Ptsd, I Found My Son Dead

[Omnia vincit amor]

Dear JD

I have found your thread only today.
I just want to assure you that I fully understand you and I feel with you in your pain.

On 25 June 2011 returning from shopping I found my 16 year old son shot in his room (it has been proven later that it was an accident).

Since then I am dead as well.

I wish you find some peace.

 

[JD99501]

The usual monthly torture for me became physical. I have never experienced this problem before. I finally realized I had an impacted bowl. This was a scary realization. 15lbs lighter and a nasty recovery so far. Pain in my stomach and inability to work past 4hrs. Liquids only. Etc. Funny thing was the impact caused an incredible array of problems. That I was not aware of.
I almost can't describe it.

 

[Richard Cashman]

I understand what you are going through. I also lost my son just over a year ago (He just turned 13). He had a history of seizures. My wife found him unconscious in the bathroom late at night. He appeared to have had a seizure and hit his head on the sink.

She came running to me and said "I think Kollin is dead". I ran to him. We called 911 and I tried to resuscitate him. It did not work. I will always feel that I am a failure. Of all the things I can do, I did not save my son.

My wife clutched his body crying until the paramedics took him away. His little sister took a lock of hair to remember him (She is just a year younger than him. They were VERY close).

There is not a day that goes by without thinking of our sweet boy. Just that day he was asking me how to deal with the bullies that were tormenting his little sister on the bus. He had been there to protect her. Now she is alone. This has been especially hard on her as well. He was so love d that the school dedicated their yearbook to him

We will never "Get over it". The best we can hope for is to get through it.

Though his path through life was short, I am so glad I got to walk it with him. My life is blessed to have had him the 13 years we did.

During his funeral, one of his teachers shared this with me. She asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up. She got the usual answers. "I want to be the President", "A lawyer", "A doctor", etc. When she got to Kollin, his answer stunned her. "I want to be a dad".

Well, that is what I am. And as a dad, I miss him every day.

His teacher gave me the last assignment he turned in (The day he died). The topic was "Who am I". Here is what he wrote:

I see beautiful cloud-to-ground lightning in a big field of short grass.

I want the world to stop fighting like in wars, etc and come up with something that will make everyone happy.

I am a curious guy who enjoys thunderstorms and tornadoes.

I pretend that I would change the world in a good way.

I feel like I am going to have an adventurous life some day.

I touch faraway lands that are on the opposite side of the world.

I worry about the animals that have been beaten, etc. and just want to help them get a new home.

I cry when there would be destruction because of either jealousy our revengeful feelings.

I am a curious guy who likes thunderstorms and tornadoes.

I understand that nobody is perfect and I accept that.

I say that we will find a way to pull through this tough time.

I dream that we are in a place where there is no slavery, no torture for people that shouldn't deserve it; everyone is equal, helping out the people who are starving and poor and just live happily like we should be.

I try to make a great change in the world.

I hope that what I dream about will come true.

I am a curious guy who likes thunderstorms and tornadoes.

Please know you are not alone.

 

[JD99501]

I am back on here because I can't sleep (again). So so terrible. I won't say how sorry I am as I know it has no value in comparison. I just wish I could be there. Give you an understanding ear. Just a moment to know your not alone. And cry my heart out with you.

 

[Estacia]

My Grandmother lost her little girl. She was only five. My Grandmother always told me it is a pain you never get over and wished me that when I have children, that I would never have to endure that pain.

Sixteen years ago when I was sixteen, I found my number 1 abuser dead on the bed. She was my mother. I never grieved her death. If anything, I feared that she never really died and was always going to hurt me. Forever. I do have flashbacks even to this day of me finding her. It just comes up. I can only imagine that when your flashes come back to you, you feel love and pain for him. I don't. I feel pain for myself and I grieve what I never had.

My heart goes out to you.

 

[JD99501]

Coming on my black ass days. My sons anniversary is coming up in November. I always seem to suffer a lot of intrusive memories, flash backs and blackouts all get worse starting in late Sept and don't let go of me till after the Dec. Holidays. But I don't think I will send my gf away this time. I don't think she wants to this time. She has some local family to lean on. I have tried to be careful not to overwelm her with my stuff.

 

[nimkekaa]

I understand the triggers of anniversaries all to well. I witnessed a murder and then was forced to help hide the body when I was 8 years old. It happened in the fall and I start having issues early fall and it doesn't ease up until the snow covers things up.

I had repressed things for a long time (which I know you didn't) so just knowing why I struggle at this time of the year is some relief for me.

I try and plan things that make me feel good at this time and also avoid major commitments. Otherwords I try and go heavy on the self care and light on the self judgement.

Is it possible to start some sort of a tradition around this time that you can look forward to. Maybe even something that was special to your son. Just a thought.

We had a house fire one New Years eve that really scared me and my family. We now have a special tradition every New Years eve that everyone looks forward to and it has helped change the feeling of that time for the family.

I also sympathize with your worry for your girlfriend. My hubby has been amazingly supportive but it has been very hard on him also. I use to run away when I was trying to save him some pain. Now I talk to him about what's going on and luckily I can usually tell him if I need time alone or if I need him to hold me. I also encourage hime to tell me when he's at his max and then I rely on other people at that time. Communication has been the key for our relationship and I'm happy to say that we have been married for 20 years.

Well I dont know if any of these things might work for you but I just wanted to put them out there in case there was anything that might help.

I have 4 children and can't imagine how it would feel to lose one of them. Take care of yourself

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi and my heart goes out to you. There is nothing like the grief of losing a child. So unexpected. I cannot imagine the pain you must be in.

I too lost a son to a motorcycle accident, He went into a coma and died 3 days later. I was with hime when he died. He died very peacefully. It was all surreal. It is so hard because when you are feeling the worse, the shock and everything else you have to take care of buisiness like what to do with the remains etc. I think that is cold and cruel.

I hate anniversary reactions. They are really hard to go through. You know it will be rough and you will feel lousy and not feel like doing anything. Trying to find someone who will listen with empathy is very hard. Most people are death phobic and it is not a pleasant experience to talk about it.

I hope you find some light hearted things to do when the anniversary reaction hits you full force. Try to take a time out from the world to grieve. Get comfort foods and some good books or some light hearted movies to watch. You will still feel lousy but you will also be taken care of yourself. You could invent a ritual to celebrate your sons life.

It is so hard. I feel you. I can relate and identify what you may be going through. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It is human to grieve. A part of you has been cut out of your life forever. I wish I had a magic wand and could pat you on the head and all of the anguish would just leave you instantly.

But there is hope. You will slowly beging to feel better. He will always be a part of you. Try to remember the good times and hang onto the good memeories. I wish you peac e of mind, body, spirit, and sould and being. Big hugs.