiding that subject. I am sorry this touched a nerve with you. It was unintentional and I understand your symptoms may indeed be much more severe than mine.

And if anyone else took offense to this, I am sincerely sorry.

And now reading over my original post, I see that I have downplayed this so much, it sounds like nothing is even the matter. In reality I am going through the most difficult situation I have even been in, my parents are not helping, and I am just having a hard time. I am not very good at opening up. Maybe opening a public thread was not the right idea. I may need to try something different. It is hard to ask for help, when I can't even describe the problem true to the level of difficulty I am having.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

Im glad you are reaching out for support. Keep at it, and in time, I think you will get the swing of it.

People give honest feedback based on what info we have when we read the post. Take what fits you, consider the rest, and discard what doesn't fit. But I hope you don't stop reaching out for support.

I work with kids in the foster care system and I can understand seeing the system that is caring for someone being traumatic to survive. The good thing is that with the right supports, many don't develop PTSD. Some do. It is very hard to live with that reality. It's great you are in therapy working on your own healing process. Maybe you will be able to use what you have experienced as a tool to really help others someday.

I'm not sure what makes a diagnosis official or unofficial, but if your therapist says you have it, then I'm not sure how it is unofficial...? My diagnosis is official and I even have a PTSD service dog but no one can even ask what disability my dog accomodates. People know I have a service dog but they can't even ask legally what it is for (and I rarely ever say). The laws are much much more strict when it comes to mental health diagnosis - even stronger than HIPAA. I'm not sure how your employers could get ahold of your private counseling records or find out you have PTSD unless you tell them or they somehow were responsible for your therapy records and wrongly looked at them. And, if they did find out, they can't discriminate.

It's hard to face all the symptoms and hard to face the pain of having to hide it all. I'm glad you came out of hiding long enough to reach out here!

Edited: cross posted and took out a section that no longer applied. :)

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Oh hey thanks so much! Wow yes I guess what I mean by "unofficial" is there is no medical record. She said verbally, "If we were going to use your insurance I would enter a diagnosis of PTSD, but if you pay me cash, there is no official record or paper trail."

Thanks so now I feel like I count!

And you work in foster care? I was thinking, since my sexual abuse might prevent me from getting married, unless I can make some progress there, I might try to adopt or foster older kids, because I am better at helping other people than I am at helping myself. I was afraid, an official record of PTSD might disqualify me from doing that but I guess if you work with those kids and you have it, maybe I could help too. Thanks so much.

Of course, your feedback is only as good as my original description of the problem! My bad! I feel so much better and I will give this a little more thought, and try to post again with a more accurate title and body. I guess I had to kind of test the water first.