Not A Machine
New Here
Hi new friends! I guess I'm finally coming to terms with perhaps a lifetime of PTSD and that alone feels like a step in the right direction. I'm hoping to learn from you all and further my recovery by helping anyone I can with my story.
I survived childhood abuse, abandonment and narcissistic parents who were deeply involved in Werner Erhard's EST organization, aka "cult". I barely remember Est from when I was a kid. I remember going to weird "trainings" when I was 5 where we weren't allowed to go to the bathroom for four hours at a time while some guy on stage scared the hell out of us all. But the real trauma came from my parents who, unbeknownst to me, were passing down what they learned at Est's "attack therapy" sessions to their children.
I just accepted my mom's narcissistic rages and my dad abandoning us to live in poverty. I was always emotionally responsible for them, the fallout of their divorce and basically I became the parent in my house when I was six years old. Long story short, my mom got early onset Alzheimers disease and I supported her through my twenties until she died. My dad remained an emotionally detached introverted narcissist and I loved him without reciprocation until he died last year. It wasn't until I read his memoirs that I found out how deeply involved my parents were in Est (10 years!) and how my dad "modeled himself after Werner Erhard" (his words). Neither of them ever talked about Est in front of me my entire life. It was a real life "Kaiser Sose" moment (see The Usual Suspects) where suddenly everything made sense.
But now all the pain is catching up to me and I'm finding myself in a pit of depression, anxiety and nihilism. I've tried talking to my brother and step mom about it but neither is capable of hearing any perceived negativity toward Est or how I was treated growing up without blowing up at me or calling me crazy. Once again, I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings-- right when I feel like I'm connecting the dots and understanding what actually happened! A whole lifetime of justifying my parents childish and unstable behavior also explains how I stayed in a relationship with a woman who had borderline personality disorder (my amateur diagnosis) for four years... ugg. I accomplished so much in my life but I've always had an Achilles heel: I can't recognize narcissists and I always put up with emotional abuse.
In the past year I've read every book, video and article about and / or by Est & Erhard. I'm blown away by how much of my parents' behavior was shaped by this me-generation scam of a self-help group. I'm wondering if there are any other adult children of parents who went through the Est graduate program who are struggling as well? Is there a forum for cult recovery? I feel like I went through something so specific and weird and it's hard to find anyone to talk to about it. Any guidance is greatly appreciated.
Anyway... I look forward to rebuilding myself.
Thanks,
J
I survived childhood abuse, abandonment and narcissistic parents who were deeply involved in Werner Erhard's EST organization, aka "cult". I barely remember Est from when I was a kid. I remember going to weird "trainings" when I was 5 where we weren't allowed to go to the bathroom for four hours at a time while some guy on stage scared the hell out of us all. But the real trauma came from my parents who, unbeknownst to me, were passing down what they learned at Est's "attack therapy" sessions to their children.
I just accepted my mom's narcissistic rages and my dad abandoning us to live in poverty. I was always emotionally responsible for them, the fallout of their divorce and basically I became the parent in my house when I was six years old. Long story short, my mom got early onset Alzheimers disease and I supported her through my twenties until she died. My dad remained an emotionally detached introverted narcissist and I loved him without reciprocation until he died last year. It wasn't until I read his memoirs that I found out how deeply involved my parents were in Est (10 years!) and how my dad "modeled himself after Werner Erhard" (his words). Neither of them ever talked about Est in front of me my entire life. It was a real life "Kaiser Sose" moment (see The Usual Suspects) where suddenly everything made sense.
But now all the pain is catching up to me and I'm finding myself in a pit of depression, anxiety and nihilism. I've tried talking to my brother and step mom about it but neither is capable of hearing any perceived negativity toward Est or how I was treated growing up without blowing up at me or calling me crazy. Once again, I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings-- right when I feel like I'm connecting the dots and understanding what actually happened! A whole lifetime of justifying my parents childish and unstable behavior also explains how I stayed in a relationship with a woman who had borderline personality disorder (my amateur diagnosis) for four years... ugg. I accomplished so much in my life but I've always had an Achilles heel: I can't recognize narcissists and I always put up with emotional abuse.
In the past year I've read every book, video and article about and / or by Est & Erhard. I'm blown away by how much of my parents' behavior was shaped by this me-generation scam of a self-help group. I'm wondering if there are any other adult children of parents who went through the Est graduate program who are struggling as well? Is there a forum for cult recovery? I feel like I went through something so specific and weird and it's hard to find anyone to talk to about it. Any guidance is greatly appreciated.
Anyway... I look forward to rebuilding myself.
Thanks,
J
